Facts are good, except when
Democrats are speaking. No, this is not
a political column today; rather it is the truth with an analogy. Nonetheless, here are a few facts.
- Gale-force winds will appear when you try to sweep your sidewalk.
- Not a breath of air will blow if you attempt to fly a kite.
- You cannot lick your elbow.
- Someone will call when you are sitting on the toilet.
In that same vein, someone asked
me if I was going to see the new Star Wars movie. I told them it had been some time since I’ve
been in a theater, and it’s not because of armed patrons sitting next to me.
The last time I was in a movie
house was 1997, when I saw Batman, starring George Clooney.
Back then, the cinema was packed
and, as usual, someone jumped up in the middle of a tense scene as the villain
was creeping up behind Batman, and yelled, “Look out! He’s behind you!”
Yes, this person believed she
could warn Batman he was in danger. She
couldn’t. She did get the attention of
everyone else, though.
Before that, I would enter a
theater and scope out a good place to sit.
Stereo was coming into vogue and that was instrumental to a pleasurable movie
experience, to me.
I also needed a place where I
could see the screen fairly well. And
although I’m a spitting-image of Tom Selleck and built like him, I usually
found myself in a poor position.
Just as the upcoming trailers
were running, a giant cowboy with a 30 gallon hat would mosey over to the row
in front of me and settle into the seat directly in front of me. I’d be better off listening to the movie on
the radio.
Or a woman with one of those
queen-sized hairdos – the kind that would shame Carmen Miranda (look her up) – would plop her derriere
in my line-of-sight, rendering me blind to the screen.
Keep in mind this sort of bad
luck was not limited to movies. Seminars
at work, classes in school, and civic meetings were also subject to this sort
of artificial blinding.
Not unlike parking your car in a
lot, only to return to discover the Queen Elizabeth II docked right next to
you. You can’t back out because you
can’t see. As you ease your sedan into
the aisle in reverse, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. comes by at 210 MPH blowing his horn
to tell you he’s an assclown. But, I
digress.
My seat was rendered useless
because I was unable to see the screen to the overhead projector, missing the
important points of the entire exercise.
I would lean the left, the big coiffed woman would lean to the left; I
would lean to the right, and she would too.
The only way I could see around her
was to jump up and yell, “Look out! He’s
behind you!”
