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Growing up in a working-class home in a working-class
neighborhood, I didn’t mingle with others outside my social arena. Of course I knew there were both less and
more affluent folks in America but, they weren’t my concern. Now, I have questions.
As a child, I felt fortunate to have been given a first name
and a last name. I also have a middle
name and consider myself blessed. Poor
folks such as J. Edgar Hoover and G. Gordon Liddy have the misfortune of being
raised without the benefit of first names that they could clearly not manage to
pay for.
Then I heard about some woman named “Cher.” I felt badly for her as she could only afford
one name. As it turns out, she is a
mediocre singer and an even less stellar actress who still wears very scant
clothing and gave birth to a girl who became a man. Cher was married to a guy named Sonny Bono
who was a singer and U.S. Congressman who should not be confused with that
other guy named Bono who is a singer for a band named U2 and a United Nations
something-or-other ambassador of ambiguity.
But, I digress.
Another down-and-out singer is some woman named “Beyonce.” She, too, is a one-namer who clearly cannot
afford two names. Beyonce doesn’t earn the
same pity from me because she knowingly married a fellow with only initials –
Jay-Z.
Madonna is another person who sings and sports one
name. This Madonna is not particularly
bright and enjoys bullying her concert attendees into listening to her
political viewpoints. Madonna just proclaimed,
“Y'all better vote for f--king Obama, OK? For better or for
worse, all right? We have a black Muslim in the White House.” Not a very eloquent speaker, either, is she. It begs the question, though, “Is the
President cool enough for one name?” I
have many names for him.
Prince is yet another poor soul without last name, and yet
another singer. I see a pattern here.
Friends of mine tell me names like these are intentional in
nature. Cher is actually Cher Sarkisian,
Beyonce is Beyonce Knowles, and Jay-Z is Shawn Corey Carter, Madonna is Madonna
Ciccone, and Prince is really Prince Nelson.
It seems as though the shorter the name, the better. When names are too long, they are substituted
with initials. Just how Mr. Carter got
Jay-Z out of his name is another public school spelling class anomaly. But, I digress, again. Still, these folks are cool.
Madonna is from a time when even another singer was popular,
Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson, who
got the Earth to stop spinning for him when his personal physician killed him
in an overdose with a cocktail of prescription, injected drugs. Mr. Jackson was so cool he had to resort to
using initials – MJ. Once again,
confusion abounds when people use letters, particularly “MJ” which could also
represent that other black celebrity, Michael Jordan, former basketball star
who now advertises underwear. But,
really cool people know who-is-who and don’t need clarification that the
unwashed – such as I – do.
Mother Teresa was pretty cool but, not enough to be bestowed
with only one name. Which would it
be? Mother or Teresa? Maybe MT.
Naw, that’s too much like the abbreviation for the state of Montana.
Enter Robert Griffin III.
Mr. Griffin is the Washington Redskin quarterback
flavor-of-the-day. Half-way through the
first seasonal game, I became confused as all the announcers felt compelled to
show their elation for him that they spontaneously changed his moniker. He is so beloved – likely due to his
brilliant three win, three loss record, that he is now known only as RG3. That is really hip.
In any case, there are still some cool cats that fit right
in, not needing more identification of themselves such as my best buddy, Smokey
the Cat. Adding “the Cat” produces too
much unnecessary information as Smokey can be readily identified as a
feline.
Beyonce, Cher, Bono, Prince, MJ, Madonna, meet Smokey. Jay-Z, get a better cool name. RG3, try winning a game or two more.
From here on out, he is simply “Smokey.” I’m still working on a slick, hip name for myself.
