Today I celebrate two milestones: I have officially been on
a diet for 50 years, and my New Year’s resolution to lose weight has been over
for six-months, now.
Although I am a spitting image of Tom Selleck, I would really
like to weigh less than Tom.
Each year begins with one of those pesky resolutions that
are touted by svelte TV newscasters.
Prancing about with tights and a headband, they egg their audience on
about devising a resolution of some sort.
It usually involves quitting smoking or losing copious amount of weight,
though. Their personal goals are to lose
an astounding 5.8 grams. My goal is to
rid myself of the equivalence of a Steinway piano.
Feeling especially guilty because I feel as though they are
talking directly to me, I usually turn the television off and retreat to the
kitchen for a snack. But then, I
eventually get that culpable feeling back and make a concerted effort to
actually shed some pounds.
Being cold and damp in early January, I found a need to
exercise indoors. Chasing Smokey the Cat
around the house with a broom doesn’t necessarily qualify as genuine exercise
so, I purchased a stationary bicycle.
As a Lorenzo Jones-type of inventor, it wasn’t long before I
found myself re-purposing this motionless mode of transportation into something
more practical – a multifaceted hanger for my exercise clothes.
Realizing that exercise was not enough, I turned to eating
‘lite’ foods. After some time, I began
eating less lite. Alas, disappointing
results were realized. This means I
actually gained three-pounds.
But, as time passed, ads began showing their ugly little
heads in print, on radio, and via billboards.
“Lose weight with ease. Get that
swimsuit body now!” proclaimed the media hoopla.
Yes, it would soon be time for all us fat guys to wish we
could doff our shirts to expose our pasty-white chests to the sun. Sadly, this activity is subject to
incarceration in 18 states and all of Canada
Close scrutiny to these advertisements made me realize that
I was going about this all wrong. It
seems as though there are pills available to “melt pounds away.” At only $19.95 per bottle, I can take these
miracle pills that allow me to eat bacon-wrapped doughnuts and lose weight
while doing so.
The good news is that I also found a magic powder of some
sort that can be sprinkled on ice cream and other health foods, and make my
extra ‘baggage’ disappear. Pictures of
women, who were every bit as large as both me and Tom, fill the ads showing
remarkable results of their diligence in dispensing this scientific dust to
their meals.
All this hoopla gives me motivation and hope that I will someday be able to hide behind a piece of rope.
Just in case, I had bags of potato chips and dip on-hand, in the likely event these products worked so well that I found myself starving to death while eating.
The bottom line is, this business with the New Year’s
resolutions is traditionally a lost cause for many people, making me feel
somewhat better about my failed efforts.
Yet, there’s always next year to try again.
Nonetheless, this 50th anniversary of dieting is
going to find me celebrating with an extraordinary meal consisting of a
leaf-lettuce salad with a vinaigrette lite dressing, and a glass of lo-cal
water. For dessert, I’ll watch the Food
Network for an hour.
