BOOM!

This past year I failed to receive a calendar from my local Chinese restaurant because economic times are bad and those “perks” are the first things to go.  But, I was counting on the media to help me along, and they did not disappoint.

 

 

In the week leading up to Independence Day – the Fourth of July, for all you socialists – local television news is peppered with stories about the danger of fireworks.

 

 

Fireworks have long-been a symbol of July 4^th celebrations and represent “the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air,” mentioned in the Star Spangled Banner.

 

 

When I was a little kid, the neighborhood juvenile delinquents magically came up with firecrackers and Roman candles, often set off in a public-style display.

 

 

I don’t ever remember anyone getting hurt during those displays and looked forward to the next one with anxiousness.

 

 

But those local TV scare stories are all the same.  Take an old flannel shirt and pair of britches, stuff them with newspapers, and top them with a watermelon.  An M-80, an eighth stick of dynamite, is taped to the watermelon “head,” then ignited.

 

 

BOOM!  And shards of melon are spewed about, evidently trying to drive home the point of how dangerous taping an M-80 to produce is.

 
 

In the unlikely event this second-hand-store scarecrow is supposed to represent a human being, it is equally unlikely that someone would duct tape an eighth stick of dynamite to their cranium.  They get what they deserve if they do, according to Charles Darwin.

 
 

Some folks may recall those things called ‘snakes.’  They are small, black pellets formed from compressed charcoal that are lighted and expand to awe five-year olds, grandmothers, and anyone with a 57 IQ.  It seems as though snakes are legal in most places possibly because they are so lame.

 

 

Still, I’m not quite certain why backyard fireworks are illegal everywhere I live.  The big news here is that sparklers – those little silvery sticks coated with magnesium, titanium, and an oxidizer, whose temperatures reach roughly 2000°F, are making a comeback in some jurisdictions.

 

 

At the same time, places such as South Carolina and Florida have more fireworks stores than tattoo parlors.  One particular shop in South Carolina sells just what I need for my backyard display, and I frequent it often.  Particularly great are those aerial bombs that produce spiders, mums, and tinsel-like showers.  In other words, the good stuff.

 

 

While we’re talking about South Carolina and Florida, let’s ask ourselves why aerial bombs are legal there, but not on the Eastern Shore.  Perhaps Eastern Shore politicians think their constituents are too stupid to safely light a fuse, but smart enough to vote for them for re-election.

 

 

Let’s prove these sycophants wrong.  Let us use fireworks at our own risk.  Politicians: If you don’t like that idea, find a new job.  Next year, bring on the good stuff!