It’s Called What?

As a child, I remember one project that my father was working on in our home.  My Dad had an entire workshop in the basement with his tools neatly placed in labeled drawers or hung upon pegboards, all polished and sharp.

 

But because we lived in a second-floor flat, the trek to retrieve a simple screwdriver was a job in and of itself.  Dad kept a few regularly-used tools in a Maxwell House coffee can in our pantry.  Therein were some loose nails and various screws, an awl, pliers, adjustable wrench, and a couple of screw drivers.  Lying nearby was a hammer, as it was too large to fit inside.

 

This quick and easy project required only the use of this ersatz tool kit, and I was the gofer.

 

I was a five year-old told to fetch a “Phillips” screwdriver.  I went to the coffee can and brought back a screwdriver, albeit a wrong one.

 

I promptly received a thorough lesson on the difference between flat point and Phillips screwdrivers.

 

It seems as though back in the day, most people used a flat point screwdriver for their screwing needs.  Being a novice, I didn’t know that Mr. Phillips didn’t invent the flat point screwdriver as well as the one with the “x” tip.  Nonetheless, I was made aware.

 

Yesterday, I visited a local hardware store and needed fourteen #10, 1½” long screws with Phillips heads.  I handed my list to the clerk who asked if I wanted “cross point” screws.

 

After spinning nine revolutions, I was able to stop my head from unscrewing and falling off altogether.

 

This pimply-faced turd was a lot older than I was when I got the lecture on the difference between and betwixt screwdriver types.  It was about time he was schooled, and by someone like me.

 

“Yeah, Phillips screws,” I said.

 

“We call ‘em cross points, now,” he retorted.

 

I wasn’t nearly as good at lecturing as Dad was so, I gave up.  The turd won.

 

The trip home was filled with thoughts of other name changes.  Immediately, Christmas came to mind.

 

Do-gooders in Pittsburgh changed Christmas to “Sparkle Days,” so as not offend anyone except Christians.  And, Buttinski’s in Arlington, Virginia changed Christmas to “Winter Holiday,” to honor Hanukkah.

 

Feminists have urged the use of “gingerbread figures,” rather than the uber-offensive “gingerbread men.”  No immediate word on “snowmen” or “man-hole covers.”

 

Still, I will always refer to screws with little x’s on the top as Phillips screws, and Christmas as Christmas.

 

Let’s offend everyone by wishing everyone “Merry Christmas!”  Merry Sparkle Days doesn’t have the same ring.