Random Thoughts V

Time has arrived for more astute observations from yours truly.  Indeed, the vodka was flowing freely as were the ever-popular random thoughts.  This is the fifth iteration, indicated by the Roman numeral “V”, which is representative for 5.  Think of the Superbowl numbering.

• Why are there so few Episcopalian suicide bombers?
• Where is Colin Kaepernick working these days?  Want fries with that burger?
• Corvettes shouldn’t be that expensive.  They’ve been made since 1953, after all.
• I wish toilet paper was stronger.
• What makes all the stuff in the back of the fridge turn blue?
• Does the deaf guy select the background music for Walmart?
• I really hate mimes.
• If dolphins are so smart, why can’t they invent scissors to cut themselves out of fishing nets?
• There are so many stupid people in the world.
• The word “racist” now means “You disagree with me.”
• They put a computer and 1000 songs inside my cell phone; how about inventing a watch battery that lasts more than a year?
• Isn’t St. Valentine’s Day a religious holiday?  How about that separation of church and state?
• Let’s not forget about Christmas.
• College grads are unable to find jobs.  How’s that Master’s degree in 17^th Century English Poets working out for you?
• It would appear as though Maxine Waters is off her meds again.
• My wife just got ‘carded’ at the wine store; she’s not in high school, either.
• I nearly won the $400,000,000 Powerball!  I just missed by six numbers.
• The garage wanted to “rotate tires” on my truck.  I told them they rotate themselves when I drive.  Thanks anyway.
• Most politicians had better be sprucing up their résumés.  There’s another election right around the corner.
• Why isn’t Hillary Clinton in a federal prison?
• The mainstream media never heard of Donna Brazil.
• The mainstream media is like an LP record skip with the words “Russian collusion.”
• Didn’t Eric Holder illegally send assault weapons to Mexican drug lords and gangs?  But that’s not collusion.
• Winter is too cold.
• Street thugs are cowards for using guns.  How about a good fist fight to settle a score?
• Nothing says ‘I want this job’ like a giant spider tattoo climbing out of your shirt collar.
• Please note:  Nose rings and eyebrow studs are just a bonus.
• You want $15 and hour for screwing up my order at some fast food joint?
• I’d spit in YOUR food for only $4 and hour.
• Is Saab still in business?
• Shhh!  If you listen, you can hear the death knell for Sears and Kmart.  RIP.
• Summer is too hot.
• Are there enough letters In LGBTQ?  And what does the “Q” stand for?  I thought that word was offensive.
• Do they make bandage strips for black people?
• I used to hate Mondays when I was working.  And I used to love Fridays.
• Now, everyday is the same.  No stress.
• Gas is cheap everywhere in America except for the Eastern Shore.  Why?
• Are figs on the ‘endangered species’ list?  Why are they so expensive?
• Fox News Channel is on the road to self-destruction.  They changed the best of their lineup to likely commit suicide.
• God bless President Donald Trump!

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