Let There Be Lights

Every Spring I work on my decades-old rituals for clearing the yard of countless fallen late autumn leaves, winter sticks, general debris, and last year’s flower remains.  This rejuvenation program has become a habit for me and during this annual ritual I always recall a new added element from years ago.

 

It was sometime back in the 1980’s when I first noticed something called Malibu Lights.  I wasn’t sure if Malibu Lights was a brand name or a generic catch-all.  You know what I mean – facial tissues have become Kleenex, vacuum cleaners are now Hoovers, and decaffeinated coffee is Sanka.  But I digress.

 

In any case, Malibu Lights are garden and outdoor illumination for people with too much time and money.  They came in kits, or individually, and required both planning and assembly.

 

On the cheesy Miami Vice television show, most of the drug dealer’s homes were landscaped with Malibu Lights.  And although I’m not a drug dealer, I found these lights attractive in adding a modicum of finish and style to your home.

 

I bought a kit that contained a copious amount of wire, varying connectors, an assortment of plastic pieces of light fixtures, a transformer, light bulbs, and instructions.

Tasteful and stylish exterior illumination

 

As you may have guessed, the wired needed to be buried in the ground lest the lawnmower quickly gather it back up during each cutting.  Shovels, spades, rakes, and grass seed now became part of the equation.

 

The transformer required mounting on a wall to avoid water contact, as well.  A drill, bits, measuring tape, and masonry anchors were also standing by at-the-ready.

 

My sainted wife helped by dutifully tucking the wire in the trench I was making with the sod shovel.  And so the procedure went, methodically, until all ten lights were attached to form a modest show of elegance where little had been before.

 

After dark we poured some inexpensive champagne-like beverage for celebratory toast to our accomplishment.  The Malibu Lights, with the benefit of the built-in time, turned on at exactly the prescribed time.  And the glasses clinked triumphantly.

 

It all seemed so sophisticated, civilized, to have lights showcasing special shrubs and plants and fresh landscaping details.  And it was with great pride that I would exit my home every morning to retrieve the delivered newspaper and smile at the simple elegance these Malibu Lights added.  All was well.

 

All was well until the small 4 watt bulbs began to burn out, that is.  As if looking at the marquee of a seedy theater, one-by-one the bayonet-style bulbs began a seemingly planned mass suicide.

 

I bought replacement bulbs at some of the big box stores.  Then I bought more bulbs at the local hardware establishment.  I began ordering them on-line when my local suppliers were dry.

 

It wasn’t long before I realized how drug addicts felt, desperately searching for their next fix, only my addiction was for Malibu Light bulbs.  I was ashamed and ready for rehab.

 

Although these black plastic lights still retained their perfectly upright stature, it was difficult, at best, to keep up with what some would think as simple maintenance; however, some would be wrong.

 

In the end I depleted the nation’s supply of Malibu Lights bulbs.  Now only three of the ten original lights were illuminated.  A quick interweb search for the Malibu Lights Company revealed they had gone out of business in 2017.  Perhaps they realized there was a critical 4 watt light bulb shortage.

 

Eventually I conceded to defeat and removed all the lights, wires, transformer, and pride from my life.

 

My sainted wife and I sold that house and moved elsewhere – somewhere with less maintenance, better weather, a reduced amount of traffic, and less expensive housing.  This time, though, I was well over the itch to illuminate anything that wasn’t necessary.

 

This is what is called a “lesson learned.”  Unfortunately, I stumbled upon something called “solar lights,” in a neighborhood department store.  These gems were self-contained plastic structures containing everything Malibu Lights offered, but without  annoying wires or bulbs requiring regular replacement.

 

They came in various shapes, sizes, and colors, and the bulbs – actually they are Light Emitting Diodes (LED) – never need replacing!  What could possibly go wrong?

 

It seems as though these ‘forever’ solar lights have rechargeable batteries that really aren’t.  They appear to have a death wish much like Malibu Lights’ 4 watt bulbs.  Alas.

 

Here’s some free advice: I see a pattern developing.  It would behoove you to begin cornering the world-wide market on rechargeable batteries.  And let there be lights.