Phoney Etiquette

 

In these days it is difficult to find someone without a cell phone.  For those readers just awakening from a 20-year coma, cell phones are not communication devices used in penal institutions rather, they are portable telephones that do not require wires.

Much like a walkie-talkie of old, these devices are not tethered to the kitchen or living room wall thereby limiting one’s roaming range.

These things are everywhere and used by everyone.  Children who are in elementary school have them so that they can keep Mom and Dad advised as to where the police are booking them, Mom and Dad have them so that they are able to surreptitiously chat with their illicit lovers, and drug dealers have them to better serve the public.

The guvment feels so strongly about people having cell phones that people too destitute to buy and pay for their own plan can get one from Uncle Sam for nothing.

Illegal aliens all have them, homeless folks have them, and even senior citizens have them, although those are equipped with buttons the size of drink coasters.

Such technology affords much portability, sometimes too much.  Times were when people needed to stay home to await a return phone call or bide time until a business opened.

Today, those same folks are on the road clogging traffic and generally annoying the rest of society.

Once, I was shopping for groceries when I caught the middle of a monologue-conversation.  A lone female voice was yammering-on about her previous night’s sexual escapades with a guy she found at a nightclub.

Evidently this guy was pretty proficient between the sheets and did his best to prove it last evening.  Oblivious to her surroundings, this athletic participant really didn’t need a phone to broadcast her dreamy feelings for her new Romeo.

Of course I followed her to get as much of the story as possible.  After passing the artichoke hearts, she turned to see me totally engaged in her tale.

“This is a PRIVATE conversation!” she announced with a sneer of which Snidely Whiplash would be jealous.

Smugly I announced, “No, it isn’t.”

And, I was right.

If you want to talk about your personal affairs to everyone, everywhere, you should not be surprised if anyone listens.

I dare say a protocol should be established for cell phone use in “unnatural” places.

Those are areas in which corded phones were not typically used when they were popular.  Such places are stores, while driving in your vehicle, on mass transit, an airplane, and especially a bathroom.

If hear you talking to me with a serious echo in the background, I’m now listening for the “splash.”

I’m just saying.

Huh?

In an attempt to kill time while my sainted wife did her outright best to rejuvenate the sagging economy, I visited a “sporting goods” store in our local shopping mall.

I’m not referring to those sporting goods stores that sell only over-priced sneakers, expensive winter parkas, and skiing gear.  No, I’m talking about sporting goods stores that actually sell sporting goods for the average guy.

 

Of course my sort of store sells shirts and britches and hats, but also guy stuff for guys.  In that group of stuff I include hunting, shooting, and fishing equipment.

 

It seems somewhere along the way these stores felt compelled to cater to those that are easily offended.  And those folks usually live in urban areas.

 

Such items that are used for hunting, shooting, and fishing, are considered too dangerous for the weak-minded city dweller

 

Rural areas, on the other hand, serve as home to people who enjoy finding and bringing home fish and game, or simply enjoy a few hours target shooting at cans, paper, and clay pigeons.

 

Urbanites find these last activities distasteful because they involve killing or the preparation of killing.  And, those illuminati are way above those Neanderthal activities and proud if it.  If we could only save one life…

 

I say, “Let’s ban skiing as it is a very dangerous sport.  Remember Sonny Bono?”

 

Stores that pander to the non-violent, I’m-better-than-you crowd, refuse to carry firearms, ammunition, fishing poles, hooks, bait, or even bobbers.  They do, however, have a plentiful supply of dog training whistles and blaze orange dog collars, likely for city slicker Chihuahuas.  But, I digress.

 

This particular sporting goods store, whose name rhymes with Pander Mountain, and is located in Salisbury, Maryland, actually had guns and ammo in stock.  The bad news is that they used a number system much like a delicatessen where one takes a number and patiently waits while the person in front of you orders ¼ pound each of salami, bologna, ham, roast beef, and two slices of Alpine Swiss cheese.

 

In Pander Mountain’s case, I, along with three other guys was unable to find the number ticket dispenser.  The really bad news was that we were not allowed to speak to the douchebags, er, sales clerks to ask them where the dispenser was located.

 

This seemed too much like one of those hidden camera shows, or a college level psychology experiment-gone-bad.

 

I made my way through the store to examine the fishing equipment when I hear two nearby average-looking guys say, “Look!  It’s the Wunder Boner!”

 

A quick check was surreptitiously performed to see if my zipper was in its upright and locked position.  It was.

 

Now if there are only a handful of phrases that will catch someone’s attention that is certainly one of them.

 

With my curiosity in high gear, I was on a mission to find this Wunder Boner.  Turns out it was a device that de-boned fish, and was pretty effective at doing so.  It sold for $20 and seemed rather novel if only for the name.

 

I left the store disappointed because of the elitism of the store personnel and will not return because of them.  I also left with a smile over a product I would need if only I could catch a fish.

Random Thoughts III

Once again it is time for more of these brain rattlers to come pouring out in the form of “Random Thoughts.”  Let’s visit these teasers together.

 

• Why do microwave ovens have lights that turn on while cooking?
• Too many shoppers confuse me for the doorman simply because I politely hold the door for them; now they don’t have to say, “Thank you.”
• It’s odd that no one in the current administration can use the word “terrorist.”
• Speaking of which, how do you say, “Hands up, don’t shoot!” in French?
• Is there so much racial disparity in America that we can’t find five white guys to play basketball, or half-dozen black guys to play ice hockey?
• Why are all the marathons won by people from African nations?
• How is it that my guest sofa bed is the most comfortable in the world?
• Who gets to name things like the ‘polar vortex?’
• Don’t politicians know that they are on the public dole because they are incapable of making a living in the private sector?
• All those whiners that complain they can’t save for retirement, but buy motorcycles and go-carts as toys, deserve to live in squalor when they reach 65.
• Where is all the .22 LR ammunition?
• Rather than the mechanics of a condom, schools need to teach kids how to use a trash can.
• Why don’t any lamp timers keep time?
• Is it a law that every guy has to pee on the floor in a public bathroom?
• Do cats and dogs get bored eating the same dry crunchy food day-in and day-out?
• Why not give a breeding pair of extinct animals to farmers?  They seem to be able to keep the chicken and beef populations in control and on grocery store shelves.
• It is so cold that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
• Why don’t stores retire those shopping carts with the wobbly wheels?
• “Tire rotation” is a bad term since they rotate automatically when you drive.
• How come a soldier can’t carry a gun while stateside, but can be trusted with all sorts of destructive devices elsewhere?
• If Canadians have such a great health care system, why do they come here for medical treatment?
• How did Americans get so stupid?  Just channeling Jonathan Gruber’s thoughts.
• Santa Clau – er – President Obama wants to goad Congress into giving away free college educations.  Where is this guy getting all this money?
• When did the Ferguson riots become my fault merely because I’m white?  I’ve never been to Ferguson and have no desire to go there.
• All vehicles are required, by law, to have air-bags but, they were purchased from a company that doesn’t make air-bags that work.  Hmmm.
• Where is that Malaysian plane?
• Is Sears still in business?  If so, it shouldn’t be.
• A string of LED Christmas lights – the ones that last 10,000 hours – is already kaput.  They lied.
• If I have to wear a seatbelt for safety, why don’t motorcyclists have to wear helmets for safety?
• A fishing license doesn’t mean I know how to fish anymore than a driver’s license means you know how to drive.
• Those signs that say “Slower traffic keep right,” means your other right.
• I wonder if Lance Armstrong rides his bike to work.

A Quick Look Back

It’s only a few days into the New Year and already my resolutions have gone by the wayside.  So, rather than examine my own shortcomings, I’d like to take this opportunity to delve into shortcomings of others.

 

Looking back at the last year we found that people of all ages could be goaded into acting like fools in the name “charity.”  Folks around the nation found that challenging anyone from friends and family to total strangers could be bullied into getting buckets of ice water dumped on them.  These acts of nonsense resulted in many, many dollars being donated to some charity.

 

Most of these acts of terror occurred while being videotaped and then were laughed at by equally simple-minded fools who decided to try their own hands at replicating what they just saw.  These morons were applauded by the masses.

 

On an unrelated note, the CIA was publicly chastised for pouring water on the heads of terrorists.  Outrage circulated around the country because these poor, unsuspecting murderers and terror plotters were being subject to “torture,” which, among the anointed, was verboten unless done to the likes of Katie Couric.

 

We also witnessed the disappearance of an airplane from the skies.  Apparently this Malaysian-originated flight simply vanished over Asian and Pacific waters and assumed at the bottom of the oceans.

 

Problem is, there has been no debris in the form of those “floatation cushions” we’re all told about using during over-water emergencies, structural Styrofoam, luggage, fuel/oil slicks, or those “pinging” black boxes.

 

Nonetheless, the world was guaranteed the search would continue until the wreckage was located. 

 

Nothing has been found because the search for this plane has been suspended for several months now.  Even Nancy Grace and Greta VanSustern have conceded that perhaps David Copperfield used this as part of a giant magic trick.

 

General Motors – the vehicle manufacturer, not that military guy – have set a record by recalling every car they ever made, and some manufactured by Ford.

 

It seems that some cars simply shut off while driving, others have missing seat bolts, and others that have been manufactured in Mexico still have illegal aliens in the trunks.

 

Bill Cosby has found himself in some hot water because of a sudden deluge of women claiming the comedian/actor sexually harassed them at one time or another over the past thirty years.

 

Mr. Cosby has denied these allegations by accusers, some of whom are now in their 60’s.  It seems odd these wrongs need correcting now, for some reason that may involve cash settlements to make these women feel better.  These crimes need to be aired to show what a cad Mr. Cosby is, and has been, for some years.

 

Odder yet, is the fact that former President William Jefferson Clinton was accused of the very same thing as Mr. Cosby yet, his dalliances were summarily dismissed by his rabidly blind supporters who claimed these were “private matters,” and should not be anyone’s business but that of Mr. Clinton.

 

And finally, Ebola has been cured.  Not really, but all the hoopla has been cured.  We’re no closer to finding a vaccine for the Ebola virus today than we were ten years ago.  CNN has simply given up on continually harping about people dying from this disease.  After all, we, as a nation, are more interested in who is going to be competing on Dancing With the Stars.