Colored What?

It was a day to pick up provisions in the big city when I espied something worth a story.  You see, here on The Eastern Shore, one must drive roughly twelve miles, one way, to buy anything except illegal drugs.  Those can easily be had four doors away.

To prevent embarrassment to the store, we’ll cleverly change its name and simply refer to it as Tallmart.

Preparing to leave Tallmart for the twelve mile trek back home, my sainted wife needed to make the ride more comfortable by using their bathroom.

I waited near the Tallmart Vision Center where I met a five-and-a-half foot tall cardboard display sign touting colored contact lenses.

This display woman model was attractive but, she had two different colored eyes; one hazel, the other blue.

Since I had time on my hands I examined this display closely and desperately tried to make sense of it.

It seems as though Eastern Shore women – those with four kids out of wedlock, pink-dyed stringy and greasy hair, no teeth, driving a rusted Ford Pinto with cardboard duct-taped to at least one window, need only a pair of colored contact lenses to make them more attractive.

That extra step would likely garner them at least one more out-of-wedlock child.  Yeah!

Forget the fact the death trap they’re driving has bald tires and is started with a screwdriver.  Colored contact lenses are a must.

Much like those 70” UHDTVs, with the curved screens, satellite receivers, and the newest cell phones, these corrective lenses are advertised as a must.

This is what people like I call “misplaced priorities.”  People who can least afford them are the ones that buy them.  The young’uns don’t have the funds to buy diapers and formula, while the old relic retirees who have been saving money for decades don’t really need them.

So who is buying these colored contact lenses?

I have been wearing spectacles since I was a little kid and still have trouble putting drops in my eyes, much less contact lenses.  Besides, I really have no need to alter the color of my eyes because I’m not vain and I have my priorities in order.  Period.

After contemplating this scenario for days I realized that the schools are teaching kids the wrong things.  They can’t balance a checkbook, follow no-texting-while-driving laws, understand why children shouldn’t have children, and comprehend why drugs are bad.

Good for Tallmart being able to try and sell these non-critical items to the masses.  But just as the government geniuses place age limits on the purchase of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, they should place a bank account minimum balance on purchasing such frivolous niceties.

In my humble opinion, that is.

Paperwork, Please

Once again, a newspaper article caught my attention.  In Salisbury, Maryland, a fellow was arrested for “allegedly” stealing $22 and a pack of Newport cigarettes while beating someone.  Yup.

To protect this “alleged” criminal’s identity, we’ll call him Charles “Chuck” Becker instead of his real name, Ecker.

Mr. Becker allegedly approached an employee behind the Quick Mart in Salisbury, and punched him in the face.  He then allegedly kicked the worker while on the ground.  Becker then stole $22 from the hard working Quick Mart employee.

It seems that the surveillance cameras in the mini-mart were working and caught these alleged deeds on video.

Becker, you see, is a gang member affiliated with the Dead Man Inc [sic] prison gang.

Back in 2010, the Deepwater Horizon oil platform, in the Gulf of Mexico, was discovered to have a leak on the gulf floor.  Oil was spewing out of the ground and polluting the waters causing angst to the nth degree.

Rights organizations were quickly established to sue British Petroleum for the projected losses from the seafood that was allegedly tainted and permanently ruined as a result.

Countless watermen wearing those white rubber boots lined up to put in their claim for the billions of dollars being squeezed out of BP to make these watermen whole.

Unfortunately, in the Gulf of Mexico, much like on The Eastern Shore, the area watermen work under-the-table.  For our New Jersey readers, that means they pay nothing in taxes, insurance, social security, or anything else that would benefit their American bothers and sisters economically.

Herein lays the rub.  Upon reaching the front of the claim line, these cash-only workers were asked for their tax returns from the past three years.  Of course there were none because they never filed taxes, allegedly.

Departing with heads hung low, these scofflaws found themselves in quite a pickle.  You see, these guys who overcharge you for a bushel of crabs, a peck of oysters, and a 100 count of clams, are the same ones who laugh at those who are able to pay for these commodities.

There is nothing alleged about that previous paragraph.  But these guys allegedly skirt the law for decades until it’s time for benefit collection, at which they feign knowledge or personal responsibility.

Back to the alleged Mr. Becker.  I’m not very familiar with Dead Man Inc and its inner mechanics.  The words “prison gang” however, brings to mind an alleged organization offering some activities for the unfortunately incarcerated to wile away their time.

Parcheesi, checkers, card games, making shanks, and River Dancing, are what activities I imagine these inmates are engaged.

Now the hard question.  Does Dead Man Inc have a retirement plan or offer some sort of IRA?  There has to be some gang members that reach retirement age.  After all, Becker is 37-years old, and the day this alleged gang member is no longer able to commit meaningful crimes, allegedly, is rapidly approaching.  I would think that’s a little long in the tooth for a gang member.

Will he need to show tax returns for his alleged criminal years or is that an estimated calculation to collect Social Security?

If you know, please write to me.  Thanks.

Leather Shorts

Oktoberfest is in full swing replete with steins full of some of the finest beers, oom-pah music, and lederhosen.  For the uninformed, lederhosen are the coolest things ever.

I actually spent time in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, and recall those times with a smile. 

Canadians should know that The Alps actually wind their way through several countries including the ones mentioned above.

Because of the rugged territory, equally rugged clothing was needed to survive the harsh conditions and tough work.

Americans believe they own the market on creativeness and like to think the greatest inventions emerge from the United States.

An immigrant from Bavaria, Levi Strauss, became immersed in the Gold Rush in California.  He quickly realized the trousers miners were wearing lacked durability.  He was not a good miner but, he was a great tailor hence, he invented a cloth named denim and sewed them into dungarees, aka. Blue Jeans.

Before this genius move, Herr Strauss invented lederhosen.  Lumberjacks, mountain climbers, farmers, and hunters, all use them for their durability.

Made of leather, these britches come in two lengths – above the knee, and just below the knee – and are supported by suspenders.

The originals were buttoned, but now they are zippered with the benefit of two zippers, each offset from the middle for more flexibility by creating a flap rather than a hole.

Clearly kin to the early jeans days, lederhosen were culturally pigeonholing. Men who worked hard and with their hands were considered peasants, so wearing these utilitarian clothes indicated the wearers were uncultured.

Still, they remained popular by Bavarians and are still worn as a badge of distinction much like South American garb, kente cloth outfits, and Scottish kilts, are today.

Especially during Oktoberfest these tough versions of short pants can be espied in most beer halls across Europe.  They are worn with checked shirts and thigh-high socks with climbing boots.

Sure, many readers will chuckle about this essay of praise to robust work shorts that use suspenders to keep them up while gardening and such.  Yet, they see nothing amusing about guys parading around with dungarees, chaps, bolo ties, and scarves wearing cowboy hats.

The pride and function behind all these outfits seem reasonable when you understand the history of their origin.

I rue the fact I never bought a pair when I was trekking across the Alpen-land.

It should be noted that my sainted wife HATES these products of genius, and promises to leave me if I get a pair.

Now I’m about to scour ebay for some to call her bluff.  Aufwiedersehen!

They’re Wrong

Dangerous for little eyes

We are into the early weeks of football season.  Already we have seen some shenanigans from divas who believe their puny thoughts trump everyone else’s.

That jerk from the 49’ers who so badly demanded press, got it.  The next week, a smattering of other wanna-bes who climbed on the media-whore train received some press, too.

But other stuff has been happening throughout the NFL since the season opener a few weeks ago.

One of the major problems in the football league is the offensive names of some of the teams.

It seems as though over the past several years America has gone from “one nation under God, indivisible,” to the land of the Easily-offended.

Upon examination, the names of the teams have been around for years and years without issue.  Today, however, the easily-offended among us have selected a cause to keep them busy without any redeeming value to society as a whole.

The elite have refused to say the word “Redskins” as a team name because, according to the elite, is derogatory toward Indians.

There I go again.  “Indians” seems to be a bad word, too.

Those elites feel as if you use Indians to describe a nationality of people, those indigenous people will be offended.

Now when I say Indian people, I mean the Indians who are known by tribe names such as Hopi, Mohawk’s, Seneca’s, and so on.  The reason these folks were identified as Indians is because Christopher Columbus landed on pre-America land and mistook the indigenous as Middle East Indians.

That was not derogatory; it was a mistake.  Nonetheless, the ill-informed elites claim the name Redskins is suddenly offensive because the Indians of America fame are denoted as savages and easily identified as having skin that is redder in appearance than Columbus and his crew.

Allow me to try to assist the elite better explain their position for ridding the country of this overly-offensive moniker.

These elites would like teams in violent contact sports such as football to be more demure.  The mere idea of two men running into one another, causing contusions, broken bones, and concussions, is not as frightening and disturbing as uttering the word Redskins.

Of course if the name of the team was changed, it would only be “a good first step.”  Next, we would be awash with debates about which uniform colors were acceptable, eventually ending all the carnage.  Period.

We have seen debates about the color of coaches, number of women being locked-out of these games as players, rampant drug use, steroids, and how we should accept players who beat their spouses.

Instead we are force-fed disdain for non-black America by ill-informed black America armed with misinformation salted with tainted ideas.  Thanks for pointing out our shortcomings.