Resolution Time

While we once again reach another year, many of us turn to self-imposed restrictions called “resolutions.”

These well-meaning efforts can involve a wide array of ‘punishments’ we believe will improve our lives for many years to come.

Resolutions often take the forms of losing weight, quitting smoking, and exercising more.  My personal past year’s resolutions didn’t make it beyond January 3^rd which likely means my resolution should be to pay attention more.

Gyms will soon be filled with well-intentioned resolutioners who will ride the exercycle for about ten-minutes, and the streets will be crowded with short-term joggers for about a week.

Some will give up adult beverages for a couple of days until the next football game when the beer will flow freely, again.

It won’t be long before the resolutions fade from our memories and those high calorie meals return to the dinner tables.

Those treadmills will work as a clothes rack and it won’t be long before we hop back into our SUVs for that short trip to the grocery store or restaurant.

It won’t be a concerted thought that makes us realize those resolutions are not all their cracked up to be but, rather they will be brief times of weakness or moments of socialization that cause us to break our train of thought to being healthier.  You see, ‘healthy and happy’ don’t always belong in the same sentence.

Promising oneself that an extra day of golf is a good resolution doesn’t seem as punitive as cutting out a candy bar, any more than holding to that additional fishing excursion you promised yourself.

A genuine resolution should be for self-improvement.  Maybe those golf and fishing activities aren’t such a bad idea after all.

In any case, pick something to focus upon that will be a positive. 

I already forgot what my New Year resolution was.  Then again, there’s always next year.

Regardless, Happy New Year!

Wise and Unwise Why's

Here’s another list of “why’s” for everyone to ponder along with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why:

-          Is there no outrage about killing babies but, there people that can’t stand the killing of deer?

-          Do folks think that Social Security is a ‘gift’ from the government when we paid into that fund?

-          Are American gun owners profiled as dangerous while it is illegal to profile Middle-East terrorists?

-          Do we need an Easy Bake Oven for boys?  Won’t the girls’ version work for boys?

-          Is it said that “less is more?”  It’s not.  Just ask poor people.

-          Can parrots talk and chickens can’t?

-          Is unpasteurized milk illegal?

-          Are there so many documentary films against ruining the environment that are made with the benefit of electricity and vinyl tapes?

-          Aren’t people protesting the outrageous baggage fees that airlines charge?

-          Can’t the U.S. Postal Service make a profit?  They are a monopoly, after all.

-          Are so many people unaware that 100 watt light bulbs will very soon be illegal to buy?

-          Are we unable to lick our elbows?

-          All the vampire movies and television shows?

-          Can’t we invent a word that rhymes with ‘silver?’

-          Does nearly everyone in America have a TV show?

-          Is there a shortage of singers?  It seems as though there are too many entertainment shows searching for the next painful screamer to bless the radio airwaves.

-          Don’t many people know what the “fiscal cliff” is?

-          Can’t we punish Lindsey Lohan for thumbing her nose at the law?

-          Aren’t the homeless cleaning and tidying-up their shelters?

-          Are some scientists unaware the Sun, with its solar flares and spots, has an effect on our climate?

-          Aren’t there any people afraid of snakes until you have one in your garage that needs re-homing?

-          Do jerks send viruses to the computers of others?

-          Is smoking cigarettes illegal but, smoking marijuana is legal?

-          Does nearly everyone know how to run my life without knowing me?

-          Aren’t “universal” remote controls “universal?”

-          Can’t people accept gay marriage?  I say, “Let them be as miserable as us heterosexuals!”

-          Do we ‘rotate’ the tires on our vehicles?  Don’t they do that themselves when you drive?

-          Are there no real reality shows?

-          Can’t people find jobs if the economy is so good?

-          Do so many buffet breakfast patrons feel the need to take 57 bacons strips per trip?

-          Is the railroad system always broke?

-          Are the ‘good’ fireworks illegal?

-          Do dog owners think I enjoy picking up after their dogs?  For the record, I don’t.

-          Don’t people know what a trash can is for?  How about a class in garbage receptacles in school?

-          Doesn’t insurance ever cover the cost of damage to anything you have insured?

-          Was the fishing always “great yesterday?”

-          Do weight-loss pills always add the caveat that you can lose weight “with diet and exercise?”  If I dieted and exercised I wouldn’t need the pills!

 

These deliberative thoughts should keep us all busy until next time.  Thanks for reading!

What A Plan!

Not Crusty's Craft

For those readers who are new to this site, there is a real character to which we refer as Crusty who resides here on The Shore.  Crusty is quite unique in that most of his antics wind up causing serious woes for himself and others, mostly because his ideas are half-baked and usually resemble projects emanating from Rube Goldberg.  Yes, this is the same guy who sold his truck for gas money.

While attending a storage company auction, Crusty felt compelled to bid on nine ceiling fans.  Much to everyone’s chagrin, he was successful.  This is where the story begins.

Not really adept at anything except conning people into believing he has real skills, he apparently gave birth to an idea to make lemonade out of those proverbial lemon fans.  This stellar plan was to create a personal helicopter.  What could possibly go wrong?

This particular hare-brained idea was to simply use a few 2X4’s, an old bicycle frame, some other rusty parts, and luck to contrive this contraption into something that would make Igor Sikorsky jealous.

To begin, these are the same ceiling fans that one would find attached to the ceiling of the average kitchen, den, or bedroom.  They are used to keep rooms cool in summer and warm in winter. They are not for lifting people and/or cargo but, since there was no warning printed on the boxes, this plan was fair game.

A few folks in our sleepy little town use mopeds and golf carts and bikes to meander about the area.  It seems as though air travel would make any trip more expeditious by not having to slow for the errant loose dog or feral cat.

Mounting each of eight fans to the lumber – upside down, of course – would provide the lift, in theory.  A couple of corroded nails along with some baling wire would do the trick.  The bicycle would provide a seat and steering capabilities for this Federal Aviation Administration non-approved device.  Steering was pretty artless with the benefit of two ropes attached to the ninth fan secured to the stern of this vessel, much like a propeller on a boat.  Keep in mind that most of Crusty’s boats have similar configurations which are just as amusing.

Now, is where you should be thinking about how he plans to power this contraption that he expects will be the envy of all the towns-people.

Since he clearly thought this all out pretty thoroughly, the obvious answer was to use a gas generator in lieu of a coal-fired furnace to make steam.  Heck, with each fan weighing about 25 pounds, the lumber at a few pounds each, the bike at 15 pounds, Crusty himself weighing in at 230, and a 60 pound generator, those eight lifting fans should have no problem whatsoever allowing this contrivance to soar.

Many, many man-hours of labor and thinking went into this garage project that closely resembled the atomic bomb’s Manhattan Project in secrecy.  Crusty thinks a secret is something you tell one person at a time.  So, news traveled fast.

It wasn’t long before the paint and other finishing touches were applied and those fans, new ropes, and divine guidance could finally be tested.

What seemed as if a true miracle was occurring, after starting the generator, then pulling the chain on each fan, Crusty hobbled onto the bicycle seat wearing a wide grin.  It took just enough time for Crusty to get comfortable before the whirling blades kicked up rushes of wind and sand and leaves and mosquitos, akin to a tornado.

All eyes were glued on Crusty for sign of trepidation; there was none.

After roughly two-minutes, the crowd of three on-lookers dissipated in not unexpected disappointment.

A few days later, remnants of this spectacular storage locker auction coup could be found strewn about Crusty’s backyard.

And, all awaited his next big idea.

 

 

Random Christmas Thoughts

After a recent arduous political season that resulted in another close decision for president, we heard countless wanna-be pundits calling for the elimination of the Electoral College, in favor of a straight majority-rule vote.  In other words, the person with the most votes gets the prize. 

But, in this yule season, we can have one atheist whine about their eyes falling out of their sockets if they see a crèche on public property and everyone caves.  Didn’t folks just demand the majority…

A California apartment building that houses the aged nixed the idea of a Christmas tree in the lobby.  It wasn’t because of a complaint, rather it was because the management didn’t want controversy and hoped to avoid any conflict and protests from people who are anti-fir.

The Charlie Brown Christmas cartoon that began running on TV in 1965, and was seen by 50% of Americans at that time, has now become a threat to the Arkansas Society of Freethinkers.  No, this is not a joke – they apparently have free thinkers in Arkansas.  This group heard about a school’s field trip to view this American staple at a local church and expressed concern in the form of a threatened lawsuit for violation of church/state separation.  Way to go!

Then there are those easily-offended who seem to forget this season is based on the birth of Jesus Christ.  It was turned into holiday that honored this miraculous birth termed “Christmas.”  Although the Jewish faith does not believe Jesus was the Son of God, they too have a religious festival at this same time they term Hanukah.  Although there are variations on the spelling, the gist is this holy time celebrates the Festival of Lights for the unexpectedly blessed amount of time their religious oil lamp burned in the temple.

As a way to better serve America’s religious communities, those civil do-gooders feel there should be no Christmas or Hanukah.  They instead use the secularist phrase “Happy Holidays.”  This seems generic enough to not offend too many with sensitive ears and eyes.  Still, those pesky trees that have symbolized eternal life for the ancient Chinese, Egyptians, and Hebrews can’t carry the name “Christmas Tree.”  “Holiday Tree” is so much more homogenized.  Just what “holiday” those trees represent is a mystery, though.

School children, factory workers, business people, cops, the military and countless other everyday folk, celebrate this magical and holy time of the year.  Sales abound, ads bleed through the media, lights adorn homes, and evergreens cut in August, are found everywhere.

Yet, we allow these few crybabies to dictate what we can say in the form of greetings, and what our kids can watch.  It’s about time we stood up to those ‘free thinkers’ and tell them to mind their own business.

The majority rules.  Merry Christmas!

Poor Choices

It is said that a Twinkie can last forty-years without going bad.  Keep in mind that gasoline has a shelf-life of thirty-days.  But, this is not the crux of this story.

A quick peek on e-Bay and craigslist will find countless Hostess items for sale – and at a serious premium. 

Hostess is the bankrupt company that made overly sweet sugary snacks such as Twinkies, Ho Ho’s, plus Wonder Bread.

Today, a box of Ho Ho’s are selling for $250, as are Twinkies.  These figures represent a mark-up of over ten times the original price.

Although this may seem to be entrepreneurial, it is what some people call ‘price gouging.’

Price gouging are two words often heard during times of disasters such as earthquakes and hurricanes when plywood and other building materials are the topic of scarcity.  Gasoline, batteries, and bottled water are also subject to scrutiny when the law of ‘supply and demand’ is invoked.

During the Hurricane Sandy debacle a few weeks ago, out-of-staters schlepping generators and other much-needed supplies to the New York and New Jersey areas were summarily arrested for price gouging by charging a ‘fair-market’ price for these desired products.

Upon examination, people who bought houses at bargain prices and later sold them for killer profits were not penalized with incarceration for making “obscene profits,” a term usually associated with oil companies.

Speculative drilling is very expensive and sometimes reaps very little in the way of returns on investments leaving profit margins thin.

The same thing occurs when much-desired concerts roll into town or those sports playoff tickets – including the Super bowl – are in short supply and desired.  Exorbitant ticket prices, often in the thousands of dollars, are paid because that is what we want and the price is still affordable.

Let’s examine the fact that we pay more for drinking water than we do for gasoline.  Talk about crime.  But, taken one step further, we pay big bucks for ice – a concoction made by freezing water that comes from the average kitchen faucet – and can’t find indignation.

Perhaps that is why there is no outrage at the Twinkie gougers.

It seems the free market drives prices based on supply and demand ideas, and that is a good thing.

News feeds of victims carping about the high price of you-fill-in-the-blank dot television broadcasts of disasters, even though those folks had the opportunity to stock up in advance.  Rather, they bought $4 cups of coffee and $35 bottles of wine in lieu of some D-batteries and a case of bottled water.

Maybe the next time we face serious woes of apocalyptic proportions, we’ll be better prepared by not buying stupid stuff like overpriced Twinkies and Ho Ho’s, and purchase sensible things to keep us safe and secure.  Just don’t whine about your choice.

Time's Up?

Mayan Calendar

This is as splendid a time as any to bring you the good news.  Forget about paying your mortgage, keeping up with your credit card bills.  You can kiss that car payment goodbye and toss that Christmas shopping out the window.

Each year I buy a calendar, date book, and an almanac.  This year is going to be different, though.  You see, there will be no civilization to track after December 21, 2012.  This is not something I contrived but, it is the definitive answer to the question of why the Mayan calendar ends on that date.

Numerologists read that date as 12/21/12, or 122112 with the slashes removed.  This is pretty significant stuff, I guess, but I’m not a numerologist. 

It seems as though archeologists have been panning through Mayan civilization artifacts for decades.  They found that the Mayans were an advanced civilization that lived in South America and created calendars over the centuries.  These are not the pin-up calendars with bikini-clad women or super exotic sports cars; rather, they were based upon planet sightings and alignments and literally carved in stone.

Esteemed scientists plotted these calendars for years – much like a high school teacher checking a sophomore’s homework – and realized that these calendars end on 12/21/12.

This news was so disturbing to these researchers that they deemed this date the day of Armageddon.  According to the bearers-of-bad-news, nothing good can come of this cessation of dates etched into limestone.

Some of these experts think the magnetic poles of the Earth will shift, others believe the planet will cease spinning altogether.  My worst case scenario is that Alec Baldwin would make another movie.  But, I digress.

In any case, such changes would result in catastrophic flooding, earthquakes, and even hurl Earthlings into space.  Turning lemons into lemonade, such a cataclysm might actually be beneficial.

Shopping for a special gift for your wife or husband or General Patraeus wouldn’t be necessary.  Returning those unwanted socks with toes, would be non-existent, and that trip to the in-laws’ home for Christmas dinner, reprieved.

All this sounds awfully cynical but, it’s not my call.  The scientists studying that Mayan debris started this.  Just how we are expected to prepare for this devastation remains unclear.

The recent trek of Hurricane Sandy up the east coast demonstrated the frailty of Americans and their ability to handle a category 1 storm. 

Still, if incorrect in their warning about a 12/21/12 calamity, those esteemed scientists are cut from the same cloth as the scientists crying about climate change and the need for actions to stop that alleged problem.  There wasn’t much anyone could do to avoid being affected by Hurricane Sandy and there isn’t much anyone can do about the Earth re-tilting on its axis.

Nonetheless, you should plan according to your beliefs.  I’ll still hang my Christmas lights and buy those special gifts on the outside chance that Mayan calendar maker got another job, died, or tired of stone carving.

Otherwise, check back here on December 24^th for a new story.

Complaint Department

Good news abounds.  It seems as though the economy is actually so good that merchants don’t care to keep loyal customers coming back.

Sears is one of those select chain stores that feel they are doing so well they can push people away.  Some years ago, I bought a leaf blower at Sears and it needed repair.  I insisted it was under warranty but, it was not – by three weeks; I know because the sales clerk looked it up on his computer and told me so.  Not long ago, I visited that same Sears store hoping to buy a new head for my gas string trimmer.  The sales clerk asked me for the product number which I did not know.  He refused to talk to me because I didn’t have “that pesky eight-digit number.”  I contest he could’ve looked it up but, he didn’t have time.  They lost another customer but, who cares?

The Home Depot clearly hires personnel from Sears because their store personnel aren’t much better at customer interaction.  This big box store hires people who shouldn’t be anywhere near customers – whether they are taking their medications or not – because they are not only hapless, they are combative.  With no clue as to how customers are supposed to be treated, these dolts in orange aprons think they are doing me the big favor.  They are wrong.

Lowe’s, The Home Depot’s largest competitor, isn’t much better.  Their clerks like to think they do not have to help you when you need assistance finding something.  A recent 20-minute wait to ask a simple question went unaddressed, with me leaving over $5000 in materials behind in carts and on dollies.  The store “manager” was unapologetic, and is now stuck with a fairly large lost sale.  And, another lost customer can be notched on their wooden rulers.

Tractor Supply Company likely wrote the employee manuals for Lowes’, The Home Depot, and Sears.  I ordered a flashlight and patiently awaited its arrival.  After the two-week waiting period, I visited the store to which it was being sent, to no avail.  No one knew what I was talking about.  Amen.  I haven’t been back since.

Banks are not exempt from being indifferent to its customers.  Bank of America is a fine example of a business that thinks people are stupid.  I called to ask a question but, no one was available to answer the phone so, I left a detailed message and requested a call back.  Four years later, I don’t believe that call is coming – it doesn’t matter, though, since I am no longer a customer.  When asked why we were removing our cash from their bank, I explained the un-returned phone call.  The representative explained that bank personnel were too busy helping in-lobby customers, although we had to wait for the rep to get off the phone.

Then there is Cheaper Than Dirt.  This company, much like others that advertise, needs customers to exist.  Here’s your freebie from www.easternshorefishandgame.com: if you can’t keep merchandise on hand, you don’t advertise to sell more.  Cheaper Than Dirt regularly sends out a flyer advertising their goods.  I selected two items and ordered them.  They never arrived.  A call to Cheaper Than Dirt HQ suggested the idea that phone personnel were sleeping with the boss as that would be the only reason they had jobs.  Several attempts to rectify this mess by me went unaddressed until months later when someone’s secretary felt compelled to call me about my service experience.  She got an earful and apologized to me for ten-minutes until I told her that Cheaper Than Dirt had their chance and blew it.  I further detailed how my gun club would be notified of my horror story, too.  Unfortunately, it was too little, too late, for me.

The bottom line in all this is businesses exist to sell products and provide services to the unwashed masses.  If they want to continue doing so, they need to treat me and others with respect and as though my money is as green as everyone else’s.  They also need to realize that if they don’t cater to me, I can go elsewhere and often do.  They need me more than I need them.

iDon'tGivea...

Garden of Eden logo

Yesterday was supposed to be the special day of the year.  It seems that Apple released a new product the size of a postage stamp called the iPad mini.  With all the hoopla, I was curious to see what this spectacular gadget was all about.

I am not a virgin to Apple and its wide variety of devices that include iMac, iPod, iPhone and iPad.  I actually have an iPod that I use for toting a small portion of my vast music collection around with me while lawn mowing, exercising, and generally loafing.  It is a splendid idea that summarily replaced Sony’s Walkman that was all the rage in the 1980’s.

My iPod is the size of a pack of gum and holds several days’ worth of songs, photos, personal memos, along with the ability to record video.  This is really neat, to me.  But, in the past few years, it has become obsolete because this does not access the internet.

Enter the iPhone.  The iPhone was introduced a couple of years ago as the be-all-end-all in communications.  You can access your e-mail, add apps, store and play music, and even make phone calls on this apparatus.  No need for an iPod that doesn’t make calls or access the ‘net.

Just when this compact machine became all the rage, Apple introduced the iPad.  When new, the iPad was touted as a small, portable computer that could do everything except make phone calls.  The big draw to this was supposed be the compactness of a computer that had a larger screen needed for the internet.  I call this a step backward, unlike Apple that calls this a giant step forward.

Nonetheless, this new iPad mini is alleged to be greater than the six-month old antique iPad because it has a – tada: Smaller screen!  Huh?  But, but, but…

Throughout the years, several versions of the iPhone have been introduced in versions 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and now 16.  My iPod is generation 5 and, it may be up to generation 27 by now – I’m not sure.  If you’re keeping track, the iPad is up to version 33 or 34.

Apple’s iMac may be up to generation 7,322 but, no one cares because it is of no value as it has a screen that is too large, is not compact enough, has a real keyboard, doesn’t have a video camera, and no phone.

There you have it.  You really don’t need an iMac if you leave the house, but need an iPhone unless you want a larger screen.  If you need to make phone calls, don’t buy an iPad, iPod, or iMac, but buy an iPhone.  But then, should you require the ability to send e-mails and access the internet, avoid the iPod.  Unless you need a tablet, in which case you will want to buy an iPad.  However, if you need a smaller screen, get the new iPad mini.

Personally, I think I’ll simply wait three months until Apple releases a wrist watch that does everything and dispenses ice cubes and filtered water.  And, tells time.  Let’s call it the ‘iGotitall.’

Safe, Again!

Congratulations are in order for the Florida’s Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, abbreviated FWC, for some inane reason.

The FWC has finally captured the most famous, wily, and well-known escapee in the history of Florida – a fellow named Cornelius.

It seems as though Cornelius escaped from captivity and his shrewd ways have kept him free for four years.  Yes, Cornelius has outsmarted the hapless people employed by FWC and now has been remanded to serve his time in a cage.

Cornelius, after all, is a rhesus macaque monkey, and has demonstrated skills eluding those FWC professionals who mostly spend their time doing something mysterious, but not their jobs.

If this sounds a bit harsh, it is because I had an unpleasant encounter with FWC baboons, er, representatives in 2010.  On a road trip to Florida via back then, my sainted wife – who has no sense of humor – asked, on desolate Route 121 in Williston in The Sunshine State, if I had seen the monkey.  I hadn’t, for if I had seen it I would have mentioned it first.

In any case, she apparently thought this primate was waiting on the side of the road – with no broken down vehicle in the vicinity – merely standing there watching the sparse traffic pass.  He didn’t even waved to us.

Upon our arrival at our destination, we mentioned this less-than usual episode and the excitement began.  We were told that this monkey, whose name was not known at that time, was on the lam and that FWC personnel were actively seeking information as to his whereabouts.  This cunning critter was somehow eluding the highly trained, well-equipped FWC by running and climbing real fast, maybe even employing disguises.  On an aside, I find that the eyeglasses, nose, and mustache combination works really well.  But, I digress.

At the behest of our Florida friends and family, I contacted the FWC headquarters to dutifully report this long-awaited sighting.  Things didn’t go well when the first person with whom I spoke had no clue as to what I was referring, although this story had been in the newspaper and on the radio and TV news, for at least a year.

It wasn’t until the fourth transferred phone call and a final berating by FWC personnel – that I had contacted the wrong region – it became clear the FWC phones were possibly manned by primates in cahoots with their freedom-loving comrade.

Yes. It certainly appeared to be a concerted effort to aid and abet this at-large miscreant.

For those reading this outside of Florida, this calculating monkey, who FWC told me they never heard of, even had a Facebook page, and was urged – no lie – to run for the office of Mayor of Tampa.  Locals were feeding him peanuts and cookies and fruit and helping him hide from FWC folks, who likely couldn’t find water if they fell out of a boat, much less a rhesus macaque monkey.  We Virginia folks refer to this as ‘doing your job.’

As of a few days ago, Floridians have been able to rest safely since Cornelius’ capture.  I can imagine shades of Bonnie and Clyde’s final ride when hearing about this volume of ineptitude that allowed Cornelius to bite a woman on the back, which caught the attention of FWC.  Some Florida hero used a tranquilizer gun to sedate Cornelius, and another person wrestled this unexpectedly large monkey until both tired.

Who published the original ‘be on the look-out’ if they weren’t interested in pursuing this matter is my big question. 

But it seems like a bargain paying those FWC phone answerers with peanuts and cookies and fruit. 

Listen to This

As a child, I tried helping my Dad with around-the-house chores.  When successful, it would involve an AM radio that was tuned to some sort of sports event.

Our house was regularly tuned to a New York Giants or Yankees game which automatically chose my affiliation later in life, and until today.  But, it was the radio that provided the real magic of making the time fly.

I learned that it was possible to do more than one thing at a time, something now referred to as “multi-tasking.”  We weren’t forced to sit and watch a television for entertainment.  We were free to roam about and paint, bundle brush, or wash the car, and still take in the Yankees beating the Orioles.  As a matter of fact, it is almost a pleasure to drive because I get to listen to the radio and am still able to get somewhere important.

But, listening to the radio today is not nearly as simple as it was in days of yore.  As a child who was born before ball point pens were invented, and there were only 48 states, radios were pretty limited in features.

Radios usually had one band – AM.  That was not the case elsewhere in the world, though.  European radios were set-up with AM, FM, and SW.  The SW part is for “shortwave,” most of which is still limited to foreign language talk and some classical music, thereby limiting the audience in the U.S.  Eventually, the domestic radios began being manufactured in both AM and FM.

By then, the mold was cast and my listening habits gravitated toward “Top 40” radio.  Top 40 was the stuff today’s classic music is made of.  Perky songs interspersed with equally-perky fast talking disc jockeys made listening to them a game in itself.  Today, even though those DJs are probably drooling in their oatmeal, their crazy fast jive talk remains ingrained in my head.  There may be prescription drugs for that.  But, I digress.

Since then we, as a society, have landed on the moon several times, refined the coffee percolator, made television pictures ‘color,’ found a cure for polio, and added two states.  We also have become more litigious.

“Do not attempt,” and “Driver is a professional,” and even “Always drive on roads, never on people,” are just a few actual warnings that appear in print at the bottom of the TV screen during commercials, clearly written for fleas with magnifying glasses.  It doesn’t stop there.  Evidently, there is some sort of stipulation that the looooong warning at the end of car ads – the part about financing – must be virtually illegible even to those fleas.

The radio is not exempt.  Listening to car ads is more annoying than TV ads because, you can simply look away from the TV.  Radio ads must read that same disclosure statement.  Realistically, I could read aloud that statement about financing, the 18% interest rate, length of loan, and how much the down payment should be, in roughly 31 seconds.  Since the ad itself is only 30 seconds, the admen need to compress this by essentially slurring all the words, thereby rendering them all useless.

In any case, satellite radio is another venue for multi-taskers such as me.  Satellite radio offers 250 channels of music and talk, most of which I never listen to.  Yet, the big draw is the commercial-free music and non-existent “station fade.”  Yes, you can drive cross-country and never lose a station.

Enter HD radio.  At present, it is a novelty in the U.S. and should not be confused with satellite radio which requires a subscription.

In any case, I still listen to the radio and still enjoy it.  With the right announcers, baseball games and football games and NASCAR events can be as visual on the radio as on television. And, it allows for multi-tasking.  And, too bad for the Yankees.

Name-less

Has never heard of this website

Growing up in a working-class home in a working-class neighborhood, I didn’t mingle with others outside my social arena.  Of course I knew there were both less and more affluent folks in America but, they weren’t my concern.  Now, I have questions.

As a child, I felt fortunate to have been given a first name and a last name.  I also have a middle name and consider myself blessed.  Poor folks such as J. Edgar Hoover and G. Gordon Liddy have the misfortune of being raised without the benefit of first names that they could clearly not manage to pay for.

Then I heard about some woman named “Cher.”  I felt badly for her as she could only afford one name.  As it turns out, she is a mediocre singer and an even less stellar actress who still wears very scant clothing and gave birth to a girl who became a man.  Cher was married to a guy named Sonny Bono who was a singer and U.S. Congressman who should not be confused with that other guy named Bono who is a singer for a band named U2 and a United Nations something-or-other ambassador of ambiguity.  But, I digress.

Another down-and-out singer is some woman named “Beyonce.”  She, too, is a one-namer who clearly cannot afford two names.  Beyonce doesn’t earn the same pity from me because she knowingly married a fellow with only initials – Jay-Z.

Madonna is another person who sings and sports one name.  This Madonna is not particularly bright and enjoys bullying her concert attendees into listening to her political viewpoints.  Madonna just proclaimed, “Y'all better vote for f--king Obama, OK? For better or for worse, all right? We have a black Muslim in the White House.”  Not a very eloquent speaker, either, is she.  It begs the question, though, “Is the President cool enough for one name?”  I have many names for him.

Prince is yet another poor soul without last name, and yet another singer.  I see a pattern here.

Friends of mine tell me names like these are intentional in nature.  Cher is actually Cher Sarkisian, Beyonce is Beyonce Knowles, and Jay-Z is Shawn Corey Carter, Madonna is Madonna Ciccone, and Prince is really Prince Nelson.  It seems as though the shorter the name, the better.  When names are too long, they are substituted with initials.  Just how Mr. Carter got Jay-Z out of his name is another public school spelling class anomaly.  But, I digress, again.  Still, these folks are cool.

Madonna is from a time when even another singer was popular, Michael Jackson.  Michael Jackson, who got the Earth to stop spinning for him when his personal physician killed him in an overdose with a cocktail of prescription, injected drugs.  Mr. Jackson was so cool he had to resort to using initials – MJ.  Once again, confusion abounds when people use letters, particularly “MJ” which could also represent that other black celebrity, Michael Jordan, former basketball star who now advertises underwear.  But, really cool people know who-is-who and don’t need clarification that the unwashed – such as I – do.

Mother Teresa was pretty cool but, not enough to be bestowed with only one name.  Which would it be?  Mother or Teresa?  Maybe MT.  Naw, that’s too much like the abbreviation for the state of Montana.

Enter Robert Griffin III.  Mr. Griffin is the Washington Redskin quarterback flavor-of-the-day.  Half-way through the first seasonal game, I became confused as all the announcers felt compelled to show their elation for him that they spontaneously changed his moniker.  He is so beloved – likely due to his brilliant three win, three loss record, that he is now known only as RG3.  That is really hip.

In any case, there are still some cool cats that fit right in, not needing more identification of themselves such as my best buddy, Smokey the Cat.  Adding “the Cat” produces too much unnecessary information as Smokey can be readily identified as a feline. 

Beyonce, Cher, Bono, Prince, MJ, Madonna, meet Smokey.  Jay-Z, get a better cool name.  RG3, try winning a game or two more.

From here on out, he is simply “Smokey.”  I’m still working on a slick, hip name for myself.

Carved-in-Stone

I consider myself the luckiest man on the planet because now I get to explain baseball playoffs to my sainted wife.

Being a New York Yankee fan from the American League, and a Washington Nationals fan from the National League, I have my time pretty well scheduled for the remainder of October.

When my sainted wife asked me who was in the World Series, I was forced to tell her we didn’t yet know.  I needed to tell her the regular season games weren’t over yet and at that time we would know who would be playing to win their Division Series.

“But, the newspaper said that the Nationals won their Division,” she tossed out for me to address.

“Yes, but technically, they still have one game to play,” I added.

“The Nats lost their game last night and still won their Division?” she asked.

“Sure.  Remember that they are so many games ahead that they can’t lose their Division,” I proudly announced.

All seemed to make perfect sense to me when she asked if it was all over when she mentioned that the Atlanta Braves had a playoff berth.   “How can Atlanta get in if the Nats have the best record?”

That was a pretty good question to which I did not have an answer.  Common sensibly, if you win the most games, you win your division.  Unfortunately, we are not talking about common sense when involving sports.

Indeed, for some unknown reason, the Braves get a chance to win a spot in the World Series representing 

the National League, even though they don’t have the best record this year, being three games behind the Nats.

In any case, my sainted wife’s vigor to help me cheer the Nats on to a World Series victory seemed to wane significantly with this good-news-turned-bad.

 “What about the Yankees?” was her next logical question.

“They need to win tonight’s game or it’s all over for them for the season,” I deftly explained.

“Wait one second!  The Yanks are one game ahead but, if they lose they are out?  What about the Braves?  They are three games back and they get a chance!” she protested.

And, I was right behind her protesting to the newspaper about this seemingly unfair situation that could let a less qualified team play the most qualified team for bragging rights and fan satisfaction and the World Series trophy.  What’s up with that?

Suddenly realizing I was losing a sports debate with my sainted wife, and not knowing why, I thought it best to simply get more information from the internet.

It seems as though the baseball rule book states that “when games are played after 2:00 PM, on a Tuesday after the full moon, and a three-legged dog runs by a blue sedan on Elm Street, the National League team in second place wins their Division.  The only exception is that if the wind-chill temperature in Sioux Falls, South Dakota is less than 37 degrees on October 2^nd, the first place team should win unless someone changes this carved-in-stone rule.”

Since this now all makes sense, I stood to call my sainted wife to give her the details when my phone rang.

My Mother was calling to ask why her Tampa Bay Rays were not in the division playoffs.  I say let them all play and give them all trophies.

Sticker, T-shirt, Pin, Rubber Band

Back in the 1960’s, some genius with a printing press invented what is now called bumper stickers.  Bumper stickers were preceded by cardboard signs which were wired onto one’s bumper to advertise amusement parks and roadside attractions.  The cardboard signs didn’t have the durability and longevity of the vinyl adhesive-backed variety, though.

Originally advertising for “Peace” and later political affiliations, bumper stickers had some appeal that is everlasting to some.  Eventually, these stickers evolved into large daisies that often adorned the inaugural VW Beetles and vans to make them cuter.  Stickers with NRA, or OBX, or 26.2, now adorn many bumpers on our highways.

Over the past half-century, the means of advertising has changed in ways few could have imagined.

Nearly everyone, today, has a cause of some sort.  Way back when, since we were unable to carry around our vehicles, we moved to a more mobile method of wearing our hearts on our heads by implementing t-shirts.  Clothing as a conduit to spread personal thoughts and affiliations has been popular since the 1970’s

But, dressing for an office or similar scenario limited the use of t-shirts.  Enter the creation of pins.  These pins – still available and in use – come in hat and lapel variations.

Fraternal organizations, military units, governmental entities, private enterprises, and scholastic groups, all use these pins to indicate membership or rank, or both.  Akin to armed services identification, such pins are instant forms of informal identification used to garner respect and admiration, not unlike those cardboard and wire bumper ads that made neighbors green with envy because of your 1964 trip to Howe Caverns.

A decade ago, we switched from lapel and hat pins to wrist bands.  Cheesy and made of rubber, they began with a unique color indicating one’s special cause for buying and wearing one.

Depression is green, cancer is yellow, AIDS is red, breast cancer is pink, child abuse is blue, tree saving is green – uh, I thought that was depression.  Maybe you get depressed when you can’t save a decaying, dangerous tree.  And, that yellow cancer one is for Lance Armstrong’s cancer as breast cancer doesn’t count.  FYI, Mr. Armstrong’s cancer could be attributed to his years of self-injection of steroids to better compete in his Tour de France bicycle races.  Buying them is supposed to support that special cause and possibly give the wearer a sense of superiority with an “I care more” attitude.  But, I digress.

This nonsense is out of control.  Breast cancer awareness month is October.  This is time when NASCAR teams, football players, golfers, and many others, decorate their uniforms, cars, and accessories with pink.  Begun in the 1990’s this “pink” campaign originated with pink ribbons being worn to ‘make people aware’ of breast cancer. 

Today, this breast cancer campaign is getting old as after 20-years, everyone should be aware and the collected monies from those cheap bracelets and ribbons, et al, should be going to the cure itself rather than useless trinkets.  And, wearing those silly ribbons and bracelets doesn’t make anyone more compassionate than those who don’t.

Maybe we should go back to advertising those special places we visited like Howe Caverns.