It came to me in a dream, and
this is one of my best ideas ever. Since
times are financially tight, I would take up a cause du jour, and then “go
shopping.”
Allow me to explain. Simply find a reason to do something –
anything.
As a kid we all heard those
excuses in school, such as “my dog ate my homework,” “I was too sick to lift a
pencil,” and “my mother’s meth lab blew up.”
That’s bad behavior we learned from attending school.
Well, we now have a way to not
only behave badly, but also get stuff while doing so.
Peruse the news and select a
story that is rather mundane except for that odd dog-bites-man twist. It can be about same-sex marriages, or an
unexpected death, but it has to be something that is local and can be imagined
nationally.
It is imperative that you are
able to feign outrage, and it would be good to have the ability to manufacture
“facts” about your chose event, out of thin air.
Now simply text your friends and
associates, and tell them about this selected injustice you’ve opted for. Using social media is a plus as it will find its
way to all the losers who don’t have, or want, jobs.
At this point you will want to
direct all your 300 closest friends and former cellmates to gather somewhere
very public.
Have them bring legible signs or
cardboard. Be certain to have someone
who can spell waiting with a magic marker, and someone with clever sayings show
up, too.
Imagine if everyone brought 50-or
so buddies, Molotov cocktails, matches, ski masks, and baseball paraphernalia
in the form of bats.
Soon, the police will arrive as
they are pretty curious folks. A
megaphone would be useful to begin the crowd chanting, “No justice, no
peace.” It could be, “No cold ice, no peas,”
too. Either one is pretty catchy. For
future reference, “Hey, hey, ho, ho, [fill-in-the-blank] has got to go,” is
always a crown pleaser.
In any case, as the throngs grow
and noise escalates, keep your fingers crossed for some tear gas to be
dispensed by the police.
It is at this point you and your
comrades should throw your Molotov cocktails, and run in varying directions.
This is where that sports
equipment comes in handy. Breaking into
businesses to get fifteen pairs of size 7 EEE sneakers, or three magnesium car
wheels is the crux of this brilliant plan.
Of course entering a smoldering
beauty supply to get away with nine bottles of hair gel or a couple of jugs of
that blue juice they put combs in, is an opportunity that should not go wasted.
I can’t stress enough that it is
imperative to plan the “shopping,” well.
Your protest needs to begin near your favorite merchants. Remember that display cell phones in those
wireless stores always make great Christmas gifts, as do 22 pairs of the
wrong-size jeans.
Sure, other non-progressives
might call this behavior “looting.” I
call it “justice for peace.” A rose by
any other word is still a rose.
