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| Not Crusty's Craft |
For those readers who are new to this site, there is a real
character to which we refer as Crusty who resides here on The Shore. Crusty is quite unique in that most of his
antics wind up causing serious woes for himself and others, mostly because his ideas
are half-baked and usually resemble projects emanating from Rube Goldberg. Yes, this is the same guy who sold his truck
for gas money.
While attending a storage company auction, Crusty felt
compelled to bid on nine ceiling fans.
Much to everyone’s chagrin, he was successful. This is where the story begins.
Not really adept at anything except conning people into
believing he has real skills, he apparently gave birth to an idea to make
lemonade out of those proverbial lemon fans.
This stellar plan was to create a personal helicopter. What could possibly go wrong?
This particular hare-brained idea was to simply use a few
2X4’s, an old bicycle frame, some other rusty parts, and luck to contrive this
contraption into something that would make Igor Sikorsky jealous.
To begin, these are the same ceiling fans that one would
find attached to the ceiling of the average kitchen, den, or bedroom. They are used to keep rooms cool in summer
and warm in winter. They are not for lifting people and/or cargo but, since
there was no warning printed on the boxes, this plan was fair game.
A few folks in our sleepy little town use mopeds and golf
carts and bikes to meander about the area.
It seems as though air travel would make any trip more expeditious by
not having to slow for the errant loose dog or feral cat.
Mounting each of eight fans to the lumber – upside down, of
course – would provide the lift, in theory.
A couple of corroded nails along with some baling wire would do the
trick. The bicycle would provide a seat
and steering capabilities for this Federal Aviation Administration non-approved
device. Steering was pretty artless with
the benefit of two ropes attached to the ninth fan secured to the stern of this
vessel, much like a propeller on a boat.
Keep in mind that most of Crusty’s boats have similar configurations
which are just as amusing.
Now, is where you should be thinking about how he plans to
power this contraption that he expects will be the envy of all the
towns-people.
Since he clearly thought this all out pretty thoroughly, the
obvious answer was to use a gas generator in lieu of a coal-fired furnace to
make steam. Heck, with each fan weighing
about 25 pounds, the lumber at a few pounds each, the bike at 15 pounds, Crusty
himself weighing in at 230, and a 60 pound generator, those eight lifting fans
should have no problem whatsoever allowing this contrivance to soar.
Many, many man-hours of labor and thinking went into this
garage project that closely resembled the atomic bomb’s Manhattan Project in
secrecy. Crusty thinks a secret is
something you tell one person at a time.
So, news traveled fast.
It wasn’t long before the paint and other finishing touches
were applied and those fans, new ropes, and divine guidance could finally be
tested.
What seemed as if a true miracle was occurring, after
starting the generator, then pulling the chain on each fan, Crusty hobbled onto
the bicycle seat wearing a wide grin. It
took just enough time for Crusty to get comfortable before the whirling blades
kicked up rushes of wind and sand and leaves and mosquitos, akin to a tornado.
All eyes were glued on Crusty for sign of trepidation; there
was none.
After roughly two-minutes, the crowd of three on-lookers
dissipated in not unexpected disappointment.
A few days later, remnants of this spectacular storage
locker auction coup could be found strewn about Crusty’s backyard.
And, all awaited his next big idea.
