Bully, Bully

President Theodore Roosevelt used “bully” as an adjective of commendation during his term in office from 1901 – 1909.

At the time I’m sure it was as fashionable as everyone using the word “amazing,” today.

Over the past ten years, or so, we’ve been hearing about something totally different, bullying.

Bullying is what some people or groups do to intimidate others for any reason including power, attention, compensation, and entertainment.

We heard the stories about school thugs who bully fellow students and goad them into fighting, cowering, or even committing suicide.

A national effort arose to make parents and teachers aware of the signs of bullying, along with possible solutions.  And it was mostly feel-good rather than substantive.

Kids still picked on others and parents showed how they condoned such behavior by even videotaping the acts of intimidation.

And now we are back to square one in the battle.

A goofy group named Black Lives Matter has been bullying presidential candidates on the campaign trail.  Everyone is afraid to condemn these characters because of the sacred racial aspect.

Enter Donald Trump, a candidate for Chief Executive, who has garnered nation-wide attention and admiration for his outspokenness and frankness.

It seems as though the college pukes in America who are anti-Trump are bullying other students by crying about how Mr. Trump exudes racism.  There are no details attached thereto, just an accusation.

A fraternity had made a symbolic wall on the Mexican border out of sandbags.  Black students trespassed on the fraternity’s property to disassemble that wall by throwing the sandbags into the street.  Evidently the black’s right to freedom of speech trumped the fraternity’s.

People who are being forced to quit smoking are threatened with job loss because of an addiction.  They are required to smoke outside because others feel their personal actions are detrimental or merely offensive.

And now the mere belief that global climate change is not real is subject to physical restraint and perhaps “re-education.”  That was a term used by the Soviets as an excuse to imprison citizens in Gulags, FYI.

All these are examples of bullying that affect everyone, not just children.  It seems as though the little school bullies grew up to bully the rest of us.

It is time to stop playing nice and tell the bullies to take a long walk off a short pier.

Busted

Just yesterday I was watching a television show called COPS.  It is one of the longest running shows on TV, and follows law enforcement folks on-the-job as they apprehend nefarious felons.

Every once in a while there is an episode that sticks out, I feel, because of the sheer stupidity of the criminals and their associated excuses for committing their illegal deeds.

Last night’s show was particularly entertaining as the police were attempting to stop a vehicle with no working tail lights.  It seems the driver was in a decided hurry to be elsewhere and didn’t stop when the police turned on their lights and siren,

As a public service from EasternShoreFishAndGame.com, when the police turn on their lights and siren, you are, by law, supposed to stop immediately.  You’re welcome.

The fleeing driver did not, and the pursuit began.

We learned throughout the pursuit that the vehicle-in-question was, in fact, stolen.

Upon crashing the car into an immovable tree, the fleeing retard began his escape attempt on foot.

Not being an athlete – likely as a result of his regular ingestion of crack cocaine – this future felon had some difficulty out running a policeman wearing fifty pounds of gear, and carrying 25-plus years of doughnuts on this feeble attempt at freedom.  By the way, the cameraman and audio guy nearly outran them all.

When captured a short distance later, the somewhat angry policeman handcuffed this turd and began the search for contraband.  A variety of debris was removed from pockets, including lint, some crack, and a handy utensil for smoking it.

Not smiling because of his unexpected workout, the cop seemed delighted these goodies were found on his prey.

The captured fellow expressed surprise that could win an Oscar when the illegal business was removed from his trousers.

“These ain’t my pants!” exclaimed the criminal, attempting to explain the drugs and drug pipe found in his immediate possession.

He claimed he bought the pants a day earlier and didn’t check to see if anything was in the pockets.

This afternoon my sainted wife caught a glimpse of the t-shirt I was wearing.

“Oh, my God!  Where did those spots come from?” she shouted.

Using my experience from COPS, I proudly announced, “It’s not my shirt.”

I could immediately tell that she knew that was not the truth, probably faster than the cop in yesterday’s episode.

She gave me that stare, and I tried to return it.  Nothing worked.

I took my lumps for being the messiest eater on The Shore.

Busted.

Timber! Kinda

   Some years I traveled in excess of 84,000 miles.  And in not once instance did a flight crew rush into the passenger compartment begging the passengers for help flying the plane.

For many years my life involved air travel for both business and vacations.

Even if they did, I’d have to decline out of sheer ignorance of knowing how to turn on the radio, much less lower the landing gear.  That is one job better left to professionals.

This is where this week’s story begins.

From the Land of Lincoln, I received a call from my sainted wife’s sister.  For Canadian readers, that’s Illinois, and my sister-in-law.  But, I digress.

It was a beautiful Sunday here when the phone rang.  My sister-in-law, let’s call her Diane, was whispering much like an announcer at the Master’s Tournament.  I could picture her with her hand over the phone mouthpiece, wearing gaudy argyle sweater and stupid golf cap.

Barely audible she said, “I wish you were here!’

I couldn’t imagine where this conversation was headed so I replied, “Likewise.”

Wondering if I owed her any money, she finally coughed up the real information.

“The neighbors are cutting down a tree,” she offered, still whispering.

In the background I could hear something akin to a garbage disposal.  It was a chainsaw.

 

“I’m whispering because I don’t want the neighbors to hear me,” was Diane’s excuse for the hush-hush tone.

I couldn’t understand how the neighbors could hear her when I was unable to.  But, I digress again.

Her play-by-play was thorough and concise.  Details such as one of the helpers had a rope in-hand trying to control the direction of fall of a 9,000 pound tree; he had a better chance of winning the Powerball.  Again, for our Canadian brethren, 9,000 pounds is almost as large as actor Alec Baldwin.

The chainsaw master made another incision into the trunk allowing the tree-in-question to deftly fall into another tree, causing it to becoming hopelessly wedged.

Over the years both Diane and I had the need for tree removal and immediately reached out to tree professionals and/or arborists.  The difference is arborists charge 1/3 more for advice and condolences on the tree they are about to cut but wish they could save.

In any case, this scenario lasted nearly all day with the tree coming out as the clear winner.

Immediate neighboring houses apparently had occupants somewhat edgy, with even Baptists drinking Scotch whisky to calm their nerves.

Diane and I likened this cost-saving exercise to having a doctor explain to you about your ready-to-burst appendix, announcing the cost to remove it would be $25,000.

Being super frugal, you decide to do the removal job yourself.  That’s probably not the road to travel, but less expensive by over $24,000.

By the way, the tree-felling exercise ended with the ersatz lumberjacks visually checking things out and finally giving up.

This is another job better left to professionals. 

What’s the Point?

As the old saying goes, “You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting______.”  You usually fill in the blank with something overly abundant.

In this case that dead cat would hit somebody making chicken and waffles, or shrimp and grits.

My sainted wife very much enjoys watching food and cooking shows, some of which involve competitions.  Cooks and chefs make signature dishes or family favorites in order to please judges.

It seems as though invariably, someone on each of these programs prepares one of those two dishes, and sometimes both.

I love good fried chicken, and my sainted wife makes some of the best.  I also enjoy a good waffle whose little waffle wells catch the syrup and melted butter preventing runoff.

But putting both together seems a bit messy if not altogether sacrilegious.

Chicken prepared for this dish contains bones thereby requiring the use of fingers to eat, while the waffles require at least a fork to get those sweet, sticky morsels to your mouth.  As a meal you are looking at a sloppy train wreck, at best.

On the other hand, shrimp and grits seem somewhat benign in comparison.  You have another southern staple consisting of gruel, I mean grits, and shrimp.

To the best of my knowledge, the only people who don’t eat shrimp are those with seafood allergies and folks who are too poor to buy them.

In any case, my sainted wife fancies herself as a grit connoisseur, if there is such a creature.  As the stories go, she was reared on grits and butter.

For any reader who has never had grits, they are akin to eating wet sand, much as you would find on the edge of the ocean – right where the waves lap up onto the beach.

Now all this sounded too much like punishment, similar to waterboarding.  Evidently, not to Southerners.

Very much like mixing chicken and waffles, and ammonia and bleach, shrimp and grits falls short of the promise of something touted as special.

Unfortunately, we attempted to replicate the shrimp and grits thing.  The shrimp was tasty, the grits were gritty.  I expected more but, that’s because I still believe in unicorns.

Now every time we see someone attempting to woo judges on any of those cooking shows, we grunt an “Ugghh!” in unison as a commentary and reaction to our flashback of our attempt.  And feeble it was.

Reinventing the wheel is fine if you can improve on something however, if you do something just to make it different, do us all a favor and don’t.

Smaller Than That

Once again I was suckered in to watching a television show I had no intention of watching.  Ever. Never.

 

This show is about people ardently searching for itsy bitsy houses and the angst their quest creates.

It seems today’s people aged 24 through 40, are looking to buy houses on-the-cheap because of too many astronomic bills that face them.  To get a cheap house, those houses need to be microscopic.

This one particular couple was recently married after graduating from college, and is now stuck with well into six-digit debt, likely well into their geriatric years.

Because a “normal” house, costing $150,000 to $300,000, would be out of the question, they opted to visit some hermit-like goof named Todd to construct an itsy bitsy house to suit their needs.

They visited a Quonset hut filled with carpentry tools to pour over plans conjured up by hashing out the difference between wants and needs; the line there is very slim, indeed.

Husband Biff loves to mountain climb, bike ride, read, and protest against traditional American values.  Muffy, on the other hand, enjoys reading, cooking, beekeeping, and raising chickens.  Yep.

Todd, with the deftness of a brain surgeon, patiently constructs the list to be used for drawing-out the architect phase of this one-hour program.

He begins by asking these pukes what they are willing to sacrifice to make this down-sized abode a reality.

“Nothing!” exclaims Biff.  “I sacrificed enough during my college years!”

Muffy adorably adds, “Likewise.  My best years have already been spent in classrooms and it’s time to explore the world.”

Todd’s number two pencil lays down lines over intersecting lines, altered with the benefit of a gum eraser to correct any possible faux pas before the actual construction begins.

Eventually, after another run of six commercials, we are at the point of catching a glimpse of this made-from-whole-cloth masterpiece.

A rectangular metal frame is the base for this box on wheels.  A frame, siding, roof, and a ladder are added to protect these two austere lives and provide access to their loft bedroom.

Biff is now down to fifty feet of rappelling rope and three t-shirts and two pairs of underwear.  Muffy is now stowing her athletic bra, two pairs of socks, and a scrunchie for her hair.

The deodorant and soap are now considered luxuries, as is toilet paper, for their bathroom that doubles as a chicken coop.

Bicycles hang off the porch, and the beehives are now a thing of the past.  So much for fresh honey.

In any case, this 400 square foot house cost only a small fraction of what a real house costs, and it has wheels.  This way Biff and Muffy can travel anywhere they want, when they want.

It’s not as though they have jobs to do.  Perhaps they could have bought a travel trailer with more space that cost less.  This is the future of America.

You Be the Judge

Because I read the newspaper each day I see things that non-readers don’t.  And, I pay attention to things within those news items that most other folks overlook.

So it was with interest that I read an Associated Press article about a shooting in Mason County, Washington, on Friday, February 26, 2016. 

It seems as though another nut case with a gun wreaked havoc by senselessly killing his wife and two teenaged sons, along with another yet-identified person.  But before police could take this sicko into custody, he took the coward’s route by killing himself.

These types of stories are so common that they rarely garner much interest any longer.  The interesting part in all this, though, was the killer’s name: David Wayne Campbell.

If you don’t recognize that name, don’t feel bad; I didn’t either.  What caught my interest was this miscreant’s middle name, Wayne.

Over time I recall seeing story upon story about crimes committed by guys with the middle name Wayne.

This is where my quest began.

Apparently a fellow named Chuck Shepherd of News of the Weird thought so, too.  In the 1990’s, Shepherd began compiling a list of criminals with the middle name Wayne, and came to these possible conclusions from Wikipedia:

1. the controversial "affirmative hypothesis" of a strong correlation between the sociocultural preference for the middle name and the sociocultural toleration or encouragement of criminal behavior,
2. the "null hypothesis" of a strong correlation between sociocultural preference for the middle name and other factors (such as poverty) that independently necessitate or prompt criminal behavior, and/or
3. the "affirmative hypothesis" of causation in the opposite direction, most notably a strong sociocultural bias on the part of juries/judges either against the name itself or against at least one group that exhibits a strong sociocultural preference for the middle name.

In other words, no one has any idea what this drivel means – even the goof who penned it.

On the other hand, I stumbled upon a list compiled on 2007, which is nine years old.  This list came from Shepherd’s own News of the Weird column.

Herewith is the list, as of News of the Weird M047, March 2, 2008 (*deceased):

[This list of names is (as with everything else on NewsoftheWeird.com) copyrighted by Chuck Shepherd, with All Rights Reserved]

Michael Wayne Adams (Virginia)
Timothy Wayne Adams (Texas)
Shannon Wayne Agofsky (Texas)
Thomas Wayne Akers (North Carolina)
Matthew Wayne Almand (Florida)
Stephen Wayne Anderson (California)*
Joshua Wayne Andrews (Virginia)
David Wayne Arisman (California)
Dennis Wayne Bagwell (Texas)*
Timothy Wayne Barnett (Alabama)
Michael Wayne Baxter (Maryland)*
Kenneth Wayne Beck (Missouri)
Gerald Wayne Bivins (Indiana)
John Wayne Blair (Tennessee)
Scott Wayne Blystone (Pennsylvania)
Donald Wayne Booth (Texas)
Elvis Wayne Botley (California)
Steven Wayne Bowman (South Carolina)
Larry Wayne Brigman (Minnesota)
Ricky Wayne Brown (Florida)
Michael Wayne Brown (Oklahoma)
Michael Wayne Brunner (Kentucky)
Edward Wayne Bryant (Oklahoma)
Dennis Wayne Bryant (Virginia)
Estell Wayne Buck (Ohio)
Bradley Wayne Cagle (Texas)
Curtis Wayne Campbell (Oklahoma)
Seth Wayne Campbell (Texas)
Darren Wayne Campbell (Oregon)
Mark Wayne Campmire (Connecticut)
Michael Wayne Carter (Indiana)
Rodger Wayne Chastain (California)*
Douglas Wayne Clark (Texas)
Ronald Wayne Clark, Jr. (Florida)
Darryl Wayne Claughton (Alberta)
Ira Wayne Cloninger (Virginia)
Timothy Wayne Coalson (Georgia)
Kevin Wayne Coffey (Texas)
David Wayne Cole (Pennsylvania)
Michael Wayne Cole (North Carolina)
Timothy Wayne Condrey (North Carolina)
Joseph Wayne Cook (North Carolina)
Billy Wayne Cope (South Carolina)
Alvin Wayne Crane (Texas)*
David Wayne Crews (Tennessee)
Donald Wayne Darling II (Alabama)
Christopher Wayne Davis (Louisiana)
Gary Wayne Davis (Kentucky)
Jerry Wayne Dean (Kentucky)
Aryan Wayne Duntley (California)
John Wayne Duvall (Oklahoma)*
Dennis Wayne Eaton (Virginia)*
Dale Wayne Eaton (Colorado)
Timothy Wayne Ebert (Texas)
Michael Wayne Eggers (Alabama)
Gary Wayne Etheridge (Texas)
Michael Wayne Farmer (Maryland)
Ellis Wayne Felker (Georgia)*
Darrell Wayne Ferguson (Ohio)*
Matthew Wayne Ferman (Ohio)
Lewis Wayne Fielder Jr. (South Carolina)
Michael Wayne Fisher (Pennsylvania)
Earl Wayne Flowers (North Carolina)
Terry Wayne Freeman (Illinois)
Percy Wayne Froman (Alabama)
Ronald Wayne Frye (North Carolina)*
John Wayne Glover (Australia)*
Richard Wayne Godwin (Oregon)
Arthur Wayne Goodman, Jr. (Texas)
Richard Wayne Gorrie (New Zealand)
Jeffrey Wayne Gorton (Michigan)
Keith Wayne Graham (California)
Coleman Wayne Gray (Virginia)*
Charles Wayne Green (Arkansas)
Kenneth Wayne Gregory (Florida)
Christopher Wayne Gregory (Texas)
Ralph Wayne Grimes (Kentucky)
Anthony Wayne Grimm (Illinois)
Randall Wayne Hafdahl (Texas)*
Conan Wayne Hale (Oregon)
Kenneth Wayne Hall Sr. (South Carolina)
Michael Wayne Hall (Texas)
Steven Wayne Hall (Alabama)
Bradley Wayne Hamrick (Washington)
Jerald Wayne Harjo (Oklahoma)*
Emmanuel Wayne Harris (Arizona)
Robert Wayne Harris (Texas)
Nathaniel Wayne Hart (Texas)
Jerald Wayne Harvel II (Oklahoma)
Mark Wayne Hauseur (California)
Billy Wayne Hayes (Tennessee)
Carl Wayne Heath (Maine)
Brandon Wayne Hedrick (Virginia)
Michael Wayne Henry (Texas)
Rodney Wayne Henry (Kansas)
David Wayne Hickman (Texas)
Donald Wayne Holt (Maryland)
Jeremy Wayne Hopkins (Texas)
Bryant Wayne Howard (Oregon)
Christopher Wayne Hudson (Australia)
Calvin Wayne Inman (Texas)
Derek Wayne Jackson (Pennsylvania)
Kenneth Wayne Jackson (Texas)
Eric Wayne Jacobs (California)*
Allen Wayne Jenecka (Texas)*
Mark Wayne Jennings (Virginia)
Robert Wayne Jiles (New York)
Timothy Wayne Johnson (North Carolina)
Terry Wayne Johnson (Florida)
Jason Wayne Johnson (Texas)
Mark Wayne Jones (Ohio)
Tyler Wayne Justice (Texas)
Kenneth Wayne Keller (Texas)
Gary Wayne Kleypas (Kansas)
Bruce Wayne Koenig (Maryland)
Derrick Wayne Kualapai, Sr. (California)
Dudley Wayne Kyzer (Alabama)
Ronald Wayne Lail (North Carolina)
Monty Wayne Lamb (Texas)
Robert Wayne Lambert (Oklahoma)
Jonathan Wayne Larrabee (South Dakota)
Jeffrey Wayne Leaf (Oklahoma)
Bobby Wayne Ledbetter (Alabama)
Darrell Wayne Lewis (Arizona)
John Wayne Lewis (Oklahoma)
Christopher Wayne Lippard (North Carolina)
Kenny Wayne Lockwood (Texas)*
Mark Wayne Lomax (Texas)
Christopher Wayne Luttrell (Kentucky)
Darrell Wayne Maness (North Carolina)
Shelly Wayne Martin (Maryland)
Donald Wayne Martin (Texas)*
Randall Wayne Mays (Texas)
Steven Wayne McBride (Minnesota)
George Wayne McBroom (Arizona)
David Wayne McCall (Texas)
Rocky Wayne McGowan (Kentucky)
Robert Wayne McMillion (Florida)
Jason Wayne McVean (Colorado)
David Wayne Mears (Michigan)
Wesley Wayne Miller (Texas)
Jimmy Wayne Miller (Texas)
Don Wayne Moody (Texas)*
John Wayne Moore, Jr. (Missouri)
John Wayne Moses (North Carolina)
Dustin Wayne Nall (Texas)
Jack Wayne Napier (Kentucky)
Michael Wayne Nelson (Florida)
David Wayne Nelson (Alaska)*
Oral Wayne Nobles (Massachusetts)
Danny Wayne Owens (Alabama)
Bryan Wayne Padd (Arizona)
David Wayne Pallister (England)
Jeffrey Wayne Paschall (Utah)
John Wayne Peck (Virginia)
Douglas Wayne Pepper (North Carolina)
Michael Wayne Perry (Tennessee)
Jason Wayne Petershagen (Texas)
Michael Wayne Poe (Tennessee)
Curtis Wayne Pope (Texas)
Bruce Wayne Potts (Texas)
Lonnie Wayne Pursley (Texas)*
Donald Wayne Rainey (Mexico)
Gary Wayne Ray Jr. (Oklahoma)
Earl Wayne Reynolds (Virginia)
Michael Wayne Richard (Texas)*
Randy Wayne Richards (Canada)
Barry Wayne Riley (British Columbia)
Robert Wayne Rotramel (Oklahoma)
Roy Wayne Russell (Washington)
David Wayne Satterfield (Texas)
Christopher Wayne Scarber (Kentucky)
Patrick Wayne Schroeder (Nebraska)
Randy Wayne Seal (Florida)
Michael Wayne Sears (Virginia)
Timothy Wayne Shepherd (Texas)
Kenith Wayne Sherrill (Washington)
Donald Wayne Shipe (Virginia)
Dallas Wayne Shults (Tennessee)
Mark Wayne Silvers (South Carolina)
Daryl Wayne Smith (West Virginia)
Justin Wayne Smith (Texas)
David Wayne Smith (Virginia)
Richard Wayne Smith (Texas)*
Richard Wayne Snell (Arkansas)*
Ronald Wayne Spencer Jr. (Texas)
Richard Wayne Spicknall (Alabama)
Jerrell Wayne Stanley (Texas)
Randall Wayne Stevens (Illinois)
John Wayne Stockdall (Missouri)
Michael Wayne Summers (Missouri)
John Wayne Surratt Jr. (North Carolina)
Gary Wayne Sutton (Tennessee)
Bobby Wayne Swisher (Virginia)*
Charles Wayne Thomas Jr. (Texas)
Reginald Wayne Thomas (Texas)
Michael Wayne Thompson (Indiana)
John Wayne Thomson (Washington)
Andrew Wayne Toler (Texas)
Robert Wayne Vickers (Arizona)*
Russell Wayne Wagner (Maryland)*
Billy Wayne Waldrop (Alabama)*
Jerry Wayne Walker (Kentucky)
Anthony Wayne Walker (Ohio)
Jessie Wayne Walker (North Carolina)
Chadwick Wayne Wallace (Illinois)
Daniel Wayne Warfield (Virginia)
John Wayne Warrener (Colorado)
Alexander Wayne Watson Jr. (Maryland)
Louis Wayne Watters, Jr. (Texas)
Anthony Wayne Welch (Florida)
Coy Wayne Wesbrook (Texas)
Melvin Wayne White (Texas)*
Larry Wayne White (Texas)*
Timothy Wayne Widman (Pennsylvania)
Michael Wayne Williams (Virginia)
Richard Wayne Willoughby (Maryland)
Kenneth Wayne Woodfin (Virginia)
Bobby Wayne Woods (Texas)
William Wayne Wright (Texas)
Darrell Wayne Wright (Texas)
Jerry Wayne Wright (Tennessee)
Robert Wayne Wyant (Virginia)

What do you think?  See you next week.

Proud Parents

As a kid in school I was taught many things as gospel that later turned out to be absolutely false.

There are not nine planets, you will succeed with hard work, and survival of the fittest, are a few of those fallacies.

In case you missed it, astronomers decided Pluto was too small to be called a planet so, it was de-planetized.  In order to succeed, you merely need a good story and lack of personal responsibility to collect free food, housing, and cell phones.  And, survival of the fittest is not at all true; simply re-read the previous sentence.

Since the 1980’s, it was realized that California condors were not the ideal parents for which scientists had hoped.  At one point the estimated number remaining in the wild numbered 22.  All were captured and reared by humans.

You see, scientists placed sock puppets on their hands to mimic California condor mommies and daddies.  They would then feed the baby condors with meat, and conduct condor activities with the young’uns until they were capable of flying away to make their own baby California condors.  What could possibly go wrong?

This stellar idea was eventually proved stupid – even for a government program – after the birds that were released returned to the scientists’ homes for more raw meat and possibly bedtime stories.

Annual visits were noted with one scientist actually having his remote house burglarized by a flock of puppet-raised condors.  It seems as though eight of these feathered felons tore a hole in his screen door while he was out hiking.  Upon return, this scientist found his mattress shredded and one bird walking around with the brainiac’s underwear in its beak.  No lie.

Not to be outdone, the People’s Republic of Maryland has a program to similarly raise whooping crane chicks.  Yep, your tax dollars at work.

Scientists wearing white whooping crane costumes dressed themselves, and other researchers with no pride, before flying ultralight aircraft from Wisconsin to Florida.  This endeavor was an effort to build a migratory population of whooping cranes.

Fast forward 15 years.  This eastern population has grown to – drum roll, please – 100 birds, but with only 10 fledged chicks.  The St. Mark’s National Wildlife Refuge in northern Florida feel the culprit in this failed boondoggle, er, program was the fact that the cleverly disguised scientists were too involved in teaching the cranes how to survive in the wild.  Yep, too much teaching of how to survive.

The whooping crane scientists, and I’ll wager the California condor puppet parents, are helping gin-up good stories and coaching the birds about ways to get the government to give the fowl free food, housing, and cell phones.

I’m just saying…