Quiz Me

Not a Thinking Cap

Let’s start this week with a quiz that is guaranteed to stifle controversy.  It’s time to put on your thinking cap.

 

What do Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Kevin Bacon, Danny DeVito, Sean Connery, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Liam Neeson, and Sylvester Stalone have in common?

 

Of course they’re all men – more or less.  But that’s not the answer.  Sure, they’re all movie stars.  Again, wrong answer.

 

Today we’re going for something more concise and deeper than is evident on the silver screen.

 

Answer: They’re all smarmy, hypocritical, douchebags.

 

Now you’re saying to yourself, “Self, Uncle Paul is usually pretty insightful and fair, and always right.  What up?”

 

Here’s ‘what up.’

 

Over the past few years, there have been tragic shootings in schools, theaters, and daycare facilities.  Immediately following these shootings, the above-listed magnificent eight came out for gun control in America.

 

You read that correctly.  Each of these guys bleated some sort of message that guns are too freely available to the public,, and if they were more tightly controlled, or banned altogether, such crimes would not have occurred.  Period.

 

On this list there are several clowns who are foreign born, to include Arnold who was born in Austria, Sean who is from Great Britain, Sylvester who is from New York City, and Matt Damon who hails from Mars.

 

Yes, all eight starred in movies that have used guns to excess only to feign care about the real-life carnage in our society today.

 

Ever heard of Predator, The Expendables, James Bond flicks, Sniper, Taken, Bourne Identity, or Rambo?  If so, read on.

 

None of these jerks have been accused of being deep thinkers.  Personally, I’m surprised they can even read their own lines.

 

In any case, all of these self-righteous buffoons would like Americans to forego the Second Amendment so that they can more easily offer such stifling ideas on how to solve senseless killings.

 

Not one of these oafs demanded something be done about the mentally-ill shooters themselves.  No, rather the onus should fall squarely on decent, law-abiding citizens.  Go back up two paragraphs and re-read it; I’ll wait for you.

 

This is why the rest of us should boycott appearances of these, and others who think they can sway public opinion with their tripe.  This includes political candidate endorsements, climate-related issues, and social matters that are held so closely and dear to their overly large hearts.

 

Don’t be fooled by the fools.

Can’t Live Without

A rainy weekend created time to sort through stuff that accumulated over the years and now resides inside the kitchen cabinets.

 

Of course there is the assortment of various sizes of pots and pans and lids, but there are some special things that caught my attention because of great advertising.

 

We’ve all seen those television ads that promote pills to encourage weight loss.  Simply take one pill every day and dramatic weight loss will occur.  Within three days you are guaranteed to lose 40 pounds so, you must exercise extraordinary care when using, or even handling, these powerful drugs.

 

It seems the only thing losing weight will be your wallet.  Still, the appeal lives because of the idea you don’t have to change your diet or exercise habits to achieve the published results.

 

This same appeal holds true for me when it comes to these gadgets.  I so badly want things to work well in an effort to make my life easier.  My motto is: “Work smarter, not harder.”

 

Out of the cabinet first was a green frying pan that promised nothing would stick to it.  Burning sugar, over-cooked pork chops, charred potatoes, would all merely rinse off with only a thimble of water. 

 

The fact you had to season this frying pan first and repeatedly would have been good information to have before the initial purchase.  Otherwise, you just bought an antique cast iron fry pan.

 

Next out was an air-circulating wok-style pan that contained all sorts of accessories, racks, spatulas, and lid.  Everything was there except the directions.  Now I remember why we never used this thing.

 

That amazing spatula that turned fried eggs without breaking the yolks didn’t work either and was tucked neatly adjacent to those Teflon© coated forms for making tortilla bowls.  In case you missed them on TV, you tuck a corn or flour tortilla in one of these molds and place it into the oven for only ten minutes.  If you want it crisp, you’ll need to leave it in the oven for roughly three days.  When done, they can be used to create taco salads, ice cream bowls, and – well – that’s all.

 

Then there are the forms that make hard-boiled eggs without the shells.  Say what?

 

You crack a raw egg into this mold, and then place it into boiling water for a few minutes.  The result is a hard-boiled egg that needs no peeling.  These molds can actually be used with liquid egg product that contains no cholesterol for folks like me.

 

A device that promised to be revolutionary from a Nobel Prize standpoint, the machine that sliced carrots, potatoes, and onions with ease, in seconds, was pulled out.  It worked very well for about two carrots before the “indestructible space-aged plastic” snapped and ruined the “multi-blade slot,” rendering it useless.

 

We now remove an egg peeler form the cabinet.  This is one of those things that seem so good they could best be described as diet pills.

 

Just put a hard-boiled egg into this contraption, push down on its plastic plunger, and remove the perfectly-peeled egg in less than 1.4 seconds.

 

But why do we need this thing if we can boil eggs without their shells?

 

I surrender and promise to not buy anything else from a television ad.  Unless I see something to make a bacon vest.

Important Questions

Our English language is tough enough to muddle through every day without having intellectual wanna-bes attempting to wordsmith.

 

Often the spoken language has nuances that are subject to rules but, when bored smart folks get involved things get very complex and confusing very quickly.

 

For example, hamburger meat becomes chuck when its fat content changes.  That’s the rule.

 

Unfortunately, there are no hard and fast rules for the following:

 

• When does a racehorse become a glue factory candidate?
• Why did bottled water become more expensive than gasoline?
• When does a simple murder become an assassination?
• When does a used car become a previously-owned automobile?
• When did global warming become climate change?
• What makes a car a “luxury automobile?”
• Since when did awful poetry in the form of rap become music?
• When did Christmas become not Christmas?
• How did lies about “hands up, don’t shoot” become gospel?
• How are we supposed to talk about race without being called a racist?
• How do such stupid men and women get elected and re-elected to Congress and the Senate?
• What is the difference between impotence and erectile dysfunction?
• Why did dangerous curly light bulbs replace the safer incandescent ones?
• Why do criminals get free housing, food, educations, phones, and then complain that they are called “illegal immigrants?”
• How do people get elevated to “expert” status in order to give their lame opinions on television?
• What are the criteria for securing a lucrative federal grant to study crap that doesn’t need studying?
• When is the First Lady going to take the same flight as her “husband?”
• Who selects the days when the time changes?
• What does your resume have to look like to get a job test driving Ferraris?
• What sort of punishment should be meted out to tax evaders when illegal immigrants are rewarded for their efforts?
• When is it time to stop blaming President Bush?
• When does a sofa become a davenport?
• What distinguishes a pot from a kettle?
• What is the difference between lally-gagging and dilly-dallying?

That’s enough for now since my hair hurts.  Come back next week for a new story.  Thanks for reading!