Mistletoe and Beer Nuts

Outdoor decorating for us for Christmas began a few days before Thanksgiving Day.  My sainted wife dutifully unpacked the spare bedroom closet, jam packed with boxes of cheesy regalia to include colorful lights, a manger scene, and an aluminum tree.

Smokey the Cat was mesmerized to see all this stuff come out, once again, for no apparent reason.  Alas, he doesn’t realize this is to acknowledge and celebrate the birth of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Still, year after year we follow tradition to satisfy our religious fervor and our fondest childhood memories.

And every year, my doctors, of whom I have an entire stable full, make sure my appointments fall during the busiest time of the year – that merry time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.

Rushing hither and yon to have blood drawn only adds to the holiday merriment.  Appointments to see my general practitioner
(GP) and three specialists demand precision scheduling that rivals NASA launches.

This year, though, I headed to see my GP to get a semi-annual berating about my weight, and prescription refills.  But on this visit I brought an ailment for diagnosis I thought was gout.

Gout is known as the “Disease of kings,” because it is usually brought on by eating rich foods.  It seems as though rich foods cause urea acid to settle in the joints of your big toes.  You should be thankful I’m not going to go into a medical interpretation.

Yet, my doctor was anxious to give me his regular tongue-lashing about diet and exercise, and I was hoping he would skip the much-awaited prostate exam.

We chatted about life, family, politics, and refills, to eventually reach the remove-your-shoes-and-socks portion of the visit.

He asked me about what I was hoping to get for Christmas, as I removed my cordovan penny loafers and white athletic socks.

I explained to him that just recently I had rediscovered something called “beer nuts.”

A quick glance in his direction and I could imagine him straining to remember what would cause an ailment of beer nuts, from his medical school days.

Beer nuts, for the record, are salty/sweet peanuts that make you thirsty and so, require you to drink more beer.  Usually found in bars – go figure – they are a true patron’s favorite when it comes to the food pyramid.

Evidently my doctor, unlike myself, spent much of his college years in schools and libraries; he watched me as though I had grasshoppers emerging from my nostrils, as I told this story with gusto.

A few years ago I had participated in a nutrition class that insisted I consume at least one portion of legumes per day.  It was a win-win for me.

He finally asked where he could get some; the definitive answer was, “A bar.”

I explained they sold them in the snack aisle of most grocery stores as well.  He took out a pen and wrote something down.  I’m hoping it was “beer nuts,” and not psychiatric referral.  But I digress.

In any case, I needed to ask an obvious question of him:  Why wasn’t he wearing that chrome thing attached to a rubberband, around his head?

He chuckled and said nobody wears those any more.

Then finally, he gave me the gout verdict.

He said it wasn’t gout after all.  It just so happened I was developing an acute case of Christmas mistle-toe.

Here’s wishing everyone their own special Merry Christmas with their own mistle-toe and beer nuts!