This year marks a true milestone for me. Fifty years ago I began my diet, in earnest, and am proud to announce I lost – drum roll, please – nine pounds! Such a feat deserves a reward in the form of a glass of ice water.
Although I’m a spitting image of Tom Selleck, my annoying doctor feels I need to lose another 91 pounds, which would give me the advantage of stealth when hiding behind a piece of rope.
To accomplish this weight loss coup I foolishly began scrutinizing those oh, so important nutrition labels on packages. What I found was astonishing, to say the least.
It’s hard to believe a pecan pie has 180 grams of fat and 38 grams of sugar, per slice. Immediately, my attention was diverted toward those “sugar-free” pies. Those contain only 176 grams of fat and 34 grams of sugar, per slice. Not the win-win situation for which I was hoping.
Reading diet books made me direct my hunger-beater toward popcorn. Regular, dry, unsalted popcorn contains almost no fat but, tastes like filling from a ruptured bean bag chair. I know; I’ve tried it. So, my next great idea was to try buttered microwave popcorn with salt. Unfortunately, the nutrition data for microwave popcorn bags must be multiplied by three as those numbers reflect three servings. Again, a surprise for which I was not prepared.
Some diet drinks are labeled similarly with servings measured in thimbles. Snacks, such as potato sticks are more conveniently measured in actual numbers. One serving is 18 sticks. For the record, Smokey the Cat can, and has, eaten 27 sticks. It is convenient to be able to eat and play Jenga, though.
But in the course of my travels while telling my tales of woe, I have met very helpful folks who appear to be Ethiopian refugees willing to offer healthy eating advice.
“I eat lots of beans. They’re full of protein,” say these well-meaning single folks. They’re single because they consume lots of beans which digest into lots of methane gas and don’t have time to date as they literally reside in the bathroom. Hence their single status.
“Rice cakes fill me up!” is another heap of advice. They may as well have offered me used paper towels as a snack.
“Soy and tofu burgers are delicious!” is another lie. The Geneva Conventions prohibit feeding prisoners-of-war stuff like that.
And then I found an energy drink that allegedly provides vim to cover five hours of a day. It contains no sugar, no calories, no carbs, no kidding. But, the labels do indicate they are loaded with vitamins B6 an B12 in daily percentage allowable amounts of 2000 and 8333%, respectively.
Not being a nutritionist, I don’t know what the side effects of vitamin B6 and B12 overdoses are. So, I’ll stick to my breakfast, lunch, and dinner of drinking diet water with low calorie ice cubes while watching Smokey eat his kibble.
