What Became Of…

It has been years since we heard of terrible calamities to the Earth and its occupants, and now is as good a time as any to revisit those dire warnings.

 

In the past few decades, we have heard Chicken Little’s cry about the falling sky of our planet.  Global warming would have devastating effects on the Earth, causing it to eventually spontaneously combust.  The definitive culprit was aerosol deodorant.  Once banned, all would be good but, it wasn’t.

 

We, as a people, needed to be responsible and demonstrate our verve by recycling bottles, cans, and newspapers.  If we only recycled, it would be a positive step to saving the planet.

 

Unfortunately, picking up all that separated trash demanded the use of a second garbage truck which resulted in twice the pollution.

 

Pretending that the paper bags issued to grocery shoppers needed to quickly cease because cutting all those pulp-wood pines endangered the Earth even more. Plastic bags were the exchange because we could now save trees.  But, plastic bags don’t decay in landfills so, they needed to be outlawed, too. 

 

Cloth bags seemed to be the reasonable alternative to both paper and plastic sacks.  Once again, that reasoning would be flawed as so many germs remain in the used bags, they are now causing severe illnesses.  All this would lead to “global warming;” those words were changed to “climate change” when we had record snowfalls, debunking any kind of warming.  Simply put, we Southerners call this “winter and summer.”

 

Then, there was the Three Mile Island (TMI) incident.  TMI is a nuclear reactor in Pennsylvania that had released radioactive particles into the air in 1979.  It was subsequently shut down amid protests, hearings, and movies about the catastrophe the allegedly poisoned thousands of nearby residents.  It was put back on-line in 2010 and, we are all still alive.

 

Next we visit that summer bane, mosquitoes.  The Shore is chock full of skeeters, and big ones, at that.  Rivaling sparrows, in size, they are aggressive bring all sorts of diseases including West Nile Virus.  Each summer the media floods the airwaves with warnings about the dangers of being bitten by these critters and how to avoid them by emptying plant saucers, changing bird baths, and ridding ones property of old tires – all of which allow water to accumulate where these pests breed.

 

Each year we buy can upon can of bug spray but still get a bite here and there and, we remain alive.

 

Other hype that seems endless concerns snowstorms, nor’easters, hurricanes, and droughts.  We are able to cope with these natural disasters not without inconvenience and discomfort.  We pool our resources and help one another when the time calls for assistance; we endure.  By the way, the Earth is till spinning.

 

We were deluged with bad news about the economy in 2009.  The government hastily passed a $1,000,000,000,000 bailout that was needed to help keep people employed.  It didn’t and we are further indebt than before.

 

Of interest to fisherman and boaters, hydrilla, an invasive underwater plant species was found to have crept into fresh water lakes and rivers across the eastern United States.  Its presence meant the demise of all where it resides.  Hydrilla’s existence spelled trouble for boaters and angler, alike.  In reality, this water weed has provided a haven for breeding bass and stripers and panfish – a pleasant side effect that has proven the aqua-biologists wrong.

 

In addition, we needed “free universal healthcare.”  It is not free nor universal.  Still, the Chicken Little’s garner all the press.

 

Instead of listening to all this bunk, we should focus on getting all the facts and keeping our Congressman and Senators honest.

Random Thoughts

Politicians, too often, forget they were hired by us, work for us, and need to heed us to keep their jobs.  If they forget those things, they should be fired by us when they don’t do what we want them to do.  It’s a job.

 

What’s the big deal with corned beef and cabbage?

 

Newspaper funnies are no longer funny.

 

People have tried for years to evade smoke from cigarettes and cigars.  They enact laws to prohibit use of a legal product which is heavily taxed in order to discourage its use.  In some cities, smoking in your car or apartment is illegal.  It’s interesting that a new push is on to legalize smoking marijuana.  I suppose that smoke is less offensive.

 

We regularly hear folks tell us that dogs are smarter than cats.  Cats poop in a box when it is raining outside and cover it up when they go outside.  Dogs don’t, hence cats are smarter.

 

Complaints are heard about the high cost of insurance, food, and gas.  But, we think nothing of spending in the neighborhood of $100 per month for internet service.

 

Microwave pizza is still awful after thirty years.

 

People pay more for bottled water than gasoline, and complain about the price of gas.

 

Women who often say, “I don’t care what other people think,” are very concerned about what other people think.

 

Weather forecasters would do better to get real jobs in which they need to be correct.

 

You never want to hear a doctor say, “Ooops!”

 

Where does all the toilet paper go?

 

My doctor told me to exercise more.  I offered to let him exercise with me.  He declined.

 

My sainted wife is at the store so often I suggested she get a job there.  And a discount.

 

It’s absurd that we can teach Islam principles in school but not say, “Merry Christmas.”  What happened to that church and state thing?

 

Why do people keep snakes as pets?

 

I wonder what those tattoos you got at age twenty will look like at age seventy.

 

Our U.S. attorney general said it was okay to kill Americans with drones domestically.

 

There are so many stupid people in this world you would think schools were outlawed.

 

Nobody counts change anymore.

 

It seems as though every kid has ADHD.

 

The lines in parking lots are there for a reason.

 

A former friend was sitting at my kitchen table when she got a phone call, looked at the number and said, “Not him again.”  Now I know why she never answered when I called, and you know why she is my former friend.

 

I could use a big lottery win right now.

 

Keep an eye out for knuckleheads with Confederate flags in the back windows, blaring rap music.  They’re actually pretty easy to spot.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Excuse me while I get the cat more toilet paper.

Broken Glass

In the 1960’s, women saw the civil rights movement as a vehicle to attain their own idea of privileges perceived to be missing from their lives.

 

Jumping aboard the protest bandwagon, countless women across the country took to the streets to burn their brassieres and proudly carry novel signs with kitchy sayings.  Soon, the hungry media picked up these antics and carried them as stories about the downtrodden feminine gender.

 

This was the birth of the ‘women’s movement’ and encompassed everything from jobs to reproduction.  It was a monumental time for these women but, it continues today.

 

Yes, it was those same women who burned their bras that also gleefully threw their underwear on stage to male singers such as Elvis Presley and Tom Jones.  They wanted to be free of men but with men, at the same time.

 

This quite perplexing display of demands led America in various directions.  They claimed that a woman could do anything a man could do, only better.

 

A Miss title was changed to Ms. which confused those Mrs. titles.  That was fine since married women so desired to separate themselves from that dirty word “married.”

 

Carefully watching from the sidelines, many men witnessed women contorting facts to achieve such lofty goals as legalizing abortion, breaking the proverbial corporate glass ceiling, and wearing pants.

 

All these efforts brought us such illustrious female figures as Danica Patrick and Lauren Silberman.

 

It the event you were in a coma for the past month or so, Danica Patrick is a female racecar driver.  She drove an Indy car for several years and decided to switch to NASCAR to conquer a real challenge.  The Nationwide Series, which is a transitional league for less-experienced drivers, hosted her.  She didn’t do well.

 

Nonetheless, she was given a ride in the Sprint Cup Series – the big boy league – and qualified for the Daytona 500 in the pole position.  That is quite a feat that made many people proud.  Sportscasters fawned over her accomplishment while the media left race fans with the impression she was the only driver entered in that race.  She wasn’t.

 

Likening her pole-winning achievement to curing cancer, she finished a strong tenth place.  But, she broke the good ol’ boys barrier which delighted race announcer Darryl Waltrip to no end.

 

She dutifully proved she could compete with men on a level ‘playing field.’  Still, that was no the end of the good news for the fairer sex.

 

Lauren Silberman had a hankering to break the gender barrier in professional football.  Ms. Silberman tried out as a place kicker to much hoopla.  Once again, the media made quite a spectacle of this event.

 

She teed up the football and with a swift arching rotation of her right leg kicked the ball an astonishing 19 yards!  Her second effort made it roughly 13 yards.  Apparently, the NFL was not especially interested in her spectacular athletic abilities.  Still, she tried to prove the naysayers wrong.

 

Women in the military are akin to this display of the Women vs. Men battle in civilian life.  It seems as though women have been met with the law of unintended consequences in this struggle, though.  They have proven themselves as fit as men and may now be subject to registering with the Selective Service for draft during a crisis, as a result.

 

Unfortunately, we still have gender-segregated sports including basketball, baseball, tennis, and golf.  I’m not sure why now that women have proven they can compete with men.

 

Good luck to all those competitive members of society who have so much to prove.  You go, girl!

 

 

Painful!

Nearly everyone I know enjoys a challenge of some sort.  Some have a talent to take a block of wood, seven paper clips, and an old chicken bone, and make an armoire.  Others can grab a cup of flour, an egg, peanut butter, and a paper towel to contrive a Smith Island cake.  And others still like to defy themselves to rebuild cars with little more than a spatula.

 

I, personally, possess no special worldly skills so, I challenge myself by watching “Jeopardy!”  This is a half-hour television program that runs daily, in syndication, and draws fools such as me who really want to believe I have knowledge.  I don’t.

 

Mesmerized by the three contestants, I am regularly glued to the TV to see if I know any of the answers.  Actually, the host, Alex Trebeck, gives you the answers and you must supply the question.  For instance, “Stupid people who waste time,” is the answer; “Jeopardy! Watchers,” would be the question.

 

Mr. Trebeck is not only smug but also a Canadian.  He seems to enjoy correcting incorrect answers with a glimmer in his eye.  Remember though, he has all the answers written down for his pleasure.

 

Offering a variety of answers, the contestants chose from categories that often contain material that is absolutely foreign to me.  My least favorite are “Opera Highlights of the 1800’s,” “Esteemed Poets from Cork County, Ireland,” and “Oscar Winners Whose Names End in the Letter ‘L’”.

 

The more difficult the answer, the higher the cash prize for that question.  In the event an incorrect question if given, that amount is deducted from that person’s score.  At the end of the game, the person with the highest amount of money wins.

 

But there is a final question in which all participants with cash can wager any amount of that money.  Only the category is given before the answer is revealed.  Needless to say, these answers are even harder than the rest of those in the game.

 

These final Jeopardy! Categories include “Shoe Sizes of 1960’s NBA Players,” “Kentucky Fried Chicken Secret Recipe Ingredients,” and “Number of Roofing Tiles on Famous European Castles.”

 

Very little of the information necessary to successfully provide a question can be found in People, Elle, or Southern Living magazines.  Rather, one would need to peruse encyclopedias, trade journals, and Mensa publications, or old newspapers. 

 

I don’t personally keep track of the questions I get correct but my sainted wife does.  As of today, I have accumulated the stunning amount of $200; I feel the amount should be closer to $378,000.  Although this represents nearly a decade of watching, I believe that is quite an accomplishment.

 

Most of the contestants appear rather geeky, meaning they look as though they were severely bullied or otherwise picked-on as children, thus turning into anti-social types who regularly turn to books and equally generally awkward company for companionship.

 

This doesn’t mean they cannot interact with other normally appearing individuals.  It means their of idea of a raucous Saturday evening is a date with Masterpiece Theater.  Crack open the flavored water!

 

Sure, I’m jealous that these nerds know how to make their own ‘tahini,’ and can name the Gutenberg Bible’s typesetter’s grandmother.

 

I guess we all have our special torture.  Give me a waterboard any day.