My life is chock full of ‘good
news, bad news’ scenarios.
An example of good news, bad
news, goes thusly: Bad news – doctors had to amputate both your legs; Good news
– your roommate is interested in buying your bedroom slippers.
Two-weeks ago I received a
voicemail message from someone named Agent Hobart, who couldn’t speak
English. He claimed to be working for
the Internal Revenue Service, and I was being contacted because I was
delinquent in my payment to the IRS.
I couldn’t see how that could
happen because I pay a certified public accountant to do my taxes, and those
tax dollars I owe are remitted quarterly.
Nonetheless, I continued to
listen with bated breath.
The caller insisted I purchase,
and send, an ITunes gift card to them immediately. Immediately, they said.
This made me curious since after
dealing with the IRS for over a half-century, I never realized I could simply
buy an ITunes card for payment to the federal guvment.
Opening up a whole new horizon, I
began thinking about this brilliant way of paying for guvmental stuff. I quickly called the U.S. Department of State
to inquire about getting a passport.
When I asked about paying for it with an ITunes card, they rudely hung
up.
Then it was a call to DMV who also
disconnected my call. The county
treasurer, state taxation department, boat registration section, and pet
licensing division, all cut me off, too.
It was at this point I realized I was having trouble with my telephone,
so I called the phone company.
While I had them on the line I
posed the ITunes card question to them, at which point the representative
laughed until the line went dead.
It seems as though the IRS is on
to something with this payment method. I
instantly contacted Sunoco, Wal-Mart, Safeway, Publix, and my local car
dealership to see if they take these handy gift cards as transfer of funds for
regular purchases of gas, sleeveless t-shirts, and cheese.
Alas, only the federal guvment’s
IRS is savvy enough to blaze the trail in payment in lieu of cash. This was important as I, according to Agent
Hobart, was looking at 20-years of hard time in a federal prison.
Just when I thought this bad news
was only getting worse, a “ding” on my cell phone informed me of an incoming
email.
Here it was – a sign from above
that things were only going to get better.
It was an unexpected mail message
from Ogumbi Oswala, an African prince. I
didn’t recognize the name, but continued to read this e-letter with interest.
 |
| Not Prince Ogumbi Oswala, just Prince |
As it happens, Prince Oswala came
across 45-million US dollars following an overthrow of power in his sovereign
country. Because of the local turmoil
there, Prince Oswala needed someone to hold onto this $45,000,000, for a couple
of weeks, after which the holder – that would be me – would get half of that
money.
It was a no-brainer. Twenty-two and a half million bucks for only
waiting a few weeks seemed like a win-win situation for both me and Prince
Oswala. The only catch was I needed to deposit
$10,000 of good faith cash into Prince Oswala’s private account.
What could possibly go wrong?
It was a done deal as far as I
was concerned.
I immediately returned Prince
Oswala’s email with a phone number of the IRS, instructing him to touch base
with Agent Hobart. Perhaps they could
meet up and exchange stories and the $10,000 the Prince needs. Plus the federal guvment could get another
$22,500,000, for their coffers. Problems
solved.
Bad news, good news, you see.
