Special: True Story of Thanksgiving Day

Every year we hear more about the secular holiday, Thanksgiving Day.  It means many things to many different people, and most of what you now hear is bunk. 

 

Buttinski’s – folks who don’t have lives of their own, so they want to get involved in yours – have been trying to rid America of this special day of gluttony and sports and naps.

 

They try to blame the extermination of Indians on the white man, and claim the original immigrants were vegetarians.

 

It’s time to gather the family around the table and read the real story of Thanksgiving Day to them. 

 

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 Back in 1621, the Pilgrims and Puritans, who were transplants from that awful place, Europe, finally had a good harvest of crops and decided to celebrate to give thanks.

 

Puritans were people who left England for more religious freedom, while Pilgrims were common folk who were escaping high taxes and reality TV shows.

 

Weather was terrible – too much rain, snow, not enough rain, hail, drought, and pestilence, caused poor harvests for years.  At last, ideal weather, along with better farming techniques, helped these refugees produce a great crop.

 

In the interim, many immigrants died from both starvation and diseases so, this bounty was true cause for celebration.

 

The Indians were patiently waiting for the Europeans to die so they could get their hands on those neat black coats and buckled hats, but alas.

 

To ingratiate themselves, and get the best fit of the clothing, they assisted the Pilgrims and Puritans by feeding them until sizes were perfect.

 

The Indians gathered turkeys and stuffing and mashed potatoes to help fatten-up the nasty white folks.  All worked well until this terrific harvest, when the homeboys no longer needed the Indians’ food.  That’s when the great massacre happened.

 

Known as the First Civil War, the ungrateful white folks tried to kill all the Indians and began naming all their football and baseball teams after them as a way to slur them.

 

This program worked so well that it took nearly 400 years to make things better for the last living Indian, Pocahontas.

 

Enlightened college students figured all this out and, driven by “white guilt” and “white privilege,” had begun campaigns to eliminate all sports teams with Indian names by 1633.

 

They even changed the name of Indians to “Native Americans.”  All seems to be working out well for them.

 

Pocahontas got her image on a coin.  Or was it Sacagawea?

 

In any case, the Europeans added an amendment to The Constitution to have everyone in America eat turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce for dinner, and sweet potato pie for dessert.

 

That same Amendment – the 38^th – requires football and basketball games to be played on that day.  And, it made Keno legal in 17 states.

 

In 1637, Macy’s decided to have a parade, and Santa Clause showed up to celebrate, too.

 

But in an ardent effort to include African-Americans in this strictly white holiday, the Pilgrims and Puritans invented Black Friday.

 

And everyone lived happily ever-after.

 

And that’s the truth.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!