Why? Part II

To augment a column of mine entitled “Why?” from several years ago, I am offering a few more to contemplate.  Here they are.

Why does a psychic ask your name?

Why do people aimlessly drive in the left, or passing, lane?

Why aren’t ‘universal remote controls’ universal?

Why does coffee cost $4 per cup?

Why are reality TV shows fake?

Why do birds poop on freshly washed cars?

Why does it rain on weekends?

Why do people think my job is to hold the door open for them?

Why does the government feel my money comes from a bottomless supply?

Why does the phone ring when you are the busiest or eating?

Why can’t people drive to work in the snow, but drive to a ski resort?

Why do merchants pester you with e-mails and phone calls, but ignore you when you enter their stores?

Why isn’t there a breath of wind available when you try to launch a kite?

Why are used cars now ‘previously owned?’

Why are there gale force winds when you are trying to sweep?

Why are people so pious in church but, try to run you down in the parking lot?

Why do folks want others to act nice toward one another yet, distrust them when they do?

Why does the law require vehicle occupants to wear seat belts, but allow motorcyclists to go without     helmets?

Why do people say “some food tastes better the next day,” and still they hate leftovers?

Why is everyone in the room silently mesmerized during TV commercials and find their voices when the show re-begins?

Why do people insist trains are the solution to future travel woes?

Why are certain ethnicities so sensitive to every word?

Why do people want to ban Christianity and all references to it but, think their kids should learn about Islam in public schools?

Why don’t all those opinionated, demanding protesters have jobs?

Why shouldn’t I be able to profile others – such as hoodie wearers?

Why do they make cars that can go 180MPH but, no roads on which to use them?

Why are wrist watches called time pieces?

Why not simply drink turpentine instead of tequila?

And, with that I will end the pontificating for this week.  Thanks for reading.

Mirror, Mirror

Because my work took me all across the country for years, I spent a lot of time in airports.  Since retirement, though, shopping now consumes a great deal of my time hunting for bargains both of food and outdoor equipment, and the occasional Holy Grail of stuff I didn’t know I couldn’t live without.  But, I recently found some spare time on my calloused hands and decided to venture off to the horse racing track.

You likely have seen those unsolicited e-mails that feature “Walmartians.”  They feature people bedecked with questionable haberdashery, frolicking about in Walmarts – hence, the name – possibly shopping for a mirror.  Those folks are merely a sample of the population that add entertainment to the shopping adventure, and where this story begins.

Times were when one travelled, one dressed in decent clothing.  Granted those times have changed because of the unhireable being hired by the Transportation Security Administration.  It seems as though people must now disrobe – or at least remove their shoes – to ensure a safe trip from one airport to another. Such inconveniences dictate travelers wear loafers, flip-flops, or some other sensible, easily removed shoe when having their footwear scanned for nuclear devices.  But, I digress.

Casual shoes dictate casual dress as one doesn’t usually wear a three-piece suit and sandals.  However, shopping is another story altogether.  People have always worn clothes unsuitable for a funeral when at the mall, or we used to call them – shoparamas – strip malls that were precursors to malls.  Once again, I digress.

I have actually seen people closely resembling photos of the e-mailed Walmartians not only while shopping but, also while awaiting flights at airports and at the horse track.  Granted, I’m not fresh off the pages of an Esquire magazine but, I try not to look as though I just finished collecting garbage or digging graves.

Prancing about in a long-sleeved flannel shirt on a 90 degree day, torn pantyhose that would indicate a struggle with a bobcat, and donning black calf-high socks with sandals are all mild examples of questionable choices for public purview.  However, wearing clothes that at least cover essential parts of the body are almost a must – at least for some.

People at the horse track were additionally challenged most likely because of the $2 draft beer special.  It’s too bad that only made some of them poorly dressed bettors that were obnoxious, too.

A few years back, I stumbled across a woman – a decidedly large woman – reaching across a refrigerated counter in a Walmart for a package of hot dogs.  She stood out because she was wearing a too-small shirt that rose as she leaned.  All would have been a fashion faux pas except that the raised shirt revealed a two-foot wide tattoo – otherwise known as a “tramp stamp” – that spelled “DELICIOUS,” in Old English font.  I was stunned and lost my vision for nearly a minute while I was in a state of shock.

‘People watching’ has become a favorite pastime for me as it is both fun and inexpensive at the same time.  And, frankly I don’t care if you personally engage in some of these dubious fashion shows.  Just remember that people are watching, and dressing like a second-hand store refugee doesn’t help your cause.

Old times, new times

Some years back, the young daughters of a family friend were visiting when they spied a box of donations for a local charity. In that box, and of great interest to these lasses, was an analog telephone.

For those readers with knowledge of an analog, or dial, telephone, you may skip to the next paragraph. For the rest, analog phones had a dial with ten-holes into which the user would insert a finger. The dial would be spun counter-clockwise and released, thereby allowing the dial to make the appropriate number of electronic clicks that would be repeated until your entire desired phone number was completed. Then, magic! Your chosen number was dialed and soon connected.

As the conversation turned to various services available, including the “party line,” their eyes glazed over and the banter changed direction. Again, for those without first-hand knowledge of a “party line,” they weren’t as much fun as the name would lead you to believe. But, I digress.

This exercise in explaining the mechanics of telephone company operations was arduous, at best. But, it drove home the point that not everyone was aware of antique communication devices.

I immediately recalled my days of programming Fortran language for computers. My efforts began – and ended – in 1968. I wasn’t very good at it and actually made the public and formal declaration that “no one would ever use a computer if this was the way they communicated.” Once again, I was correct.

To program Fortran, one would write code with commands that would be transferred to a punch card. That card was then inserted into a computer which inevitably concluded you made an error. The entire episode of programming can be likened to putting one’s hand into a running garbage disposal, then plunging the bloody stump into a bowl of salt.

But, eventually, computers and their operating software improved. Timex, the watch company, marketed a computer that was roughly the size of a sandwich. Its abilities were much that of a sandwich, too. Although inexpensive, they could play crude games and accept all sorts of peripherals such as expanded memory and a real keyboard. Yes, they were the big hit you’d expect.

Meanwhile, Apple introduced a computer, just as Coleco and Radio Shack did. Again, all were as robust as an abacus when it came to actually computing.

It took years and things changed with electronic components becoming smaller and processors faster. Soon, our home-programming fell by the wayside and commands to effect an action were replaced with icons.

This is true technological advancement with icons, apps, and voice-dialing capabilities now being used nearly universally.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to keep up with the daily trends and high-tech improvements, even for a guy who predicted the demise of computers in the ‘60’s.

How refreshing to know that I can let go of those old computers, phones, and ideas about future trends. All I ask is for some patience and pity as wonders exceed my abilities and expectations – via e-mail, not snail mail – of course.

Good vs. Bad

Because of my regularly scheduled visits to my doctor, I get regularly scheduled beratings from my doctor. And, each visit is unique as new data is released nearly daily in an effort to confuse as many people as possible.

Some years ago, when I was drinking plenty of coffee, a study concluded that coffee increased heart disease, cholesterol, and blood pressure. This scary news caused me to quit. A year later, a different study concluded coffee would prevent diabetes, liver cirrhosis, and kidney stones. This good news caused me to restart.

While pondering these conflicting studies, I stumbled upon another concerning wine. It seems as though drinking wine is good for you because it raises you HDL and lowers your LDL, your good and bad cholesterol levels, respectively. Unfortunately, wine can also cause breast cancer, raise your triglycerides, and cause weight gain. Yes, I began drinking wine on Monday and quit on Wednesday.

Then I heard about red meat. Keeping in mind that ‘vegetarian’ is an Iroquois Indian word that roughly translates into ‘poor hunter,’ vegetarians say meat causes cancer, heart problems, varicose veins, and obesity. A good vegetarian option is to eat beans. Somehow, bringing families together to grill garbanzos on an open flame doesn't offer the same appeal to me. On the other hand, red meat offers protein, essential acids, and vitamin B12; good news, indeed.

Enter the experts. In the 1980’s and 1990’s, renowned scientist and actress Meryl Streep and CBS’ 60-Minutes announced that the chemical Alar – used to treat apples – was very dangerous to humans. It seems as though lab rats were fed only 18 five-gallon buckets of Alar, per day, for weeks, and they developed tumors. Clearly, Alar was everything Dr. Streep and CBS claimed. If you are easily swayed, that is. But, I digress.

Chocolate? Good: Results in a lower body mass index.

Beer? Good: May lower heart problems by 30%.

Potato chips? Bad and good: Likely to cause weight increase, although increases arm strength by feeding oneself.

Green tea? Bad and good: Causes heart palpitations in large quantities, but is an antioxidant.

Life can be perplexing with all the information available to us at any given time. It is up to us to sort through it and select the best we can to make informed decisions.

For me it will be coffee, iced tea, red wine, meat, beer, and now chocolate. Sorry, Doc.

Eastern Shore Grand Prix

Although living on the Eastern Shore has its advantages, it also has some entertainment setbacks, too. Of course, one can fish, hunt, crab, swim, walk beaches, and engage in shell hunting. You could visit some of the sights that include lighthouses, freely wandering ponies, and vineyards. There are miles of bike trails and roads, bird watching sites, and shopping venues to enjoy. But, after years of engaging in these activities, boredom can easily set in.

So it was with interest that I watched a television commercial that offered Scooty-Scoot scooters for the handicapped. It seems as though the federal government would like everyone to be mobile and will subsidize the purchase of a Scooty-Scoot for practically anyone.

The price was never mentioned on this TV ad, so I can only imagine it is far more expensive than my riding mower, more traditionally known on The Shore as a ‘grass cutter.’ One of mine - I have two – has an automatic transmission, hydrostatic throttle control, a trailer hitch, headlights, digital display, adjustable seat, and a cup holder. But, I digress.

Those Scooty-Scoots are shown with a woman driving one in tight circles inside her kitchen, waving while wearing a parade-like smile and appearing to be under the influence of some sort of narcotic.

This inviting display of senior debauchery actually held some appeal for me even though I’m not handicapped or require assistance to be ambulatory. Bringing road racing on The Eastern Shore would erase all the ethical and principled feelings that would need to be discarded to actually acquire one – or two – of these Scooty-Scoots.

I commented on the charm of having one of these – if only to give Smokey the Cat a brief ride around our humble abode. My sainted wife, upon returning to Earth from her rant said, “Over my dead body!”

It took a few minutes for me to ponder her offer and all ramifications associated therewith when I countered with, “Why not?”

Her blood pressure came down low enough for us to cancel the 911 call when she pushed her eyeballs back into their respective sockets and said, “And what are you going to do with it?”

Anticipating such a mundane query, I told her I would use mine to race hers up and down the country roads of Accomack County.

“You want two?!?!?!?!” she retorted.

It’s tough to race with just one, was my explanation. And short of using charts and a PowerPoint presentation, I endured to get my well-balanced point across.

Alas, she did not buy my argument, rather acting like Donald Trump on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

Road course Grand Prix’s are common throughout the world but, I’m afraid one will not be coming to The Shore anytime soon. Just don’t blame me.