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Monday, December 28, 2015

Stop The Presses!


In case you think all news these days is bad, you’ve got quite a surprise coming.



People cannot afford houses, the government is $18,000,000,000,000 in debt, there have been 58,000,000 abortions in America since 1973, the average household debt amount is $15,706, over 1,000,000 kids drop out of school each year, and Caitlin Jenner still has her “junk.”  Yet, there is good news.



With all the debt, disease, crime, death, illegal immigration, terrorism, voter fraud, and nuclear proliferation by Third World assclowns, the United States has directed its attention to something positive.



Soon, Alexander Hamilton will be no more.



If you said to yourself, “Who is Alexander Hamilton?” you are likely one of those school dropouts, or too poor to have cash.



Mr. Hamilton, Not Oprah
Mr. Hamilton was one of the Founding Fathers, helped write the Constitution, and was the United States Secretary of Treasury.  His image can be located on the ten dollar bill – for the next few days, anyway.



It seems as though some progressives feel it is time for a woman to be placed on some folding U.S. currency.



Sure, Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Warren – er, Sacagawea appear on coins, and Pocahontas and Martha Washington were once featured on paper money.  But, we need to address real issues facing all citizens that can ease the burden of life under President Barack Hussein Obama.



The solution was obvious: place a woman’s image on paper money and all our woes will disappear.



A poll was conducted and several women were considered.  These accomplished females included Rosa Parks, Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Oprah Winfrey.



In the lead as of this writing is Harriet Tubman.  Ms. Tubman was a slave until she was manumitted at age 45.  Her legacy is storied and depicts a brave, strong woman, especially through her time as a spy for the Union Army during the Civil War.



Over 600,000 people voted for her, with Katie Couric coming in at a close second with nine votes.  Congrats to all women and Caitlin.



Finally and sadly, Susan B. Anthony was disqualified because “she’s just that woman on the dollar coin.”



My money is on Taylor Swift, though.



I told you the news was good.