Congratulations are in order for
the Florida’s Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, abbreviated FWC, for
some inane reason.
The FWC has finally captured the
most famous, wily, and well-known escapee in the history of Florida – a fellow
named Cornelius.
It seems as though Cornelius
escaped from captivity and his shrewd ways have kept him free for four
years. Yes, Cornelius has outsmarted the
hapless people employed by FWC and now has been remanded to serve his time in a
cage.
Cornelius, after all, is a rhesus
macaque monkey, and has demonstrated skills eluding those FWC professionals who
mostly spend their time doing something mysterious, but not their jobs.
If this sounds a bit harsh, it is
because I had an unpleasant encounter with FWC baboons, er, representatives in
2010. On a road trip to Florida via back
then, my sainted wife – who has no sense of humor – asked, on desolate Route
121 in Williston in The Sunshine State, if I had seen the monkey. I hadn’t, for if I had seen it I would have
mentioned it first.
In any case, she apparently
thought this primate was waiting on the side of the road – with no broken down
vehicle in the vicinity – merely standing there watching the sparse traffic
pass. He didn’t even waved to us.
Upon our arrival at our destination,
we mentioned this less-than usual episode and the excitement began. We were told that this monkey, whose name was
not known at that time, was on the lam and that FWC personnel were actively
seeking information as to his whereabouts.
This cunning critter was somehow eluding the highly trained,
well-equipped FWC by running and climbing real fast, maybe even employing
disguises. On an aside, I find that the
eyeglasses, nose, and mustache combination works really well. But, I digress.
At the behest of our Florida
friends and family, I contacted the FWC headquarters to dutifully report this
long-awaited sighting. Things didn’t go
well when the first person with whom I spoke had no clue as to what I was
referring, although this story had been in the newspaper and on the radio and
TV news, for at least a year.
It wasn’t until the fourth
transferred phone call and a final berating by FWC personnel – that I had contacted
the wrong region – it became clear the FWC phones were possibly manned by
primates in cahoots with their freedom-loving comrade.
Yes. It certainly appeared to be
a concerted effort to aid and abet this at-large miscreant.
For those reading this outside of
Florida, this calculating monkey, who FWC told me they never heard of, even had
a Facebook page, and was urged – no lie – to run for the office of Mayor of
Tampa. Locals were feeding him peanuts
and cookies and fruit and helping him hide from FWC folks, who likely couldn’t
find water if they fell out of a boat, much less a rhesus macaque monkey. We Virginia folks refer to this as ‘doing
your job.’
As of a few days ago, Floridians
have been able to rest safely since Cornelius’ capture. I can imagine shades of Bonnie and Clyde’s
final ride when hearing about this volume of ineptitude that allowed Cornelius
to bite a woman on the back, which caught the attention of FWC. Some Florida hero used a tranquilizer gun to
sedate Cornelius, and another person wrestled this unexpectedly large monkey
until both tired.
Who published the original ‘be on
the look-out’ if they weren’t interested in pursuing this matter is my big
question.
But it seems like a bargain
paying those FWC phone answerers with peanuts and cookies and fruit.
