Some years ago I had a neighbor
who was not only attractive and successful, but also wacky.
Upon meeting and getting past
introductions, my sainted wife and I invited her over for dinner.
“I’m a vegan,” she proudly
announced.
I immediately began
surreptitiously attempting to check to see if she possessed teeth.
They were pearly white thereby
indicating she was more than able to chew meat.
What can you really say to
someone who feels guilty about eating food?
In all honesty, the word “vegan”
is an old Indian term for “poor hunter.”
This is as good a place as any to
point out there are varying degrees of veganism.
Dietary vegans refrain from
consuming animal products, not only meat but also eggs,
dairy
products and other animal-derived substances.
An ethical vegan is who not only follows a vegan diet but extends
their philosophy
into other areas of their lives, and oppose the use of animals for any purpose.
Then
there is environmental veganism which I believe can be cured with psychotropic
drugs and electro-shock therapy. But I
digress.
If at this spot you’re thinking,
‘If I visit some chicken joint, chickens will soon become an endangered
species,’ you’d be wrong.
Each day there are roughly
1,000,000,000 chickens transformed from filthy animals into scrumptious food
for the entire world; Cows are not far behind.
Personally, I try to devour as many of each as possible to help prevent
animal flatulence from ruining the environment from irreparable damage. You’re welcome.
But the true issue is that this
neighbor came by and refused dinner based on the fact she was abstaining from
anything but lettuce and kale and such.
She excused herself and went
home, only to return with a package of chicken parts. I was confused, to say the least.
Neighbor lady explained this
cellophane pack of fowl was derived from “free range chickens.” Evidently, free range chickens are fair game
for vegans because they can roam about without being confined by fences.
It’s my understanding that
farmers without fences were called “poor.”
In any case, a few weeks later,
she came by again while I was cooking out. This time she brought some
sushi-grade tuna to join our festivities.
At this juncture I gave up trying to analyze this bad dream.
 |
| Tofu burger. MMMMMMMMM!!! |
And all this came back to my mind
because while shopping for groceries today, I noticed there were soy bean and
pine needles fashioned into fake hamburgers.
The picture on the box made the burger look tasty and juicy.
The claim on the box was that
these phony hamburgers not only looked like real beef, but also tasted like
real beef. But why? They cost nearly twice as much as the real
thing; not what I would consider a bargain.
If I was attempting to avoid
meat, fish, milk, and the like, I would not want to consume anything resembling
a beef or pork product.
I just talked myself into a fried
pork chop.
See you next week.
