It was an epiphany.
Just last evening I was trying to watch some inane television – using
this medium as a sleep aid. The hour was
not too late but, that day was chock full of excitement that needed quelling.
Religiously, after exactly five minutes and 30 seconds, up
popped a series of ads that gave me a deep look into my shallow existence.
Somehow, my life took a turn away from things critical to my
survival and toward austerity. This had
to stop immediately.
First up was an advertisement for some sort of knee brace
that instantly eliminated back and leg pain.
I was told the brace was absolutely necessary to help my sedentary life
turn into one of dancing and field-goal kicking. The New York Giants should get a couple of
these for their special teams players.
But, I digress.
They were available for the modest sum of $20, plus shipping
and handling. But wait! For only the cost of shipping and handling, I
could get a second brace. Shipping and
handling amounted to eight bucks, each.
So, for $36, I could get a knee brace for each knee, rather than limping
because I only had one.
Then we slid into an ad for an electric callous
trimmer. Evidently there is some crisis
in the fashion world that dictates women have callous-free tootsies. Women’s feet are shown with elephant-like
skin being magically transformed into baby-bottom soft appendages. The secret is the 2500 RPM motor that spins
the cutting disk.
These products have been around for years and could be found
in the kitchen gadget department as a cheese grater. These, too could be bought for another twenty
plus eight dollars.
Not being done with all the hype, I was introduced to a
spice organizer shelf system. Oddly
enough, just last week, I was saying, to Smokey the cat, “I wish I had a spice
organizer shelf system. I wonder why
nobody makes one.”
Evidently they do.
Smokey and I were glued to the TV to get the details. It seems as though these shelves are made
from durable polystyrene that resist rust, and support barbells. This is great because I was also thinking of
storing my barbells in my spice cabinet.
All this for only the amazing amount of $20, plus shipping and handling. Smokey had his checkbook handy.
But wait, there’s more!
Back to programming but, in another 5 ½ minutes, I was
treated to more sales pitches. After all
these years, I failed to realize I needed an organically green frying pan. This pan was guaranteed to prevent anything
from sticking to it.
That was all well and good, but how did they get the organic
coating stick to the pan? That was
perplexing.
This $20 frying pan seemed like the ticket to trouble-free
cooking for years to come, providing there were no questions asked.
In this world of television hawking, I came across fixes for
nearly everything, and some things I didn’t realize needed fixes.
Brownie pans that cut brownies while they’re baking, special
pans to create taco shell bowls, devices that prepare the perfect hard-boiled
egg, and special cloths that were reverse-engineered from debris found at the
Roswell crash site, guaranteed to soak up the Pacific ocean in seconds.
This was a clear bonanza of must-haves and helped me create
my Christmas shopping list for this year.
