Three months ago I, along with
countless other dupes, made a New Year’s resolution. My resolution was to diet, exercise, and get
healthier.
I’m proud to announce that after
68 solid days of regimented living I have lost a total of – drum roll, please –
2 pounds!
This health marathon did not
begin January 1st. Rather, it
began decades ago when my clothes started shrinking. Actually, they remained the same, I was
simply growing.
To stave off serious illness
later in life I began eating “lite” foods.
After a few years of that I began eating less lite. There has been no alcohol in the form of
beer, liquor, wine, or even flambé dishes.
The result was being a fat guy
who didn’t drink. That’s even less fun
than being just a fat guy.
In any case, my doctor decided to
send me to a dietician. There I
collected papers, menus, and sage advice from both the dietician and the other
participants. I should have known better
since my fellow dieters had been attending this diet clinic for years, and
still they were 80 pounds heavier than I.
My dietician put me on a 1200
calorie per day diet. If you don’t know
how much 1200 calories is, stop by my house and look in Smokey the Cat’s
bowl. That is 1400 calories.
I’m bringing this up now because
I have a doctor’s office visit scheduled for this week and am prepared to duke
it out. You see, I gained 14 pounds on
my diet since my last doctor visit.
This past year I changed my diet
to be even healthier. I grew my own
veggies and fruits, and I know that they are all organic because I know what I
put in and around them.
My doctor was talking to me about
lettuce I grew and asked me if I got any.
I told him no, because I was too busy growing lettuce to get any. He didn’t think that was funny.
But I got my blood test results
back and they look pretty good considering I have one foot in the grave and the
other on a banana peel.
Of course my doctor won’t let me
die until I reconcile all my bills.
For all you spindly folks reading
this, keep in mind I have a metabolic imbalance –through no fault of my own - that
is being re-balanced through pharmaceuticals.
Nonetheless, the antics and gyrations that are being performed are
tenuous and un-fun.
And until I drop another 78
pounds, I’ll be the guy no losing weight on a diet.
