Not appreciating something until it’s gone can best be found
in the bathroom when the toilet paper has run out, and no one is home to help
you.
That being said, I was shopping for TP at a local Wally
World when I felt as though I had stepped into the Twilight Zone; Rod Serling
was expected to step out from between the paper towel section and the plastic
sandwich bags to greet me.
The array of paper products with which to wipe yourself into
a sanitary state was mind boggling, to be modest.
Price was a driving force to get my attention. The least expensive TP was clear upon close
examination. It seems the paper is
single-ply, so thin you can read a newspaper through it. ‘Single ply’ indicates how quickly your
fingers will pierce through the TP while actually using it to take care of
business. The lower number of plies, the
more quickly you will wind up with a second mess.
That rule of physics is hard and fast science, and can be
changed no more than gravity can be altered.
To counteract the flimsy, one-ply TP, you can simply use more sheets.
This is the time when I like to think of Sheryl Crow. In case you missed it, Ms. Crow, a prominent
environmentalist, set the limit for her 2007 “Stop Global Warming College
Tour,” use of TP to between one and three squares. Ms. Crow was under the impression that her
delicate bowel movements requiring the use of one toilet paper square was necessary
were mirrored in mine; she was wrong.
But, I digress.
In any case, rather than buying inexpensive TP simply to
experience the exercise of cleaning with fragile paper products, you can go to
a Wally World bathroom and use their paper goods. Saving trees can be better directed by
receiving less junk mail. By the way,
those mailers for carpet cleaning or rain gutters are about the right
thickness.
But, if you ever wondered when the name changes from “toilet
paper” to “facial tissue,” it is when the price increases by 50¢ per roll.
Eliminating the bargain brands, I quickly found the premium
ones that became amazingly baffling.
It seems as though you can buy “extra soft,” “extra strong,”
or “sensitive,” but not extra strong and soft TP that is sensitive. I needed to make a choice.
Believe it or not, you can even buy “chamomile” TP. I’m not sure if it is chamomile scented or
flavored but, I have other products to make tea and deodorize the bathroom.
Now comes the hard part.
Toilet paper is unlike anything else that is packaged. The premium brands are sold on packs of
twelve, eighteen, or twenty-four. The
dozen pack was clearly for the Sheryl Crow-types, who use very little. On the other hand, the 24 pack was for types
like me.
Let the ciphering begin!
Twelve rolls sold for $7.95. This
meant the price per roll was 66¢.
Eighteen rolls were $10.95, meaning the cost per roll was 60¢. At this point I simply gave up and assumed
the 18-pack was going to be the cheapest, and because the package stated I was
getting 500 extra sheets in this pack – it said so.
Just before my hair caught on fire, I thought about Ms. Crow
and realized she may not be as worried about the environment as she is about
spending time trying to buy toilet paper.
