A few years back, a woman was
burned by coffee at an Irish fast food establishment. It seems as though she was in the drive-thru
(that’s the lane outside the restaurant for skinny people that don’t need the
exercise to walk inside to retrieve their food.)
She cleverly placed the hot
beverage between her legs and promptly burned herself when the lid became
dislodged.
Rather than being laughed out of
court or shot for stupidity, the courts entertained her lawsuit. Soon it became clear the judge and all twelve
jurors were just as stupid as the plaintiff because amazingly she won
$24,000,000 for burn salve and more coffee.
This leads me to tell you about
an invitation I received to join a class-action lawsuit. Years ago my sainted wife and I bought cell
phones from a company that evidently overcharged us for the phones, service,
and ear thingy that resembles a hearing aid.
To remedy this legal misdeed, we
were told we could recoup our losses if we signed up to be party to this action. We did.
A few months later, rather than a
check for $200, we got a postcard good for 8% off our next phone purchase from
these rat bastards. We got screwed, not
the phone company.
While in the grocery store
yesterday, I was asked if I had my own bags.
I did not. Rather than schlepping
my goods to the car cradled in my arms like baby triplets, I was forced to buy
five bags.
Times were not far gone when you
were instead asked whether you’d like paper or plastic. Then, if you wanted paper, it would cost you
5¢ per bag. Instead of paying the extra
cash for recyclable paper ones, they merely forced plastic ones on you. Now, they charge for the plastic ones unless
you brought your own containers. Screwed
again.
Last summer when I bought four
tires, I was made to pay not only sales tax and federal excise tax, but also a
tire disposal fee. This fee amounted to
$2 per tire. Not excessive but, not
necessary, either. Screwed again.
So it was with interest that
while I was watching a golf game on TV, I noticed that a professional golfer
hit an errant ball into the throngs of spectators lining the fairway. This evidently inattentive fan was summarily
beaned by the ball. He was rushed to the
hospital for treatment and observation.
On the plus side, the offending
duffer gave him a signed golf glove to show his concern. I’m certain that was worth countless pennies
for that hospital bill. Screwed again.
As Aesop would say, the moral of
the story is: place boiling coffee between your legs if you want to get ahead
in life.
