Ask Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I have a problem and need your help. My old microwave oven died three weeks ago. The buttons on the time panel didn’t work anymore so I tossed it and bought a new one exactly like the old one.

It is a General Electric microwave, white, with a glass carousel. I bought the same model because it needs to fit in the same spot the old one was in.

Immediately out of the box I noticed there was no light inside this oven when you opened the door, or during cooking. That may not seem like much of a big deal, but to me it is.

When I cover the food with a paper towel, to prevent splatter, it sometimes falls of and needs to be replaced. When I melt butter, I need to see if is done so as not to scorch it. You see, there are real needs for a light inside a microwave oven.

I took it back to the appliance store and they refused to accept it as a return because it was used to cook food. Next, I called General Electric to complain; there, I got on a phone conveyor belt with no end.

I’m writing to you as you always seem to have not only answers, but good ones.

Please help. Thanks in advance.

George Clooney (no, not that one)

Clam, Virginia

Dear George:

You seem to have entered a viper’s den. I can see, from your desperation in your letter, that you both want and need a light for cooking on your microwave.

I, too, have what is probably an identical model from General Electric, also without an interior light – and in retrospect, it is very annoying.

After checking with my sainted wife, she claimed she could care less about anything except that it works.

I took this as a personal challenge to right wrongs done to you. I also called General Electric’s “contact line” and also got pushed into a perpetual “hold” cue. I then wrote a thoughtful email to General Electric who promptly ignored my correspondence.

Therefore, here’s the best solution I have for you anyone else who is dealing with multi-billion-dollar corporations that could not care less about service after the sale: stop patronizing them.

By the way, they didn't appear phased that they were summarily snubbing "George Cloney."  I thought I'd give name-dropping a try; as you can tell, it didn't work.

I truly feel bad we could not happily end this microwave tragedy, but there are other brands who will sell you a microwave that will fit and have an interior light. Sorry.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My husband, Mark, and I read your blogsite almost weekly. We enjoy the mix of insight and levity so much. I especially like when you write about your “sainted wife,” and was hoping you’d share just what attracted you to her; she seems like such a delight!

Thanks.

Mark and Cecily Williamson

DeKalb, Illinois

Dear Mark and Cecily:

How nice of you two to read and actually return weekly! I’m flattered, indeed.

The short version of why I was initially attracted to my sainted wife is pretty basic: her unnatural abilities to launder stubborn food stains out of my shirts.

You’re the best. Terrific question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Please help! I am a 30-year old straight woman who is desperately looking for some REAL insight, and since I read your blog every week, I thought I’d turn to you.

I’m in a relationship with a terrific 32-year old guy who is currently out of a job because of Bidenomics; I, however, am gainfully employed at a doctor’s office, and work there five-days a week.

Two-days ago I was driving to work when suddenly my SUV sputtered, then died. I’m not sure what is wrong, but I was definitely stranded.

It was frightening as it was still dark outside, but since I don’t have a cell phone – for economic reasons – my significant other has the cell phone, I was forced to walk home almost a mile.

When I got home, I found my fiancé in bed with our 20-something neighbor! I am wit’s end and don’t know what to do. I keep shaking and haven’t eaten for two-days, and feel like I’m losing my mind!

I guess I’m writing to you for some genuine guidance on what I can do. Once again, PLEASE HELP!

Your loyal follower,

Jennifer Binkowski

Smiths Station, Alabama

Dear Jennifer:

You came to the right place. Let me begin by saying I certainly feel your angst so let me start at the beginning.

The first thing I’d do is check the fuel filter, as it may be clogged by debris. While you’re at it, since they only cost a few dollars, you might want to simply swap it out.

Secondly, check your SUV’s computer; moisture can wreak havoc on electronics in vehicles.

If that doesn’t do the trick, consult your local dealership for any possible recalls on your specific model.

I hope this solves your problem. And thanks for being a loyal follower!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I visit your blogsite every week and realize you are likely my last hope. I am a 35-year old Type-A person who is also very persnickety.

As such, I like and need everything pristine. My socks are paired and neatly folded in my dedicated sock drawer, my toothbrush needs to face a certain direction in its holder, plus I wash my SUV weekly, all to keep my mental sense of order.

My wife, on the other hand, is a total slob. Her little deficiencies were tolerable when we were dating. Then, following our marriage, she let herself go, completely. She’s only 33-years old, but on weekends she doesn’t comb her hair, she’s unable to find the laundry basket for her dirty clothes, but the worst is her breakfast habit.

Every morning she has two slices of toast slathered with butter followed by homemade guacamole. I know that doesn’t sound mind-numbing, but she uses the same knife to cut and butter her toast. While doing so, she gets bread crumbs from the toast on the butter stick; that drives me NUTS!

I’ve spoken to her several times about this dirty habit, to no avail. She merely gives me “the look” and walks away while rolling her eyes.

Please help me get through this torturous ordeal. Thanks in advance.

Marty Willingham

Hartford, Connecticut

Dear Marty:

I can clearly see your plight what with soiled toast and all.

Inasmuch as I should remind you that we, as humans, all have deficiencies in our lives that can, and do, irritate others.

Even my sainted wife and I have words about issues that quickly went from inane to monumental in a few short minutes. But in the end we always make up.

However, in the grand scheme of things, I am having real difficulty imagining butter debris leading to a divorce or a shallow grave.

A deep breath and some pharmaceuticals may be your definitive answer to a longer marriage.

Lots of luck, and thanks for reading.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

 

Something about our new woke society has been plaguing me, and I need someone intelligent to reconcile this.  During the recent Supreme Court nominee hearings of Katanji Brown Jackson, Senator Marsha Blackburn asked Judge Jackson if she could “provide a definition of the word ‘woman.’” 

Judge Jackson said, “No.”

Sen. Blackburn persisted, but only received lame lip service from the judge.

My question is, since, as it turns out, soon-to-be Justice Jackson, according to former White House reporter Joseph Curl, actually knew the definition of a woman when she wrote an opinion that Roe is “the settled law of the Supreme Court concerning the right to terminate a woman’s pregnancy,” she clearly misled Sen. Blackburn.

I believe this lack of candor should disqualify Judge Jackson.

I’ll continue to forever be your student.  Thank you!

 

Christopher Salada

Del Rio, Texas

 

 

A:  Dear Christopher:

 

That’s simply brilliant!  I’m surprised I didn’t think of that.

 I am humbled and appreciate your stellar letter.  Thanks for following me!

 

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

 

Lately I’ve been hearing about “CRT,” and am unsure what it is.  I understand it has something to do with kids and schools, but since I don’t have any children, what I’ve heard has been on the news.

Being a middle-aged woman, I was curious about CRT and am hoping you can give me some insight. 

I’m your biggest fan!  Thanks in advance!

 

Carolyn Reese

Applegate, Alabama

 

 

A:  Dear Carolyn:

 

It’s interesting that you bring this hot topic up now.

CRT, otherwise known as Critical Race Theory, is a contrivance from the Marxist Left that are currently holding America’s children hostage in our schools.

Critical Race Theory is the latest effort by Communists to indoctrinate our kids through scholastic “learning.”  Blended into daily lessons of math, geography, English, and social studies, CRT is a truly insidious way to incorporate brainwashing into what should be trusted curricula.

The crux of CRT is the introduction of racial hatred and animosity into the minds and hearts of youngsters.  Rather than encouraging accord among the races, CRT does exactly the opposite.

It teaches white kids to hate white people for being white.  It also demeans white people for racial oppression of anyone not white, whether complicit or not.

Although this poisonous exercise is an excellent way to destroy all racial harmony gained through Dr. Martin Luther King’s notable era, CRT is being embraced primarily by Democrats and America-hating Leftists – with an ultimate goal of destroying our country from within.

Thanks for your intelligent question!

 

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

 

Recently, on a Friday night, I put on my red dress and noticed it felt snug.  A asked my husband if it made my butt look big; he immediately said, “No,” and left the room.

How can I tell of he was telling the truth?

 

Vexed,

Ophelia Broadstern

Chappaqua, N.Y.

 

 

A:  Dear Ophelia:

 

Thank you for posing a universal dilemma that has terrified men over the ages.  All I can say is sometimes you have to bend the truth to avoid physical injury.  In that vein, have you considered purchasing a larger dress?

 

Great question and good luck!

 

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m a 34-year old man who has a bunch of male buddies.  We snow ski together, fish together, play football together, and enjoy going to bars.

Most of us have been friends since college, but one of these guys feels he needs to correct everything I do and say.

I don’t want someone telling me their opinion on all my actions and deeds.

What can I do?

Thanks.

Brandon Reid

Skaneateles, NY

 

A:  Dear Brandon:

Tell the opinionated guy to take a long walk off a short pier.  Add that if you want his opinion, you’ll ask for it.

Otherwise, find a bunch of hot women with which to socialize.

Thanks for writing!

Uncle Paul 

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

 

I take the subway to work six-days a week, and it is crowded every day especially in the morning.  Although many passengers wear COVID masks, many don’t. 

It’s inevitable someone in the car I’m riding in coughs or sneezes; their wearing a mask is a roll of the dice.  Of course that means everyone of the riders is subject of contracting the COVID-19 flu.

 Both Governor Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio appear to be chasing their own tails by issuing and re-issuing orders daily to apparently confuse their citizens.

 What can I do to protect myself from getting COVID-19?  You’re the best.  Thanks!

Donna Renzatto

Queens, NY

 

 

A:  Dear Donna:

 

COVID-19 has taken over the world with infections and deaths thereby validating your concerns.

You are correct that Guvnor Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio seem more like weather vanes than elected officials, twisting whichever way the medical “experts” point toward.  They clearly are having trouble leading their constituents through this crisis into safety.

That being said, both of those dolts have been in a contest with one another to be the first to bankrupt NYC through arbitrary dictums closing select businesses.  Restaurants, gyms, small stores, delis, and other modest retail establishments, have been subject to the whim of political mayhem delivered randomly.

Your subway ride should not put you in any danger because fellow passengers are incapable or unwilling to follow the rules.  But you are because they don’t.

If I were king you would be able to personally mete out street justice on-the-spot to those non-conforming miscreants.

Alas, all I can legally suggest for you is a move to tax-friendly, warm, snow-free Florida.  Good luck.

 

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:



I’m a 23-year old African American woman professional, whose best friend is getting married.  She’s white, and we’ve been best friends since kindergarten.  We’ve shared sleepovers, Girl Scouts, softball games, and a trip to France when we were in high school.



She has asked me to be her maid-of-honor, and I was delighted to accept.



But she informed me her wedding was going to be held at a former plantation that is now a bed-and-breakfast inn.  This is very hurtful for me since it was once maintained by slaves.



Although I’d love to attend her wedding, I feel as though she is giving me a slap in the face by using this racist venue, and putting me on display.



Please help me with this anguishing problem.



Thank you.



Marashawn Upshur

Middleton, South Carolina





A:  Dear Marashawn:



You seem like a lovely woman who has thought this all out very well, and perhaps that is why you are anguishing over this.



Slaves were freed under the Emancipation Proclamation, in 1863.  You seem to have an ax to grind with your life-long friend.



This is her big day.  Let it be hers, alone.  Get over it and have fun, but keep your nose out of her affairs.  Amen.



Great letter.



Uncle Paul


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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:



My girlfriend and I just had a huge argument about something stupid.  We were having dinner at a friends’ house when she began berating me.  She made fun of the way I was eating, and then went into a dissertation about my sleeping habits, how I fold my clothes, and even take showers.



Granted, we were drinking wine and other adult beverages, but what she did was offensive.  She appeared to make me inferior to her and her pompous life.



She comes from money and wants for very little, as her parents buy her everything she wants.  Her college education was paid for, her Audi convertible was bought for her with cash, and she has her condo all to herself that Mommy and Daddy coughed up.



I, on the other hand, had to work for everything I ever had.  I have a good job in the aerospace industry and am trying to meet her needs and wants for a good future together.



Uncle Paul, I’m leery about going out with her again as I’m afraid she replicate this horror show.  What can I say in defense of myself?



William J. Smart, Jr.

Huntsville, Alabama



A:  Dear William:



It seems as though you have a hornet’s nest in your life.



Your fiancé appears to have a sense of privilege that has been fed by her over-doting parents.



Perhaps this public display is nothing, but maybe it’s the liquid courage – a la wine – that was doing all the talking.



In any case, she deserves a taste of her own medicine.



If she should pull this magic trick again, simply publicly add, “I’m a real gentleman, though.  My one asset is that I take the dishes out of the sink before I pee.”



That should get her the attention she wants and deserves.



Good question.



Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:



I enjoy reading your website each week.  Now I have a question that I hope you can help with.



My girlfriend’s birthday is always a disappointment for her.  It is right after Christmas and St. Valentine’s Day, and I’m usually fresh out of gift ideas for her.



She has plenty of clothes, jewelry, a car, a nice apartment, and she travels quite a bit.  She used to date lots of guys before she met me, and they were very generous with nice presents.



My question is what do you get for the girl who has everything?



Brian Holmes

Pima, Arizona



A:  Dear Brian:



Penicillin.



Thanks for writing.



Uncle Paul
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Dear Uncle Paul:

My cousin, Jennifer, and I were at Bonanza Steak House having dinner.  She’s a nurse and she asked me how my health has been.  I told her that except for my occasional racing heartbeat, I was fine.

Jenny’s been a nurse for 22-years and works in a nearby hospital.  She said I probably have angina.

I was initially surprised, and then I thought how stupid she was. 

That all happened during our last monthly dinner; I haven’t spoken to her since.

Uncle Paul, we grew up together, played together, rode bikes together, and went to school together for about 15-years.  We made a point of staying in touch, though.

I’m not girly-like and even had a steady lady friend for three-years.  I think this is insulting for her to accuse me of having “different parts” from other men.

Please give me some solid advice.  Thanks!

Anthony Wiley

Huntersville, Kentucky

Dear Anthony:

What you just sent me is akin to a Hallmark movie.  Two cousins who go throughout their early lives together, and still remaining friends even after your formative years is rare, indeed.

In fact, I’m jealous of the two of you, as my sister and I never even came near to being as sociable with one another.  Alas.

But Anthony, enough about me.

Your cousin Jennifer may have been correct about your angina.  Unfortunately, you clearly misunderstood her.  I’d suggest visiting a cardiologist for specialized medical help.

You should actually thank Jennifer because angina and vagina are two very different things.  Good luck.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I been reading your advice stuff for a couple of years.  I got this problem.  I been seeing d’Trailinton for two years.  We got two kids and he say we will marry someday.

Well 3 month ago when he proposed I got his name tattooed on my left boob right above my heart.

Last week I caught him trying to get some booty from my BFF.  They was kissing and stuff and when I ask him about it he say ain’t nothing about it.

Now I got two kids and d’Tailinton’s tattoo and no man. 

Uncle Paul what do I do?  Thanks.

Deneasha Phelps

Baltimore, MD

A:  Dear Deneasha:

What a touching story; it brought tears to my eyes.  Who would have seen this coming?

It seems to me there are two avenues to solving your recent problems.

Firstly, I would take your former fiancé to court.  There, you can sue him for child support and perhaps breach of contract.

Secondly, you should ardently look for another man named d”Trailinton, since tattoo removal is very painful.

Good luck!

Uncle Paul

××××××××××××

Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’ll bet you’re really a chick magnet.  I’m wondering about your best way to pick up women?  Any and all advice will be appreciated.  Thanks!

Dennis Pare

Machipongo, VA

A:  Dear Dennis:

Your kind words make me blush.

Over the years, I developed a number tried-and-true methods for picking up members of the opposite sex. 

Some work better than others but, the one I like best is the one which hooked me up with my sainted wife.

I simply douse a clean handkerchief with some chloroform.  Then I walk up behind my prey and ask, “Does this smell bad?”

Women are usually delighted to help and, after a good whiff, they pass out and are yours.

Great question!  Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m so angry I don’t know where to begin.  Ashley, my 9-year old daughter, came home from school last week and informed me that her principle was removing all evidence of Christmas from every classroom.

Evidently some parent complained, so the principal felt that one person’s will trumped everyone else’s.

I don’t know what to do, but know you may be able to pass along some advice.

Thanks, in advance, and Merry Christmas.

Jim Breuer

Miles Knock, North Dakota

A:  Dear Jim:

I’m so glad you wrote, as you came to the right place.  You are not seeing the forest for the trees.  You are now in the driver’s seat.

One person complained – for whatever reason – that Christmas should be deleted from their child’s overly sensitive psyche.

Now, you can complain that you would like Christmas introduced into little Ashley’s world as a lesson of history.

If the principle balks because you’re the only one carping, explain how Baby Jesus was eliminated because of one solitary vote.  Yours counts just as much.

Then, approach the local school board for a public lynching of the offending administrator.

Merry Christmas!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m a huge supporter of the Black Lives Matter movement.  Lately, I’ve been hearing that politicians and other important public figures believe white lives matter also.  They stole our slogan and I’m furious.

Do you believe that black lives matter?

D’Angeleon Marshawn Williams

St. Louis, MO

A:  Dear D’Angeleon:

Your e-mail is fascinating, indeed.  Before I retired, our office attended a mandatory ‘sensitivity training’ seminar.  There, it was painfully explained to us that we should be more caring and concerned about how we see and address others.

Women, we were told, could do everything a man could – except move full boxes of photocopy paper.  And Latinos were just as capable of composing memos – unless they needed to be written in English.  Finally, we were also beaten into submission to use the words “African-American” to describe people of the Negro race.

So, I’m not sure what that “black” thing you are talking about is.

If you’re trying to say “African-American Lives Matter,” you are partially correct.  Every life matters, douchebag.

Thanks for writing!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul

I was watching baseball with my boyfriend yesterday.  The guy with the cage on his face, the catcher, Bobby says, was always doing something curious.  Bobby said he was shooting signs to the pitcher but, it looked pretty suspicious to me.

Not knowing much about baseball, I decided to write to you for the truth.  What was he really doing?

Cindy Coniferra

Yonkers, NY

Dear Cindy:

You were right to question Bobby.  He was covering for the catcher.  The catcher was actually tending to his severe case of jock itch.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I was talking with my brother-in-law the other day and he upset me so, I don’t know who else to ask my question.

We were drinking beer and grilling some burgers while gabbing about old TV shows.  One of the shows I used to enjoy watching as a kid was Make Room for Daddy.

The star of the show was Danny Thomas, and my buddy upset me because he said Danny Thomas was a lesbian.  I spit out my beer and told him that was impossible as only women could be lesbians.

He insisted he was right and stormed off in a huff and hasn’t spoken to me since.

Would you please help me with this?  I really liked Mr. Thomas for his acting abilities and his selfless work for St. Jude Children’s Hospital.  Can it really be?

Jimmy Gower

Sparks Mesa, North Dakota

A:  Dear Jimmy:

I, too, enjoyed old shows like those Danny Thomas starred in.  Actually, I was secretly in love with Angela Cartwright who appeared as his daughter, and did not age well.  But, I digress.

Anyway, your buddy almost got it right.  Mr. Thomas was not a lesbian because, as you aptly pointed out, only women can assume that role.  Rather, he was Lebanese.  That’s a big difference.

Great letter!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

You’ve been remarkably quiet about today’s youth.  Kids are so much smarter than we were when we were young.  They have access to books, movies, television, the internet, and schools that are second to none.

I’m sure you share my feelings and would like you to expound on youth in America.

Thanks.

Jeffrey Abdill
Crabbes Knob, New Hampshire

A:  Dear Jeffrey:

You got part of that e-mail correct.  Kids do have access to books, movies, TV, and the internet.  And, the schools are pretty good.

But, America’s youth are stupider than ever.  Only 30% can find the United States on a map, 38% can name the Vice President, and 12% can name five of the nine Supreme Court justices.

Since you asked me, we have enough of the fountain of youth.  Let’s find the fountain of smart.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Yesterday my doctor told me that, after running a battery of tests, I was allergic to penicillin.  I was never allergic to anything before but, my younger sister is allergic to peanuts and peanut butter.

My mother had an allergy to shellfish, and my dad had leaf mold allergies so bad he was forced to quit deer hunting.

Being curious, do you have any allergies?

Marcella DeVito

Hancock, MD

A:  Dear Marcella:

Your thoughtful letter prompted me to reflect on my fortunate life and good health.  It seems as though my physiological well-being can largely be attributed to good genetics but, alas, I am allergic to camouflage of any type.

Glad you wrote.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My brother and I love to go swimming nearly every day during the summer.  I like to swim in the ocean, but he prefers our in-ground pool.  He says there are too many dangerous creatures in the ocean; I enjoy the waves.

What do you prefer?

Emily Litehouser

Quinby, VA

A:  Dear Emily:

Tell your brother that the ocean has lots of dangerous creatures, most of which are very tasty.  And, the waves are great for bobbing, surfing, and boogie boarding.

Of course, if you’d like a safer environment, your brother is correct.  He can swim with dead bugs and someone else’s pee in a pool.

Good question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m 6 years old and I asked my Daddy if Santa Claus gets gifts for everybody, who gets him gifts?

Daddy said to ask Uncle Paul.  Can you tell me?

Thank you.

Billy Hunter

Temperanceville, VA

A:  Dear Billy:

It’s Oprah.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

You truly amaze me with all your wonderful insight.  To what to you attribute your gift for answering questions and the fortitude to write a new story each week?

Keep up the good work!  You rock!

I am a loyal fan.

Lizzy Wimbrow

Pittsview, AL

A:  Dear Lizzy:

You rock, too!  My inspiration for my writings comes from a very special place I discovered years ago when I was a college student.  It’s called a bottle of Wild Turkey.

Thanks for the accolades!

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Back in the 1960’s, I remember my friends spending hours upon hours playing records backwards.  Once, they actually found that playing a Beatles song backward revealed a message that “the walrus was dead.”  Paul McCartney was supposedly “the walrus." 

What do you know about this?  Thanks!

James Speed

Charlotte, NC

A:  Dear James:

It seems as though you are referring to a cottage industry known as ‘backmasking.’  Backmasking is playing a record in reverse and occasionally discovering phonetic reversals.

Parts of what you describe are true and somewhat entertaining.

Many, many bands and artists including Styx, the Beatles, Roger Waters, and Ozzy Osborne, have all had backmasking results exposed.  Even “Weird Al” Yankovic had a message “Satan eats Cheez Whiz,” on his “Nature Trail to Hell” album.

But, James, here’s some interesting trivia for you.  If you play a country-western album backward, you get your dog back, wife back, truck back, and job back.  Pretty neat, eh?

Thanks for a great question!

Uncle Paul

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Dear Uncle Paul:

What a situation I have, and I really need help with it!  I’m 24-years old and am a transgender man.  I felt like I am a woman hopelessly trapped in a man’s body with no way out.

When I dressed like a woman, my demeanor was so much better so, last year, I had surgery to change me into a woman.  I even legally changed my name.

After a year of actually being a woman, I now realize that I was better off as a man.  I would like to change back to my original gender.

Can you give me any advice?  Thank you.

Victoria Heiselman

Pig’s Notch, GA

Dear Victoria:

Good Lord, where do you people come from?  And no, I cannot give you any advice. 

I appreciate your letter, though.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I got some legal problems on the horizon and was wondering if you could help me.

This year I bought a swimming pool for my kids and wife.  It be one of those ones you put on the ground and just fill up with water and jump in to cool off.

The weather been really hot here – in the 90’s – for more than two weeks.  Everybody been having lotsa fun in the pool and keeping cool in it.

Well one night I hear Patches barking his dumb head off.  Patches is my hunting hound who can find a rabbit a mile away.  He be so good he even found one in the rain about four years ago.  My wife made a stew with it and some carrots and taters.  I wish she woulda put some onions in it.

So Patches got me up and I seen two kids jumping out of the pool and run acrost the field behind my house.  The next day I put up some No Trespassing signs on some sticks to keep people away from the pool.

Two days later Patches was barking again at about 1:30 AM in the morning.  I ran out with a flashlight and Patches and me come acrost a girl laying on the ground holding her arm and crying.  She said she fell over the sign and broke her arm.

A week later I got a registered letter in the mail that said she was going to sue me for falling over my sign.

Can you give me any advice?  Thanks!

Brent John Hauser

New Church, VA
 

A:  Dear Brent John:

I think it’s really nice of you to accommodate your family with a cooling recreation device such as a swimming pool.  Summers in and around Virginia can get genuinely hot and humid and dictate a haven for those that need both exercise and convenience of respite.

Although I’m not a lawyer, I do have an opinion on this matter.  It seems to me that if the girl is capable of writing a letter to you, she would be capable of reading and understanding your sign.  Otherwise, have her sue the school district for not providing her with reading comprehension skills.  And, get about a dozen piranhas.

Great question, Brent John!

Uncle Paul

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Dear Uncle Paul:

Please help me out.  My husband needs a new suit to attend a wedding we’re going to.  I told him he needs to get a wool suit.  He said that he wanted a virgin wool suit.  I have no idea where you get virgin wool.  Can you give me some insight?

Thank you!  I look forward to your stories each week.

Paula Martin

Hellman, Arkansas

Dear Paula:

Your problem is miniscule in the grand scheme of things.

A nice linen suit would serve your husband well, but linen tends to wrinkle more easily than wool.  Lightweight wool is good choice and is usually known as lamb’s wool.  It is lighter and is generally used for the commercial manufacture of sweaters.  Virgin wool, on the other hand, comes from very ugly sheep.

Enjoy the wedding.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Since you know so much, I am hoping you will be able to assist me.  I am taking chemistry classes on-line and have reached a stumbling block.  My professor asked us to explain the thermodynamics of the electrolysis of water.

After serious research and laboratory experimentation, I arrived at the following equation of the process:

2 H₂O(l) → O₂(g) + 4 H⁺(aq) + 4e⁻    Eo ox = -1.23 V (Eo red = 1.23 )

Unfortunately, my professor said this is incomplete.  What am I missing?

Many thanks!

Simone Huxley

Auburn, Alabama

A:  Dear Simone:

It is really gratifying to see someone taking an interest in the hard sciences.  And, being a woman following such a career path demonstrates the ability and desire of women to break down those proverbial “glass ceilings.”

As for your question, you have part of your assignment complete but, only the anode portion which results in the oxidation process.  To complete this formula you should include the cathode portion (reduction process) which is:

2 H⁺(aq) + 2e⁻ → H₂(g)    Eo red = 0.00 V

I hope this helps!

Thanks for your insightful inquiry.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I speak nine different languages including Spanish, French, Russian, Italian, Mandarin Chinese, Swahili, Portuguese, and Farsi, besides English.  I was wondering how many languages you speak?

I love your advice and look forward to your next story.  Thanks!

Siro Mikoyusi

New York, NY

A:  Dear Siro:

Unfortunately, Siro, I have been a little short on time to learn other languages, although I do know a few words I picked up throughout life.  It’s truly amazing you don’t even write with an accent.

But, here’s some free advice about bragging over your linguistic skills: Don’t be le douchebag.  That’s French.

I appreciate your letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Please help me with some of your sage advice.  I am 63 years old and have been vacationing with my siblings since I was a child.  It's a wonderful tradition we'd like to continue as long as we are able.

Each year, we go someplace new but, we must all agree on the spot.  In the past, we have gone to beaches such as Cape Cod, the Outer Banks, Myrtle Beach, and Miami, and loved them all.

My two brothers enjoy fishing, while my two sisters and I love walking the beaches in search of sea shells.  We also take our spouses – although I never married – and they, too, have a good time.  We are all in our sixties and early seventies.

Last year, my sister, Melinda, suggested we vacation at a nudist beach colony this year.  I thought she was kidding but, she wasn’t.

I really don’t want to be naked in public so, I’d rather not go.

Uncle Paul, do you think I should just go and be quiet about it?

Thank you.

Maxine Bodewell

Harmony Hills, VT
 

A:  Dear Maxine:

No.  A naked person in their twilight years is illegal in 38 states.  If I were you, I’d fake my own death.

Thanks for the question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My wife of 12 years has been getting on my nerves for a few months now.  She complains that I need to mow the lawn or paint the garage or take out the trash.  Lately, whenever she says something I grumble back, “Do it yourself,” or, “Shut up, you old bat!”

The other day, she caught me making a snarky remark and questioned what I said.  I’m embarrassed and at wits end.  What can I do?

Roger Milquetoast

Painter, VA

A:  Dear Roger:

Short of divorcing the witch, you seem to have quite a dilemma on your hands - what with your spouse’s over-demanding honey-do list, and her acute sense of hearing.

Getting a cat seems to be in order.  With a cat in the house, you can say almost anything you want and explain it away by claiming you were talking to ‘the cat.’ 

When she says, “Take out the trash,” you can ignore her and tell her you thought she was talking to the cat.

It works in my household.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Last month I moved here to be closer to my sister and mother.  Now I hear the local politicians want to enact a mandatory gun ownership law.   Nelson, Georgia, is another place that expects me, as a new resident, to buy a gun for protection.

I feel this is anti-Constitutional in that the government is trying to make me purchase something that I don’t want.

Uncle Paul, what can I do?

Harlan Dreyfus

Nelson, GA

A:  Dear Harlan:

As a person who really believes in freedom and liberty for all, I feel your pain, almost.

You have rights as a citizen to not buy a gun in Nelson if you conscientiously object to guns.  That clause gets you out of the city’s plan to arm all citizens.

However, where were you – and others of your ilk – when the government decided for me, and everyone else, to mandate me buying health insurance?  Because you didn’t stand for my wishes, you can now take your medicine.

Bang, bang!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

You’re the wisest person I know.  I have an addiction so Sudoku.  I buy two newspapers every day just to get the puzzles and work on them all day long.  My parents gave me an electronic version of the game for Christmas and I actually did every single game in its memory!

I’m so addicted to Sudoku, my girlfriend even left me because she said I ignored her to play my game.

What can I do?

Thanks!

Tony Lefleur

New York, New York

A:  Dear Tony:

Sudoku is a game that incorporates a grid and numbers.  There are nine grids consisting of nine boxes, 9x9, in which you place numbers 1 through 9, being allowed to use a number only once.

It can be a trying brain-game that tests ones ability to deductively reason which number goes where.  “Free” numbers are given to begin the game; the more free numbers, the easier the game.

My advice to you is to take up knitting.  I could use a sweater.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I am a devout atheist who is offended by anything religious.  I hate Christmas, Easter, and just about anything else that isn’t secular.

My goal in life is to take the words “In God we trust,” off our currency.  After all, there is no God.

Will you help me with my cause?

Karen Tactoe

Los Angeles, CA

A:  Dear Karen:

No.  Unlike you, I believe in God and plan on meeting Him someday.  That being said, if you have a gripe with anything religious, why not begin with the city of your residence?  “Los Angeles,” is Spanish for “City of Angels.”  If I remember correctly, “angels” are religious.

Next, you could try to muster a following in St. Paul, Minnesota.  That religious name should nearly put you in a coma.

While you’re at it, take a poke at the government-employed Muslims who pray in public buildings, four times a day.  I’m sure they’d be delighted to entertain your overly-sensitive feelings.

Or maybe you could just get a life.

Thanks for the question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Since I was a little kid, my Dad raised birds.  He had a canary that sang.  Little did I know that only male canaries sang; female canaries don’t make any noise.

I was wondering if other species of animals are like canaries.  For instance, I know that male frogs croak.  Do female frogs croak?

Tom Dell

Port Richey, FL

A:  Dear Tom:

This is quite an insightful question.  Males of most species of animals are usually brightly colored in order to attract a female mate.  Others, though, use audible calls to do their attracting. 

You are correct that only male canaries sing to attract mates.  Male frogs croak all the time.  And, yes, female frogs croak when they are squished by vehicles.

Good question!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

 I’m a virgin and I’m getting married next weekend to the most wonderful man.  I don’t mind telling you I’m very frightened about climbing into bed with my new spouse.

 After waiting all these years I have no idea what to do in bed.  Do you have any suggestions for me?

 Thank you!

Jennifer Newman

Hope Springs, Arkansas

A:  Dear Jennifer:

It is refreshing that you “saved” yourself for marriage.  These days, too many folks treat this major step in life as a sprint rather than a marathon.  Marriage is a blessing that joins two people in a rite that is sacred and should lead to a life as one, forever.

That being said, what you do in bed is between you and your husband, alone.  There are two things, however, you should not do in bed – point and laugh.

Hope this helps.  Best wishes!

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Last year my husband and I went to a baseball game and sat behind third base to catch errant fly balls.  While enjoying a day in the warm sun watching America’s pastime, I was stabbed in the eye by a hot dog some other attendee was passing down the row of seats.

I was mortified!  I got ketchup on my cheek and my mascara was ruined.  The guy who poked me with the wiener apologized but he laughed about it.  I cried throughout the remainder of game and was ashamed to leave the stadium in my condition.

You seem to be the voice of reason.  What should I have done?

Lillie Lovejoy

Montreal, Canada

A:  Dear Lillie:

Crying is acceptable at a baseball game if your team is losing but, I would have told the recipient of the frank that no one eats a hot dog with ketchup.  Then, I would’ve gone back to enjoying the festivities, that is if you’re not a whiner.

Thank for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I have quite a situation here.  My husband, Tim, and I were on vacation in Florida.  We were fishing on a secluded beach one day when he saw a package floating in the water.  He waded into the Gulf of Mexico to retrieve it and, when he opened it we discovered it contained money and lots of it!

We took the package back to our cottage and counted the money; there were stacks of fifties and hundreds that came to $850,000!

Tim said we should keep it but, I feel guilty and insist we turn it in to the police.  We have been arguing about this since last week and feel this may break up our marriage.

What should we do?  We value your opinion.

Name withheld

 

A:  Dear Name:

That’s quite a dilemma you two have on your hands.  Because I do not condone illegal activity of any sort, I would suggest you contact the police to clear your conscience and avoid prison time.  The cash you discovered floating in the Gulf was likely money from drug transactions that occasionally fall from go-fast boats and drug-toting planes.

You and Tim should turn over every penny of the $400,000 you found.

Thanks for the letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

This weekend I was discussing Christianity with my Afro-centric class professor.  If Jesus was born in Bethlehem, which is on the cusp of Africa, and most of the inhabitants of that land were nomadic, it would just make sense that Jesus was African-American.

We discussed this for hours and feel that it is white society that has re-imaged Jesus as a Caucasian, stealing our heritage and rewriting history.

Do you think Jesus was African-American?

Djouni Maqtadi

Atlanta, GA

 A:  Dear Djouni:

It seems as though you and your professor would be correct but, according to my calculator, America wasn’t founded until 1493 years after Jesus’ birth.  Therefore, He could not be African-American, you dolt.

Thanks for the question.  And, stay in school.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Me and Jimmy were sitting in the back of his pickup truck near the lake the other night, drinking beer and looking up at the stars.  It was all romantic and stuff what with the moon full and frogs croaking.  We was counting stars when we both saw a UFO!

It had colored lights and flew really fast across the sky, then turned and went back.  Then a bright beam of light came from it and pointed right at the ground in front of us.  After a few seconds, it flew away and disappeared over the trees.

I said I was going to write to you about this because all our friends started laughing at us when we told them about seeing a UFO.

Do you believe in UFOs?  Me and Jimmy love you.  Thanks.

Jennifer Gooch

Phenix City, Alabama

A:  Dear Jennifer:

It’s good to see a couple of lovers are still engaging in what my generation referred to as going to the ‘submarine races.’

Getting back to business, esteemed scientists around the world claim that it would be naïve to believe Earthlings were the only beings in the universe.  The late Dr. Carl Sagen thought there were possibly countless other civilizations beyond our galaxy, The Milky Way.

Throughout the centuries, many sightings of UFOs have been reported, the U.S. Air Force had a program called Project Blue Book that cataloged sightings, and even several presidents have claimed to be witnesses to these mysterious airborne objects.

Unfortunately, Jennifer, this may simply be something less furtive.  I’ll wager it was the local sheriff’s helicopter looking for stoners.

Thank you for your letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul

What is it with all the vampire movies, TV shows, and books?

Thanks, in advance.

Geraldine Reese

Cape Cod, MA

A:  Dear Geraldine:

Firstly, let me remark on what a pretty name.  You don’t often hear women being named ‘”Geraldine” these days.  Now, you hear D’Anshawntayne or DeLaNashia, or Precis (whatever that is.)

But, getting back to vampires, Bram Stoker was the Irish author who, in 1897, penned the Gothic novel Dracula.  This story was written as a series of letters and told the tale of a fictitious Count Dracula who had some suspicious nocturnal habits.

There have been over 170 versions of this story memorialized on film, evidently indicating a sort of macabre interest in vampires.  And, yes, you have definitely seen an unnatural increase in vampires with all the television shows over the past few years.

Personally, I think they suck.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I slept in the garage last night because my wife and I had a big fight.  She got so mad at me when she said we were out of shampoo and I said it didn’t matter since we had bath soap and suggested she should use that, instead.

She began yelling that I was a Neanderthal – whatever that is – and she was sorry that she ever married me.  It was then that I stormed out and slept in my classic 1968 Mustang fastback.

What did I do wrong and how can I prove my point to my wife?

Thanks.

Jim Parks

San Angelo, TX

A:  Dear Jim:

After thoroughly reading your letter again and again, I came to two conclusions.  First, you should have bought a convertible Mustang rather than a fastback.  Second, your wife needs a new home, and quickly. 

Show her to the door and tell her Uncle Paul’s shampoo is Irish Spring – in bar form.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My next door neighbor is an absolute fanatic about his yard.  He mows his lawn every day, seals his paved driveway three times a year, and paints his stupid wooden benches in his yard every month!  Then he complains that my yard looks unkempt.

I don’t have time to mow my lawn every day.  In fact, I couldn’t afford the gas to do so.  What can I do to be neighborly?

I appreciate your solution.

Timothy Czeszynski

Buffalo, NY

A:  Dear Timothy:

Don’t complain about a thing your neighbor does.  Just be thankful you live next door to Ralph Wilson Stadium and can catch Buffalo Bills’ games within walking distance.

Consider it a blessing in disguise.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

While shopping at the grocery store today, I began to wonder what that thing that separates your goods from another customer’s stuff on the conveyor belt at the cash register is called.

I figure you would know since you know almost everything.  You da man!

Jason R. Holmes

Boston, MA

A:  Dear Jason:

You came to the right place since Uncle Paul actually tried to buy one as a gag gift for a close friend who was working as a supermarket cashier.

Up north, people call those gadgets “separator bars,” while down south, they are referred to as “spratchets.”  Anywhere west of the Mississippi, they are impossible to find because they don’t know what to call them in grocery store catalogs and don’t get sold there.

And, Jason, you’re right – I am da man.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My wife and I are going to be participating in a marathon race because we want to feel the pain and are hoping you can give us some training advice.

Mark Camp & Buffy Billingsneck

Philadelphia, PA

A:  Dear Mark & Buffy:

Marathon races consist of 26-miles of grueling exercise in the form of running.  It appears you have come to the right place as I personally have run in a marathon, too.  My personal best time was a blistering 11-days, 9 hours, 57 minutes.  Marathons are not as much fun as they sound.

My best suggestion to you both is to save your time and energy and try doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper.  If you want to feel the pain, take turns hitting each other on the hand with a hammer.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

What a gift you have for handling all these questions from your readers.  I so enjoy seeing what brilliant solution you’ll conjure up next.  I also anxiously await your next story each Monday.

My question for you is: Does your sainted wife have a name?

Thank you!

Willy Jenkins

Hobart Falls, Michigan

A:  Dear Willy:

I wish you could see me blushing over those accolades.  Thanks for reading each week and please continue to return for fresh stories and solid advice.

And, yes, my sainted wife has a name.  I appreciate your loyalty.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I have an innate fear of public speaking and don’t know what to do.  Being a college junior I am required to make speeches in some classes and just freeze solid when I get in front of the class.  Sometimes I even have trouble talking to new classmates.

What can I do to overcome this phobia and, do you have any fears?

Thanks!

Linda Thoms

Syracuse, NY

A:  Dear Linda:

Most people have fears of some sort or other and most can be easily overcome.  Jennifer Aniston is afraid of flying, Nicole Kidman is afraid of butterflies, Billy Bob Thornton has a fear of antique furniture, and singer/gangsta Sean “Diddy” Combs is frightened of clowns.

That being said, some fears are nearly impossible to get over without professional help.  I’m not going to use that tired example of imagining the audience naked so, here’s the lowdown on your public speaking woes.

Drop out of school and spend the tuition money on a good shrink.  You’ll make new friends and learn to speak to the public when you get your job at McDonald’s.  Be sure to have plenty of fries ready.

And, my personal biggest fear is being called late for dinner.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Dear Uncle Paul:

What kind of beer do you like?  Just curious.

Tommy Johannsen

Chicago, Il

A:  Dear Tommy:

It’s funny you should ask about my taste in beer.  Beer is one of those crazy things that saved civilization.  Areas of high population that settled many years ago often had poor waste disposal practices.  Because of this, folks who drank the water usually became very, very sick and died.  But, folks who imbibed in beer didn’t normally face such terminal fates because beer is boiled, thus killing the destructive and dangerous germs.

That being said, I really like cold beer.

Thanks for the question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I simply love milk.  You can buy milk that is low-fat, 2%, whole, or butter milk.  Where does it all come from?  I am going to our county fair and would like be aware of facts about livestock so that I don’t appear stupid.  Thanks.

Cissy McMahon

Port Arthur, TX

A:  Dear Cissy:

It seems as though you came to the right place for this type of in-depth investigative information.

Milk, as it comes out of the cow, is usually white and warm.  Low-fat milk comes from skinny cows, while whole comes from complete cows.  I won’t even embarrass you about where we get 2% milk from.

Buttermilk, on the other hand, is derived from cows that are extensively shaken.  Chocolate milk is the exception in that it only can be extracted from brown bovines.

There you have it.  I know this will dazzle everyone at your county fair.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I recently saw a movie called “Sicko.”  It is a brilliant Michael Moore film about the sad state of America’s health care system which points out the high cost of insurance, poor hospital conditions, and extolls the virtues of Cuba’s health care system.

Now that the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s health care bill constitutional, will you concede Michael Moore is right?

Janie Wilmont

Hatcher’s Claw, Michigan

A:  Dear Janie:

I am familiar with Michael Moore and his brand of anti-American propaganda.  That clown would like nothing more than to see America fail, and anyone who thinks his movies and thoughts are brilliant should be deported with him to his beloved Cuba.

As far as ObamaCare is concerned, if it doesn’t collapse the country’s health care system, it will bankrupt the economy with its $2,000,000,000,000 tab that continues to climb.

Keep supporting losers, Janie, and you’ll eventually wind up travelling to Cuba for your surgeries.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My girlfriend and I recently had dinner at a seafood restaurant while on vacation where I ordered the lobster platter.  When it arrived, the lobster had only one claw!  I immediately confronted the waitress about this situation.  She politely explained that sometimes the lobsters are in fights and that my crustacean was the “loser” of a fight, at which time it was torn off.

I ate this delicious treat anyway and am wondering what I could have done differently to get more satisfaction from both the meal and the restaurant.

I am a loyal reader.

Jeffrey T.

Asheville, NC

A:  Dear Jeffrey:

That was quite a sad story you told about receiving a lobster amputee for dinner.  I, too, enjoy seafood and particularly savor the meat from the lobster’s claw, dredged in melted butter.

Here’s a secret tip for a more substantial and satisfying dining experience.  In the future, when ordering the lobster, ask the waitress if the lobsters have ever been in a fight.  If she answers that they likely had, tell her to bring you the winner.  This way, you will be able to enjoy a lobster with three claws.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Every day I see another person wearing a stupid looking hat.  These people think they are stylish walking around with ball caps and fedoras and the like.

My question is why do they leave the house with this stuff on their heads?

Anonymous

A:  Dear Anonymous:

It’s clear from your thoughtful letter that you are ashamed of yourself as you are too embarrassed to give your own name.

Many people – including Uncle Paul – often don “stupid looking” hats in the name of shading their eyes and preventing skin cancer.  If you’ve ever seen someone with melanoma, you would wear a burkha to avoid it yourself.  Besides, who named you the fashion czar?

So, it boils down to style or longevity.  I’ll send a sympathy card to your next of kin, Anonymous.

Glad you wrote.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

You seem like a pretty open-minded guy with lots of good advice and I need your help.  I would like to start a spelling bee for gay and lesbian kids.  There are none anywhere and they could use the exposure to show the world that they know how to spell as well as straight kids.  Mike, my wife, thinks this is a good idea, too, but we don’t know where to begin.

Can you tell us what to do?

Thank you.

Anthony Brownbeck

Skaneateles, NY

A:  Dear Anthony:

You have given me some previously unknown news for which I am grateful.  In all my years I had no idea that gay and lesbian kids spelled words differently than straight kids.  If that is the case, I applaud your efforts.  On the other hand, if you merely want to have gay and lesbian kids simply spell any words in a bee, you and your wife are Neanderthals.  For years, I have heard, from the alternative life community, about how we straight people should be all-inclusive; we are.  But, it appears as though you now want to segregate yourselves because of your sexual proclivity.  That is counter-intuitive to your argument.

When you and Mike decide what you really want in life, write back, you nut job.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My husband and I visited The Eastern Shore recently and found it difficult to understand some of the locals when they spoke.  Many had an almost foreign accent, causing us to strain to get what they were talking about.  This arduous task is giving us pause to return to The Shore.

What’s up with these odd dialects?

Jennifer Tuttalone

Manhattan, NY

A:  Dear Jennifer:

Let me try to explain in terms you will be able to understand.

Peepa from Noo Yoik have der own kinda language, toooo.  Dis may be haad to beeleeve but, yous guys sound funny to peepa livin’ on Da Shore.

Don’t feel badly about not comin’ back ‘cause they won’t likely miss you, either.

Thanks for the question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My favorite uncle passed away a few years ago.  He was a bachelor and his estate was just settled.  I was surprised to learn he left me roughly $12,000,000 in his will.

With all this new-found cash, I was wondering if you could give me an idea as to what to do with this money.

Thank you!

Johnny D.

Hunter’s Hill, WV

A:  Dear Johnny:

Please accept my condolences on the passing of your uncle.  I can certainly understand why he was your favorite, what with the hefty inheritance.

If I were any good at making money – either through work or investing – I would not be entertaining questions such as yours.  Still, my suggestion is a two-part effort.  First, you need to make me your new best friend.  Second, we need to go to Las Vegas.

Call me.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I am writing on behalf of my 93-year old father.  He doesn’t have a computer and we have been arguing about something with which we would hope you can help.

Dad still drives his Corvette to breakfast at a local diner every day.  He also grocery shops twice a week and does all this by himself.  I’m a bit concerned that since Mom passed away five-years ago, he has thrown caution to the wind.  In the last two weeks, Dad has come home with a cracked front right fender and two speeding tickets, and I'm concerned.

Uncle Paul, should Dad continue to drive?  Thanks, in advance.

Jerome VanHooven

Melody Hills, FL

A:  Dear Jerome:

You’re a good son to write on your Dad’s behalf with such a dilemma.  This is problem I've seen personally and feel I can help you with solid advice.  Most children dread the day they need to speak to a parent about this issue so, here it is, cut and dried.

It sounds as though your Dad is merely driving the wrong car.  Something very similar happened a few years back when NASCAR’s Kyle Busch faced similar situations.  He, too, came home with some body damage and was fined for speeding but, after some heart-to-heart conversations with the officials, he changed his ways.

Try putting Dad in a SmartCar which has limited range and is not terrible fast.  Besides, I’m almost certain that he will learn to hate driving because of the SmartCar’s poor performance and give up driving altogether in short order.  Being totally embarrassed and frustrated, he will pester you for that daily trek to the diner and to Publix.

Thanks for the letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I reside on the Eastern Shore and would like to be able to control mosquitos but, I’d like to do so naturally.  How do I keep them off me without chemicals?

I’m a loyal reader and appreciate your advice.

Melanie Shaw

Machipongo, VA

A:  Dear Melanie:

Your situation is not unusual as you may think.  Many people are health conscious and would like to live without chemicals on and around them.  Mosquitos were problematic to the builders of the Panama Canal, and are still wreaking havoc in parts of Africa since the ban of DDT, the biggest enemy of those disease carrying insects.

Simply capture about 40 hungry frogs and place them about your body.  They eat copious amounts of mosquitos every day and will keep you skeeter-free and are all natural.  A word of caution, though.  Frogs sleep so, you’ll need to find roughly 27 – 32 bats to continue the job at night.  You’ll be the envy of all the healthy people in your neighborhood.

Your loyalty is certainly appreciated.  Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m 30-years old and in quite a predicament.  I am a college graduate and live with my sister and brother-in-law.  My work provides me with a pretty good income which makes me attractive to many women.  One of these women is my brother-in-law’s sister, who was adopted when she was a small child.  Her step-mother likes me, too.  I have been intimate with both ladies.  I find them both attractive and would like to have a continued relationship with both but, if either found out about the other, there would be serious trouble.

What can I do to make everyone happy?

Tony DelCarrico

Troy, NY

A:  Dear Tony:

 You make my hair hurt.  Quit your job, move into an apartment, and just pick one.

I appreciate your letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Each Monday I go to your website for new stories.  I also just discovered “Ask Uncle Paul,” which is chock full of great advice and free information.

I am interested in something new.  I heard about cock fighting and was wondering if you could provide some information about this sport?

Luis Rodriguez

Apple Junction, Alabama

A:  Dear Luis

I must tell you I am very pleased you turn to www.EasternShoreFishAndGame.com for your entertainment and information needs.

Anyone who knows Uncle Paul personally can tell you that I am a lover, not a fighter.  That being said, if I were you, I’d start in a Turkish Bath.

Muchos gracias for reading.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I have what some people refer to as a “gift.”  I can see souls who have passed on and can sometimes communicate with them.  This ability is a mix of disturbing for some and gratifying for others.  Still, I often question my own capacity with these “readings” as some are exactly right and some are not even close to being correct.

Because of these inconsistencies, I need to ask if I am really a medium?  Thank you.

Jill Nosher

Frog Spit, Georgia

A:  Dear Jill:

It does, indeed, sound as though you have a gift and I’m delighted you are trying to assist those who have lost loved ones.

Although not really familiar with the field of seeing-the-beyond, I’ll stick my neck out and guess that you are likely a large.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Each Monday I read your stories and get a huge laugh.  I’m a junior at Steinmetz High School in Tarragon, Louisiana. 

I noticed you have a cat named Smokey.  I also have a cat, but mine is named Homer.  Homer brings me regular “gifts” like mice, night crawlers, and birds.  People say that cats do that to show their appreciation to you.

Does Smokey bring you gifts?

Tiffany DeLasorte

Tarragon, LA

A:  Dear Tiffany:

I’m so glad to see that young’uns enjoy the stories at www.easternshorefishandgame.com.  I trust you are doing well in school and wish you the best in your studies at Steinmetz.

Yes, Smokey brings me “gifts,” too.  Usually he drags in Cuban cigars or some nice Porterhouse steaks but, just last week he brought home a bottle of splendid brandy for which I was grateful.  Cats always conjure up a surprise, don’t they? 

I’m glad you wrote and thanks for reading.  Give my best to Homer.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul

I’m writing to you because I have nowhere else to turn.  I’m an attractive 42-year old professional woman.  My days begin early and usually end late every day including most weekends.  I live alone in a beautiful two-bedroom condo overlooking Washington D.C. and am very financially stable.

My issue is that I find myself at home alone drinking Chardonnay wine – with no dates – and no real prospect of marriage.  What can I do?

Wilda Jean Johnson-Everette

Arlington, VA

A:  Dear Wilda:

Your issue is not really all that perplexing.  As you pointed out, you are not only attractive, you are also wealthy, and know how to spend your cash by living in Arlington, Virginia – not an inexpensive place to reside.

The first thing I would suggest for you is to try Pinot Grigio as Chardonnay really should be shared with company.  Then, I’d go out and get about eight cats, as a start.  They are good companions and can stay confined in your condo with you.  Don’t forget to pick up a litter box, too.

Thanks for the letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Last weekend my boyfriend and I went to a Mexican restaurant that had karaoke.  We’ve never done that before but once we joined in we enjoyed immensely and plan on going back every Saturday.

At exactly the same time, we both said, “I wonder if Uncle Paul does karaoke?”  Do you?  If so, what is your favorite song?

Ginny and Bobby

Homer Springs, Arkansas

A:  Dear Ginny and Bobby:

How delighted I am that you both thought of me while doing karaoke.  Indeed, I am what karaoke-ists call ‘sensei,’ or master, in Japanese.

While I love singing show tunes of any kind, Barry Manilow is my idol.  “Mandy” is one of those songs that simply get you in-the-mood, so to speak.

Keep it up and maybe someday we’ll do a duet.

Sensei Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I get the impression you are a NASCAR aficionado.  Don’t you realize they are not only wasting copious amounts of precious fuel, but also polluting the air for no apparent reason?  You should show some responsibility and stop promoting such a harmful sport.

June Wannamaker

Salt Lake City, UT

A:  Dear June:

Get a life.  Please.

Thanks for the question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My aging mother was told by her doctor that she needed to get more exercise.  She walks with a cane and even uses one of those walker things when she goes shopping.  What kind of exercise should she get involved with?

Thanks.

Eric DuMont

Lakeland, FL

A:  Dear Eric:

I feel your concern as my mother, too, was instructed by her doctor to get more exercise.  She tried jai alai for a while.  Unfortunately, the ball travels at about 188 MPH, thus giving her the ability to hurl it toward her opponent when she is losing.

Since then, this 82-year old woman has successfully taken up beach volleyball, mostly for her tan.

Thanks for the letter.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Last fall, a bunch of my buddies and I went to Europe.  We were in Austria, Switzerland, and Germany for a week, skiing.  While in Germany, we went to a bier haus and shortly afterward I got some lederhosen.  How do I care for lederhosen?

Thanks, in advance.

James Smartwinkle

A:  Dear James:

Lucky for you I, too, visited Germany with my trip occurring in the 1970’s.  Oddly enough, I got lederhosen on my trip, too.

Based on my experience, I suggest visiting a good urologist and using the salve prescribed.

Good Luck, James.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Gas is way too expensive here in Georgia.  I paid $4.86 for a gallon of regular this morning and put nearly sixty bucks worth in my truck.  What can I do?

Jimmy

Pig Knob, Georgia

A:  Dear Jimmy:

My sainted wife pays one dollar for a 16-ounce bottle of water.  Doing some quick ciphering, that’s $8 a gallon.  Now bear in mind that I also have faucets in the house that dispense water for next to nothing but, she insists that her water is “better.”

Still, gas is a lot less expensive than water.  Perhaps you could trade some tap water for gas and come out ahead by enough to buy a couple of Slim Jims.

Keep the faith, Jimmy.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My wife went out to buy some bread for sandwiches last week and hasn’t returned home.  I called the police and they said they would look for her but, they haven’t found her yet.

What do you suggest?

Alton Williams

Hickory, NC

A:  Dear Alton:

Personally, I’d go out and buy my own bread.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My wife and I are at wit’s end.  We bought our house as a foreclosure last year, and now think it is haunted.  We’re scared to death to live here.

I see shapes of people in the living room and my wife saw a figure of a woman in the basement where the laundry room is.  What can we do?

John and Delores

Pickle Gap, WV

A:  Dear John and Delores:

Personally, I’d teach the woman in the basement to use the washer and dryer, and how to sort the lights from the darks.  Perhaps any other spirits might be amenable to ironing or dusting.  Never squander free help.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m thinking about buying my son a car for graduation from college.  He’s very smart and environmentally conscious.  In fact, he will be graduating with a bachelor’s degree in Environmental Sciences, in May.

His mother and I helped begin the “green” movement in the 1980’s, and are very proud our boy is continuing in our footsteps.  Our common-sense pushes began the environmental awareness that continues today.  We would like to help him along by giving him some wheels.

Do you have any suggestions as to what kind of car he would like?

Jerry Hunter and Dr. Lynn Reynolds-Ritatrio

Miami, FL

A:  Dear Jerry Hunter and Dr. Lynn Reynolds-Ritatrio:

This one is very easy.  Since you and your son are dedicated to reducing air-borne pollutants and reducing America’s use of fossil fuels, I am going to make the following case.

Of course, you may think that something in the arena of electric cars would be good for all.  You all would be wrong.  Two-wheels are more eco-friendly than four. 

Electric cars get their recharges from burning coal which both Jerry Hunter and Dr. Lynn Reynolds-Ritatrio intelligently pointed out to the rest of us Neanderthals in the 1980’s.  Also noted is that you and your eco-friendly buddies made civilized society tear down our hydro-electric dams and plants because some shad was unable to swim over these water diverters.  So, unless you have a really good windmill in your yard, I’d go with something a bit more personally responsible and common sensical.

The first thing that comes to my mind is not a Chevy Volt or Nissan Leaf, but rather a Schwinn.  I had one as a kid and it served me just fine – even though I didn’t realize I was greener than your entire family.  You can even get a basket and headlight for it!

Spending a ton of dough on a car would be ridiculous because your progeny won’t likely find a job for a couple of years anyway. 

Thanks for the question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My husband and me live here in a house Tennessee and now we got new neighbors that moved here from Murfreesboro.  We was wondering what my husband and me should do to kinda welcome these folks to the area.

Thank you.

Kathy

Sevierville, Tennessee

A:  Dear Kathy:

Firstly, I’d like to say that you sound as though you didn’t spend a great deal of time in school.  You should have written, “My husband and I…” rather than “My husband and me…”  And, to my knowledge, there is no such word as “kinda.” 

Secondly, a nice homemade treat such as freshly-baked cookies, brownies, or a nice layer cake would most likely break the ice by giving you an opportunity to knock on their door with the goodies and an introduction.

Lastly, a true gesture of neighborliness would be that both you and your husband should stop throwing your empty beer cans over their fence.  I’m certain ya’ll will be fast friends.  Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

You sound so worldly and I love all the sage advice you give to everyone.  I read your column religiously each Monday and thought I’d write to you with a question.

How do I change a tire?

Thanks in advance,

Jodi

Del Rio, Texas

A:  Dear Jodi:

I’m glad you wrote and am pleased you are such a devoted fan.

Back in college, I took a mandatory course – given by a professor of Hungarian descent – who spoke little English so, bear with me.  This course in psychology gave me tons of guidance for my later years which I am glad to be able to pass on to you.

You, and no one else, can change a tire unless that tire is willing to change itself.  Although you have concerns, and trust me on this one, you are merely wasting your time.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

My wife is complaining about our kitchen stove.  She says it is old and outdated, and just because it is harvest gold, she thinks I should buy her a new one.  There is nothing wrong with the stove that a new coat of paint can handle.  I need that money to get a four-wheeler for deer hunting.

Mike

Seale, Alabama

A:  Dear Mike:

It sounds as though you have quite a dilemma on your hands.  If you keep the current kitchen range, you won’t get fed as your wife will likely divorce or kill you.  And, if you do get a new one, you won’t be able to get yourself a four-wheeler but, your wife will be happy.

Although harvest gold is rather lovely, it was last popular in 1973.  Unless you’re a good cook, I’d bite the bullet and buy a new range.  Otherwise, I’ll wager you’ll be shopping for a new residence, alone.

Here’s a thought:  buy your wife that stove but, take her deer hunting and let her see the need for that four-wheeler by letting her walk and drag the deer, a mile or two, home.  I dare say you’ll have your new toy in no time at all.

Good luck and shop for a white range that won’t look so dated 40-years from now.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

Some of the guys here at the Skunk Holler Bar & Grill are arguing about NASCAR, and knowing how you are such an authority on pretty near everything, I was hoping you could help.

Jimmy Bob figures that NASCAR races should be open to all cars, Ricky Joe thinks the Daytona 500 should be moved to Monday and made a national holiday, and I think women should be banned from the sport altogether.

What do you think?

Bobby Dale

Skunk Holler, TN

A:  Dear Bobby Dale:

There’s no reason to argue about anything NASCAR except for the restrictor plate rule that should be eliminated.  The point is to go as fast as you can.

Tell Jimmy Bob NASCAR allowed Toyota to join the weekly party because they are now made in America but, I say let them be embarrassed on the ovals if they wish.

Inform Ricky Joe that yes, the Daytona 500 should be a national holiday with free pizzas and cold beer delivered to your door.

And, women fall into that same category as Toyota.  Danica Patrick will be the third woman to try this race out but, she, being a neo-athlete with no NASCAR wins, needs to be taught that just because you can join the club doesn't mean you belong in the club.

Thanks for the letter and give my best to the guys.  I'll tell you what.

Uncle Paul

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Dear Uncle Paul:

I think www.easternshorefishandgame.com is pure genius!  Each week brings me new insight into so many different facets of life.  You seem to know so much so, here’s my question.

On “The Young and the Restless,” a soap opera I watch every day, Diane was killed in the park.  For months now, Victor and Nikki have been living their lives under the scrutiny of FBI Agent Ronan Malloy.  Victor spent weeks in jail for Diane’s murder in the park but, now he’s been released and Nikki has confessed to the crime.  Still, Ronan thinks someone else is the killer.  Who could it be?

Baffled

Nags Head, NC

Dear Baffled:

Although I certainly appreciate you turning to ESFG for most of your needs, soap operas are not my strong point.  Nonetheless, I’ll give it a stab.

It seems as though the wildlife camera in the park has caught someone else involved with Diane’s murder.  Victor confessed only to protect Nikki.  Ronan Malloy knows that it wasn’t either Victor or Nikki and simply wants the real killer.  Deacon Sharpe, the smarmy former bartender at Glow Worm, has inside knowledge of the killing and will likely rat out the real felon.

Myrna is really Patty who escaped from a mental institution.  As Genevieve’s housekeeper, she is able to keep an eye on her former husband, Jack, who is to marry Genevieve.  Patty/Myrna, is the likely culprit because of the pillows and the fact she is certifiably nuts.  My odds are on her.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Dear Uncle Paul:

I am an English professor at a local college on the Eastern Shore.  I read your stories every week and am astounded at the grammatical errors in each one.  You need to find yourself a real job other than writing.

Mortified

Crisfield, MD

Dear Mortified:

Your letter was both touching and frank.  I am delighted you visit our site each week and appreciate your criticism.  Actually, your boss called and offered me your job,

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Dear Uncle Paul:

My friends and I are here protesting at Occupy New Port Richey in Florida.  There’s a feeling of electricity among our camp and we decided to write you to ask for your support.  None of us have jobs and would like all the greedy business owners to give us what we deserve.  You seem to be among the 99-percenters and we want any advice you can give us.  Thanks!

Janice L.

Hudson, FL

Dear Janice:

You are correct – I am one of the 99-percenters as I had several jobs throughout my life.  Some were more lucrative than others but, I learned something from each job: respect the man that pays you.

I dare say the electricity you feel may be tasers the police are using on you and your grubby buddies.  Here’s that advice you asked for: Get a job and grow up.

Thanks for writing.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I visit your site to read new stories each Monday and love them.  You address all sorts of different subjects and seem to know quite a bit about everything.  I have to ask you if you know anything about electricity.

We have faucets to keep water from running out of the pipes in our sinks and bath tubs.  Why doesn’t electricity run out of the sockets onto the floor?

Camille

Phoenix, AZ

A:  Dear Camille:

I’m no expert on either water faucets or electricity but, I do have some inside knowledge about both.  It seems as though your question is very astute and you possess acute analytical abilities.

The reason electricity doesn’t fall out of the socket onto the floor is simply put, magic.  And, having that special inside edge, I cannot divulge why it acts the way it does otherwise breaking the “magician’s code.”  I hope you understand.  Thanks for your question.

Uncle Paul

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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:



Why don’t we hear any more stories about Smokey the Cat? Is he still alive?


Big Fan
Stockton

A:  Dear Big Fan:


Smokey the Cat is still alive and well. He has been very, very busy climbing the drapes, chewing electrical cords, and engaging in otherwise life-threatening behavior.  He'll appear in some upcoming stories...be patient.


Uncle Paul


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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

When you go fishing do you catch or buy your own bait? Thanks.

Jeremy
Beaver Dam


A:  Dear Jeremy:


I apprehend as much free bait as is humanly possible. Sure, I’m cheap, but there’s something rewarding about catching minnows in a minnow pot. Those throwing nets they sell take lots of practice and skill. But, when you have a few hours and minnow pot, you can catch plenty of those scrumptious bait fish to serve a whole day of angling. Simply separate the two halves of the trap, add some cheap hard dog food, re-connect the halves, and toss into the water. Ensure you have a strong line attached to the snap and a solid spot on dry land before the toss.


Uncle Paul
 
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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:


Keep the stories coming! They are very entertaining. Why don’t you write about fishing more?

Perplexed in Onley



A:  Dear Perplexed:

I don’t write about fishing more because I’m busy at Eastern Shore Fish and Game HQ typing stories for your enjoyment. Someday, when I learn to type faster, I’ll be out catching the bigguns.

Uncle Paul


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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I’d love to get out to The Shore to fish and boat more but, because of the high cost of gas I am unable to do so. Gas here is over $4 per gallon! At this rate, it is cheaper for me to sit home. What can I do to pass the time at home?

Angry in New Jersey

A:  Dear Angry:

The price of gas is expensive all over the country. This is part of that “hope and change” thing so many Americans voted for; we “hope” the price will go down but have to “change” our behaviors.

Why not simply enjoy and angling show on ESPN while dining on a fish sandwich? You can also spend more time becoming more familiar with the 2012 presidential candidates so that the same choice is not repeated.

In the mean time, you can always revisit www.easternshorefishandgame.com for more stories and sage advice.

Uncle Paul
 
 
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Q:  DEAR UNCLE PAUL:



YOUR STORIES ARE SO AMAZING! LOL!

THOUGHT I’D TXT U WHILE DRVNG TO WRK

DO U HAVE ANY JOB OPENINGS AT ESFG? I WOULD EVEN CONSIDER DOING A NON-PAID INTERNSHIP

LMK, DUDE

LUV U

MARISSA
MACHIPONGO



A:  Dear Marissa:

I love you, too.

Thanks for the kind comment about the stories. And, we’re all flattered you would like to work here at EasternShoreFishAndGame.com.

Let me tell you that I’m not sure where you are currently employed but, one does not use all caps while sending an e-mail message; that shows poor communication skills and indicated YELLING! Please be advised.

Secondly, I detest people who text while driving. It is unsafe and uncouth - pay attention to the road!

Lastly, if you’re fun at parties - and we have some pretty good Christmas parties at ESF&G - we’d be delighted to interview you. Please send a current photo of yourself. We’ll let you know what kind of adult beverage we’ll need for the party.


Uncle Paul
 
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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:

I couldn't help but notice you refer to your spouse as "my sainted wife."  Why do you do that?  That can't be her real name.  I'd like to know more about her.

Curious in Greenbackville

A:  Dear Curious:

Firstly, you are correct, that is not her given name.  I refer to her with those select words in lieu of 'your royal highness.'

Secondly, we've been - as the kids say - soulmates for what seems like an eternity.  A blessed eternity, though.

Lastly, she's a bouncer and part-time midget when she isn't pointing out my shortcomings.

Thanks for asking.

Uncle Paul


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Q:  Dear Uncle Paul:



It seems you do a lot of writing about fishing and your stupid cat. How come you never write about figure skating?


Really Angry




A:  Dear Really Angry:

There is a good reason I write about fishing. This website is called “EasternShoreFishAndGame.com” for a reason. That’s kind of where we got the “fish” part. These occurrences happen on the “Eastern Shore,” which should give you another tip.

If this were EasternShoreFigureSkating.com, you’d be in in the right place. By the way, Smokey the Cat dislikes you, too.

Uncle Paul

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Q: Dear Uncle Paul:

Is the story about the Florida monkey true. I find it hard to believe that a monkey cannot be found in Florida. And did the Florida Wildlife Commission really do all that stuff?


Amused In Hudson



A: Dear Amused:


Indeed, the FWC gave me grief for trying to help in this apparently dire situation that was covered by most media outlets - both in and outside of Florida. I got lip from everyone with whom I spoke on the phone and was embarrassed for them. It is clear that no public relations training is available to FWC personnel, and that’s too bad.


Uncle Paul

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Q: Uncle Paul:



I read all your stories every week and notice you now have a page called “Ask Uncle Paul.” The letters you put in there make you look like a first-class jerk. You seem to be arrogant and, you are not funny.

These people write in to get advice from you. Why don’t you treat them nice?

Indignant in Greenbackville



A: Dear Indignant:

Lighten up. This is not an effort to cure cancer. And, if you continue writing, I promise to put you back in the assisted living facility, Mom.

Uncle Paul (Your son)

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Q: Dear Uncle Paul


I’m 21-years old and have never been hunting in my life. I’ve been receiving catalogs in the mail loaded with hunting gear and want to learn to hunt. I live in Virginia and don’t know where to begin. Can you help? Thanks, in advance.

Wanna Be Hunter



A: Dear Wanna Be:



A first good step is to take a hunter safety course from the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries (VDGIF). They will teach you gun safety, hunting regulations, inform you of public hunting lands, and so forth. Also, continue visiting www.easternshorefishandgame.com

Next, you need to decide on what you would like to hunt. Virginia is chock-full of a variety of game - turkey, deer, waterfowl, varmint, and more.

However, the easiest game to hunt is squirrel. Squirrels are not the elusive creatures you may think they are. They come in a range of species to include red, grey, and fox. On the Eastern Shore, squirrels are in-season right now - until January 31st. Bag limit - the number allowed to be harvested per day - is six.

To hunt these less-than-wily creatures, you’ll need a .22 caliber rifle, handgun, or a shotgun. A .22 is used to acquire squirrels that will be used for food; shotguns usually will simply decimate those little rats with good public relations.

They can be stalked in wooded areas that are dotted with food sources such as oak trees, firs, pecans, walnuts, and berries. Look for them both in trees and on the ground. Their scurrying about the fallen, dry leaves will give them away every time.

Hunting squirrels does not require dressing in camouflage rather, one needs only a blaze orange vest, chapeau, or both. Be cautious, as deer season and turkey season overlap squirrel season. Know your target and be aware of your backstop! Sturdy boots are a must. Bring a plastic bag in which to carry your game home.

Where to hunt can be a problem, though. Farmers on the Eastern Shore like to gripe about the wildlife ruining their crops, but refuse to allow hunters on their property and don’t see the correlation. Maybe that’s why they are farmers and not rocket scientists. In any case, your own yard is likely to contain several squirrel families; mine does, to the tune of at least seven.

They are easy to clean and recipes abound for squirrel stew. You’ll need all six of your limit to make a good batch, though.

For more information about small game hunting in Virginia, click here: http://www.dgif.virginia.gov/

Thanks for reading.

Uncle Paul
 
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Q: Dear ESFish&Game.com:


Let me begin by thanking you guys for providing names and numbers of local merchants. The map links you add are very handy, too. I also enjoy reading those stories about Crusty and your sainted wife; they crack me up.

I’ve been subscribing to a variety of magazines and talking with other fishermen for years trying to figure out the nuances of both the Eastern Shore and saltwater fishing. Some sources suggest fishing with the incoming tide, others encourage early morning hours, and still others indicate that the weather is an important factor. For example, I’ve heard about falling barometric pressure and its effect on fish biting, which would mean that fishing may be better just before or after a rainstorm might produce more of a yield

So please help me. I’m particularly interested in stripers. In your wisdom, when is the best time to go fishing? I appreciate you guys providing such a great resource.

Anxious

A: Dear Anxious:

Thanks for the kind words about the website. We’re trying to serve all folks either living on, or visiting, Virginia’s Eastern Shore.

That’s a great question. Through years of experience and great success on the waters around the Eastern Shore, I find the best time to go fishing is when your wife thinks you are out fetching gas or supplies for yard work. It’s the oldest and best trick that I’ve discovered. Try it!

Uncle Paul


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Q: Dear Uncle Paul:

I’m thinking about buying a boat for flounder fishing on The Shore. I’ve seen guys in Carolina skiffs, V-bottoms, pontoons, in-boards, outboards, etc.

In your opinion, what is the best boat for my needs around Chincoteague? Thanks.

Curious in Chincoteague

A: Dear Curious:

My favorite boat for the waters of Chincoteague - or anywhere else, for that matter - is your friend’s boat. Boats are a lot of work and very expensive. Remember the maintenance, storage, insurance, taxes, and schlepping of the craft. Find a friend with a seaworthy vessel and offer bait, beverages, and gas money for a day of fishing.

That generally works and will supply years of happy fishing for you. For your friend, not so much. Trust me on this one.

Uncle Paul