Snax for All

A recent trip to the supermarket, to garner edible supplies, led me to the snack aisle.  When I talk about the snack aisle, I am referring to the more appropriately titled “potato chip” aisle.  Granted the newly-renamed potato chip aisle houses more than just potato chips, a la corn chips, cheese curls, popcorn, and pretzels, it now has more meaning as to where to locate certain foods.

 

Some food merchants enjoy throwing curve balls at their patrons filling their “snack” aisles with crackers and rice cakes.  Such blasphemy deserves legislation to prevent these practices from spreading nation-wide and becoming an epidemic.

 

In days of yore, snacks were never healthy or advertised as such.  If a snack has the word “diet,” or “lo-cal,” avoid them with vigor.

 

Snacks, by their very nature, are deadly.  Firstly, they taste great to encourage you to eat more.  Secondly, they taste great because of the fat, grease, salt, and high-carbohydrates, associated therewith.

 

Do-gooders will direct you to the pretzel area but, don’t be fooled.  It seems as though pretzels have 22 grams of carbs, compared to the 16 grams that potato chips offer.  I could rest my case here but, I still have lots of room and time left.

 

Those all so healthy rice cakes have 21 grams of carbs so, there!

 

Then, you have busy-bodies who will say, “Try the baked potato chips.”

 

That’s akin to eating boiled chicken instead of Southern fried.  Not much of a challenge, if you ask me.

 

My sainted wife will invariably return home with nacho chips which, when appropriately adorned, are edible.  Eventually, they make their way onto a baking sheet with sautéed ground beef, shredded lettuce, salsa, and generous amounts of Velveeta cheese, only to be pooped into the oven for flavor melding.  Now, they’re edible.

 

But, the newest fad appears to be those popcorn “puffs.”  These snacks come in different flavors, such as cheddar cheese and butter.  They are simply puffed corn without the hulls with salt and flavor.  By nature, corn has no flavor and merely serves as a vehicle to introduce those flavors.  As a note of importance, those flavors consist of a special concoction of chemicals that not only taste terrific but, also wreak havoc with ones intestinal tract to create copious amounts of methane gas.  FYI.

 

That same warning applies to flavored potato chips and rice cakes, as well.  But, I digress.

 

The snack aisle is not the magical supermarket area it once was, and is only getting more bizarre.  Today, its shelves are stocked with potato chips made from processed potatoes, ground corn formed into horns, and even ersatz onion rings.  Each of those are designed for a special need, such as totally uniform chips sold in cans, a scoop-like trumpet to get more dip, and a means of generating some of the worst bad breath in North America.

 

There are chips with ridges and without, some fried in “kettles,” and some cut into lattices.  All of these deserve their own accounting for their existence, likely in future stories.

 

Now to wash these treats down with a cup of some wholesome milk that contains only 12 grams of sugar!?!

Watch This

Recent television programs and movies show men and women going about life without wearing wrist watches.

 

This may not be the astounding news that I feel it is but, being punctual has always been my “thing.”  As such, I sport a wrist watch all my waking hours.

 

It used to be that nearly all male actors had watches adorning their wrists – even during those lurid bedroom scenes.  How odd, I thought, that someone cavorting with a beautiful woman needed to wear a timepiece.  Was he afraid she might pilfer it, or was he using it to time his best effort?  In any case, he had a chronograph.

 

Watches were hand made during the 18^th and 19^th centuries, and came in the form of a pocket watch.  Those watches were sometimes very ornate and used primarily by people needing to keep a schedule – railroad and Pony Express riders were some of the few ‘timely’ folks.  Bankers and shop owners of yore used them, too, to ensure no missed business.

 

It wasn’t until World War I that wrist watches became popular.  Being away from a zone scheduled to be bombed at a particular time, was important.  Pocket watches were subject to damage, and had to be fished out of a pocket to be read – difficult to do in a foxhole with people shooting at anything that moved.  Hence, the wrist watch was popularized.

 

Throughout the decades, modifications and improvements have made these time keepers evolve into more than just devices to tell time.  Some tell the date, some tell the day of the week, some tell the year.

 

I, personally, own a number of wrist watches and cherish them all.  Two, in particular, are tied for my favorite.  Both are Citizen brand, and both are meaningful.  One came as a retirement gift from “my only friend,” and the other is from my brother-in-law.  Each has its own special features and qualities, and each is handsome in its own unique way.

 

They possess the ability to be used as a stopwatch, calendar, and can even tell the temperature in Cairo, Egypt.  One is a pilot’s watch and come with a slide rule-type calculator; the other is a stylish dress watch with a leather band and is solar-powered.

 

My first watch was a Timex I received as a First Communion gift.  I have not yet received my last watch, though.  I love them as not only an effective means of telling time, but also as fashionable jewelry.

 

Making a full circle, it seems obvious that those without a viable means of telling time need a way to do so.  My associates who don’t wear watches tell me they use their cell phones as time references.  But, remember the aforementioned pocket watches?

 

I think I’ll keep my watches and feel and look fashionable.  But, you won’t see me wearing one in my lurid bedroom scenes.

Safety First

A trip to the grocery store for some provisions got me into a philosophical mood.  Salad dressing, ketchup, snacks, and beverages, rounded out my list for mid-week shopping.

 

Back in the early 1980’s, someone spiked Chicago-area Tylenol capsules with a poison that killed seven people and began the habit of sealing easily accessed ingestible products.

 

It used to be most bottles of pills merely had a screw-on cap that kept both the nine-feet of cotton and pills, in place.  It seems as though someone intentionally laced some Tylenol capsules with cyanide at the local level, rather than at the factory.

 

Foil and plastic shields suddenly appeared and were glued on the individual bottles of virtually every medication as a precaution from copycat morons.

 

It wasn’t long before everything had a special seal to either “ensure freshness,” or “guaranty safety.”  In any case, they became annoying then and are still annoying.

 

Acting as a sort of gasket, these tamper-proof devices serve as a method of detecting if a package has been opened, offering a warning to consumers.

 

My recently-purchased salad dressing may as well have been sealed with a glob of concrete with a pull tab attached.  The undersized tab needed needle nosed pliers to grasp lest it be torn off rendering it useless; I didn’t use the pliers, and I was rendered useless.

 

The same scenario was relived with the ketchup.  But, it is only speculation on my part that plastic jugs of oil and windshield washer fluid have those tamper-resistant seals because of leak prevention and not to preserve freshness.

 

Nonetheless, this exercise appears to be merely legal, in nature.  A precaution, for sure, but also somewhat phony in nature, sealing ingestible goods is only effective if all ingestibles are protected.

 

Allow me to explain.  Some grocery stores showcase “bulk goods,” which are unpackaged food products along the lines of cereals, nuts, and candies.  These bulk goods are usually heaped in barrels with handy scoops available to fill up your bags.  These no-frill, no-name foodstuffs are decidedly less expensive than those in colorful, brand name packaging.

 

Here’s the rub: Anyone could lace these unprotected foods with any number of poisons, and render countless numbers of consumers severely ill or mortally injured.  Why not the

urge to “ensure freshness” or “guaranty safety?”  Perhaps bargain hunters deserve neither.

 

The same scenario can be applied to baked goods, especially those doughnuts that are in those self-serve venues.  Let us not forget the produce departments around the nation, either.

 

Before I leave you, I must remind you of those ever-popular salad bars.  The next time you fill up your plate with head lettuce, fake bacon bits, over-strong onions, and garbanzo beans, think twice before you pour that ladle of dipped salad dressing on your creation.  Someone before you likely stuck their unwashed finger in the vat of dressing to see if it tasted like her own.

 

You’re welcomed.

So...

So, a newly-injected word is driving me crazy.  It seems as though nearly everyone in public is beginning their statements with the word “so.”

 

So, I’m not sure why this phenomenon is occurring or why it began in the first place, but it is.

 

So, I am assuming this spoken word is actually “so” and not “sew,” which would otherwise make this a so-and-sew.

 

So, a few years ago, I had a summer intern assigned to me who aptly pointed out the number of people using the words “I’ll tell you what!”

 

So, this young, smart puke felt compelled to tell me that while watching NASCAR races he noted the phrase, “I’ll tell you what!” was used dozens of times by race commentators.

 

Anxiously counting and paying better attention, I noticed “I’ll tell you what!” was also often interjected during golf matches, judge shows, and the news.

 

So, we decided to turn this exercise into a game and count each time we heard the words “I’ll tell you what!”  When together, we would do a 'high five' each time that phrase was injected.  It wasn't long before we sported blisters on our hands.  Privately, we kept a log of utterances.  Nonetheless, the intern went back to Wisconsin before a winner in our little challenge could be declared.  I think it was me.  But, I digress.

 

So, at a summer hearing for some of our IRS bullies, each one of these Fifth Amendment huggers – who failed to protect any of my Constitutional rights – began each of their statements with “So.”

 

“So, I didn’t know that screwing Americans by holding up conservative tax-exempt status was illegal.  So, we did this to 1,844 right-wing groups…we also did this to 3 left-wing groups.  So, it was the same burden.  So what?” was the way these hearings went, more or less.  Please check official transcripts for the exact lies told to Congress.

 

So, perhaps all these professional speakers are actually demonstrating their intellect by starting with “So.”

 

So, maybe they are not the brilliant orators they think they are repeatedly using the same word over and over and over, ad nauseum.

 

So, possibly the folks who positioned these point men and women aren’t actually listening to them and failed to notice the word “so” may be being overused.  So?

 

So, even an eye witness to a local crime recently and stately said, “So, he jump into da hoopty wit a gun.  I yell, ‘So, where you be goin?’  So he say, ‘I catch up wit you later, player.’”  Again, please check official transcripts for the exact verbiage.

 

So, the English language is chock full of words with which to begin sentences and, unless I missed the introduction of a new law requiring it, beginning each declaration with “So,” becomes annoying.  I’ll tell you what!

Power of Observation

Back in the 1960’s we were introduced to an LAPD detective, Lt. Columbo.  He was a disheveled, seemingly inept crime solver who was consistently underestimated by his felonious opponents, much to their chagrin.
 

Columbo, portrayed by Peter Faulk, was adept at discovering the most miniscule bits of evidence to pursue and doggedly apprehend his criminal prey.  He was rarely wrong, if ever.  But, it was always those details along with his tenacious approach to solving the case that made the show riveting for the viewer.

 

The details were always evident to the viewers from the very beginning of each episode; finding them made both the show and Lt. Columbo entertaining.  The power of observation is a gift that not everyone possesses, and that is where we begin today.  In the vein of Columbo, here are a few you can add to your own list:

 

Have you ever noticed that the people who offer the most advice often give the worst advice?

 

Have you ever noticed how annoying the weather folks are with their teases to stay tuned?

 

Have you ever noticed that politicians, who are ‘elected’ and employed by us, don’t pay attention to our desires?

 

Have you ever noticed 99% of left-lane cruisers, driving below the posted speed limit, are bewildered when they are passed on the right?

 

Have you ever noticed the tax collector thinks you’ve got a secret stash of money to which they are entitled?

 

Have you ever noticed how foreigners who so badly want to live in the U.S. want to retain their language, dress, traditions, food, etc., from their homeland?

 

Have you ever noticed that minimum wage employees don’t grasp the concept, or definition, of an “entry level job?”

 

Have you ever noticed how onions make you cry and your gas receipts make you sob?

 

Have you ever noticed people wearing the most bizarre outfits feel compelled to laugh at your stylish hat?

 

Have you ever noticed that facial tissues are so thin you can easily blow holes in them?  This also applies to toilet paper.

 

Have you ever noticed that your swivel chair is the only reason you enjoy going to work?

 

Have you ever noticed you can tell a lot about a woman’s hands?  Hint: If she’s holding a gun, she’s probably mad.

 

Have you ever noticed that when someone tells you to ‘get a grip,’ they apparently don’t mean around their neck?

 

Have you ever noticed your prized parrot, which won’t talk for friends, becomes verbose with swear words when the preacher stops by?

 

Have you ever noticed there are 37 different shades of white?

 

Have you ever noticed that it won’t rain until after you just washed your car?

 

Have you ever noticed people selling used cars are asking for new car prices?

 

Have you ever noticed that Alec Baldwin is still living in America?

Get Over It

In case you just awoke from a lengthy coma, here is the latest news: Nearly everyone in America is easily offended.

 

People with ample time on their hands (read: Unemployed losers and/or college pukes) have been figuring out ways to irritate the rest of us.

 

Christmas has been under attack by a handful of whiners because it is too religious.  The image of Baby Jesus is much too much for most of those clowns for some unknown reason.  This likely goes along with that ‘freedom of religion’ stuff in the Constitution but, I’m not sure how.

 

Conversely, the same folks who have been ardently trying to eliminate Christmas because of its religious roots, are first to celebrate Halloween.  Halloween is the celebration called All Hallows Eve, a celebration of saints and the deceased.  Not being terribly bright, I would deem Halloween a religious event which should be shunned by schools and the other easily offended folks.

 

But, it is not enough to climb aboard some else’s offended train.  People from all walks of life are now reaching for their own cause du jour.

 

By way of background, my high school mascot was an Indian, and the sports teams were dubbed the Red Raiders.  This name was derived from the steeped history surrounding the Upstate New York area.  It seems that back in the 1700’s, the “City Beyond the Pines” was repeatedly attacked by fun-loving Indians who eventually burned the city down after killing all the inhabitants.  ‘Take-no-prisoners’ was the lesson we learned from those peaceniks.  But, I digress.

 

Today, however, the school is gone, as is the Red Raider moniker.  On the other hand, in the Washington, D.C. area, the too-much-time-on-their-hands crew is working on making things right for the Washington Redskins.

 

They clearly believe the name is racist in nature, and Redskins recalls a time when red-skinned people lived in America.  I guess they still do but, someone feels the descriptive name is offensive – too offensive to even speak aloud.

 

So, President Barack Hussein Obama has weighed in, taking time off from his secret “jobs” plan, to say he would change the name.  No word yet on the fate of the Boston Celtics or any other team changing their names.  Perhaps President Obama will find time to add his two-cents after a round of national security golf or taking a break from his jobs initiative.

 

Redskin’s team owner Dan Snyder has said there will be no name change as long as he is the owner.  Why all this is news is baffling because the offended parties can, and should, boycott attending the games as that is the solution for nearly everything else coming from the seat of government.

 

The politically correct crowd – a term given to do-gooders who enjoy sticking their noses into other people’s business – have renamed the Indian population “Native Americans.” 

 

It seems as though “Native Americans” is now the preferred term to refer to not only people born in America, but also Indians.  Sure, it’s a bit confusing but, well meant.  Maybe Mr. Snyder will consider renaming his team the Washington Easily-Offended Native Americans.  He’d better jump on this brainstorm before the Atlanta Braves or Cleveland Indians catch wind of this.

Trick or Treat

Rapidly approaching is Halloween which, in recent years, has rivaled Christmas for the most decorated holiday.  Halloween is one of those “Hallmark” holidays that was rejuvenated to simply sell more stuff.

 

Hallmark is the greeting card company that goads men into buying cards for their best girls – or now even for their best guys – along with candy for which they will be verbally chastised on Valentine’s Day.  Once an obscure holiday, St. Valentine’s Day was ginned-up to sell cards, candy, flowers, jewelry, lingerie, and stuffed animals.  But I digress.

 

Halloween used to be a holiday for kids with costumes being bought or made by parents to truly hide identities of little gremlins.  As an aside, I grew up in upstate New York where it is likely snowing while you’re reading this.  No matter what costume I wore, it was summarily covered by a parka and snowsuit; I should have gone as a mountain climber.

 

“Trick or treat,” used to be the magic words that extorted sugary treats from participating homeowner.  Today, though, too many kids arrive at our door soliciting treats without as much as uttering a single word.  Most can’t speak English, you see.  These immigrants are often accompanied by street thugs and gang members, some of whom I’m sure I saw on an episode of “Scared Straight.”

 

In any case, this October 31^st event also holds meaning for adults who enjoy attending costume parties and handing out candy to the little ones.

 

Buying candy has become a cross between an art and science.  Confectioners have resorted to all sorts of shenanigans when marketing their goods.  Rather than selling full-sized candy bars of yore, they are now hawking miniatures with marketing terms such as “fun size,” “bite size,” and “new smaller size – microscope included.”  They should be using words like “screwing you” and “new size for the stupid.”

 

Older widows in our neighborhood often resorted to passing out homemade popcorn balls and home-produced caramel apples to save money.  We were not afraid to eat those treats unless they owned a cat, which would ensure you could find some cat hair in your prize.

 

Today, however, we are all frightened to take anything that isn’t hermetically sealed similar to a bottle of Tylenol.  Even hospitals offer free x-ray screening of these goodies to ensure kids are safe.  Unfortunately, if you have a broken arm, you had better have insurance to use that machine.  But, I digress, again.

 

 

In any case, it’s not all about the candy.  Halloween lights, fake tombstones, cobwebs, skeletons, plastic or real pumpkins, and fog machines, are all available for purchase to make your house spooky.  Anyone looking for cobwebs is more than welcomed to come by my place to get the real thing.

 

But, this year, I can actually say I’ve seen it all.  It seems as though some costume company thought it would be a terrific idea to market a Halloween costume for – drum roll, please – cats.

 

 

By way of background, cats do not particularly enjoy being dressed in anything.  Anything at all.  So, whoever thought it would be great to create tens of thousands of costumes, package them, market them, ship them, and expect cat owners to buy them, will likely be searching for a new job on November 1^st.

 

Smokey the Cat won’t even don a collar much less a Brooks Brothers suit.  I wouldn’t think of trying to dress him in a turkey outfit to amuse friends and neighbors.

 

 

So, this year if you should find a small, ten-pound trick-or-treater dressed as a grey cat, answering to the name “Smokey,” save your candy and just give him a beer.