Buzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

Living on the Eastern Shore one can easily find sage advice about the environment, and most is accurate.

One of these adages is “Red sky at night, sailor’s delight; red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning.”  This refers to the way the sun reflects off the cloud cover thereby creating a prismatic effect which makes the sky appear different colors at different times.

Actually, it’s pretty accurate in predicting inclement weather for the beach-goers and water-lovers.

Then, we arrive at the one about food.  The Shore is covered with crops to include soy beans, potatoes, wheat, tomatoes, and corn.

Although I get awfully excited about Shore produce, I get especially giddy about its corn.  Driving down this narrow strip of land, one can see corn growing for mile upon mile. 

The corn adage is “Knee high by the Fourth of July.”  This means that a good, healthy, abundant crop can be expected.  This year’s crop was head-high on July 4^th which may mean we’ll be paving roads with corn cobs.

Finally we have the adage I coined to describe the bug situation on The Shore.  “If it’s June, you’ll be swarmed with mosquitoes the size of hummingbirds until November.”

Of course it’s not as catchy as the weather and corn adages but, it is every bit as accurate. 

If you’ve never been to The Shore, you are missing swarms of hungry mosquitoes buzzing about your head, arms, and legs.  They regularly bite through clothing and, if you wear glasses, sneak behind them to try to attack your eyelids.

Bug spray sometimes works, but not always.  I regularly mow my lawn and can attest to the voracity of these annoying creatures.

While we’re on the subject of bug juice, let me try to explain something about its chemical make up form a non-scientific view.

With the diseases spread by skeeters, local “officials” are quick to help control the spread of maladies such as malaria, West Nile virus, dengue fever, and yellow fever.  This year we have a new disease called Zika, which is a virus spread by – among other methods – mosquitoes.

Those previously mentioned officials suggest we empty plant saucers and clean rain gutters to eliminate breeding areas for these buzzing pests.  Aerial spraying is too expensive and would likely take precious tax dollars away from vital programs such as the local library.

In the meantime, we’ll deal with malformed babies, flu-like symptoms, and death in lieu of spending monies for pest eradication.  Job well done!

Still, you can use bug spray on your exposed body parts to repel any flying threat bent on exsanguination.  Keep in mind that I sprayed up with this juice and it literally melted my watch crystal. 

On my lower extremities, this lubrication came in contact with kitchen chair leg.  It actually removed the paint and glued it to my leg.

If it removes paint, how good can it be for your skin?

In any case, I’d like to change my personal adage to “I wish Accomack County officials would do the jobs their paid for.”

Get a Job

A couple of weeks ago we went over a list of summer distractions in the form of crazes.  We decided this year’s leader was the kayak.  We were wrong.

Back some years, kids world-wide were agog with cards, little disks, and stickers that sported characters in the children’s world of Pokémon.

Today, however, things have become hi-tech with the advent of the Pokémon Go app for cellular phones and tablets.

It would appear as though the longing for the Pokémon cards and games of yore have been reincarnated for the smartest generation in history.

This Pokémon Go app is a reality, location-based mobile game for people with too much time on their hands.

Back when I was a kid between school years, I spent my summers with a phone stuck on a wall in the kitchen, and I had a job.  If this Pokémon Go stuff was available then, I’d be too out of touch to compete.

In any case, the smartest generation in history is actively engaging in spending this summer toting their precious cell phone about, eyes glued to the screen, wandering apparently aimlessly about the planet.

Aha!  They are not, though.  Pokémon Go provides electronic clues that lead game-players about the countryside, being led there by characters superimposed on their phone screens.

This sort of e-scavenger hunt demands participants attempt to use those appendages called “legs” to actually walk from location-to-location in attempt to follow the Pokémon Go characters.  Winners receive e-coins that are pretty much valueless to anyone needing food, rent, or tuition money, though.

The good news is that the world’s smartest generation in history are actually learning to breathe outdoor air and getting to exercise limbs other than their thumbs.

The bad news is, just like those dangerous kayaks from a few weeks ago, Pokémon Go also introduces an element of danger to life.

Clever street thugs have already figured a way to include their own real-world landmarks into the Pokémon Go game.  This makes for easy takings when the avid, unsuspecting game players haplessly wander into pre-designed remote traps and are summarily relieved of their valuables.

Now, they are not only proven nerds but, they are proven nerds without cell phones and cash.  They would have been better off getting that pesky summer job, eh?

Alas, we arrive at the really dangerous part of the world’s smartest generation in history engaging in Pokémon Go competition.  Over the past few days – remember this app was just unveiled in July 2016 – several people have died while conducting their critical e-scavenger hunts.

One player was stabbed by a group of men in a California park while playing Pokémon Go.  And, two men fell off a bluff while playing the game, also in The Golden State. 

Thank God these folks are representative of the world’s smartest generation in history.  Just imagine what trouble my generation would have gotten us into.

Baffled By Victory

For months we have been hearing about the presidential candidates and what a debacle the race is.

"Sorry I hit you so hard."

Donald Trump entered the primary on the Republican ticket in June 2015, and has been in the lead ever since.  Much to the chagrin of dyed-in-the-wool Republicans, he has been vocal in his intentions and crass in his actions.

Those are not necessarily bad things when discussing Republicans.  True conservative Republicans are best described as stoic.  For eons we heard about fighting Democrats by Marquis of Queensberry rules.

Those rules were established in the sport of boxing to make things fair, eliminating dirty fighting.  Unfortunately, the Democrats don’t follow those rules of fair play, and even wind up lying about it.

With the scales tipped out of kilter, Republicans have been boxed into near oblivion over the past decade and seem to be asking for more of the same - an ardent attempt to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory.

Republican purists believe all their fellow Republicans are cut form the same cloth.  Anti-abortion, pro-gun, anti-gay, pro-religion, anti-clean energy, pro-big business, and so on, are the way every Republican is expected to think.

Some of my favorite columnists and pundits have left me behind to express their displeasure that Americans – by a wide margin – favor Mr. Trump over his Republican opponents, and they are not ashamed to do so.

But by calling people such as I names, because I don’t walk in lockstep with their opinions and desires, they are alienating us thereby aiding and abetting the “enemy.”

Complaints arose about Trump berating a handicapped reporter, maligning illegal aliens, and calling for national security by closing the immigration floodgates.  None of these are punishable by death, however you wouldn’t know it by listening to the anointed speak.

George Will, Charles Krauthammer, Glenn Beck, L. Brent Bozell, Mona Charen, Dana Loesch, William Krystol, Ed Meese, Katie Pavlich, and a host of others, have made it clear that their opinions should matter more than mine.

They have been beating up Trump and his supporters because they say he is a Democrat-in-disguise, and not to be trusted.  They contend he flip-flopped on issues, and he is a friend of Hillary Clinton.  Oh, my.

Still, the cerebral elite two paragraphs above sat silently by when Barack Hussein Obama ran for office, became President, and ran for a second term.  Perhaps it’s because they wanted to avoid being labeled racists.  Perhaps they simply forgot about their Republican buddies just elected to the Congress and Senate who sat on their hands just to ensure re-election.  Perhaps they were unaware that President Ronald Reagan reached across “the aisle” to have regular lunches with Democrat Speaker Tip O’Neill.

In any case, they amusingly patter-on about how the Democrats are eating their own and exhibit schadenfreude as a result.

Trump is making promises and may deliver or not, if elected.  Yet, he is offering more hope to frustrated Americans who have been waiting for the Republican-majority Congress and Senate to do more than file their nails for the past several years.

The idea is for traditional Republicans to capitalize on winning elections and subsequent seats.  They now have a huge majority of what they want, and instead of embracing the masses, they would rather alienate those voters because they’re not as smart as the pundits.

That may just be a way to congratulate President Hillary.

Anchors Aweigh

It seems as through each year we find another distraction from life in the form of entertainment.  This year is no different.

One year in the 1960’s, the big distraction was the Hula Hoop.  It didn’t take long for those plastic rings to appear on television shows in the form of competition, in the movies luring hunky guys in California and Hawaii, and eventually trash cans across America.

Another year it was a contraption that allowed kids to create giant bubbles.  One year the mass-diversion was the Razor scooter, and roller skates were the passion.  Eventually those evolved into yet another rage as those popular roller skates evolved into rollerblades.

Soon, hospitals across the nation were full of broken bone patients as the distractions moved to more sedate activities such as collecting stuffed animals, Pokemon junk, and colored rubber bands to make fashionable jewelry.  Oh yeah.

Today we find ourselves totally recuperated and ready to support a whole new generation of professional first and second responders.

The newest American diversion is the kayak.  Yes, not only dangerous on land, but also possibly deadly in the water, kayaks seem to be the link between life and death.

If you haven’t left your living room in a decade, a kayak is similar to a canoe, only more treacherous.

These Inuit hybrid creations can be found all over the Eastern Shore, and beyond.  A key element to using one is water, and The Shore has plenty of it.

They can be rented by the hour, day, or week.  Alas, they cannot be rented by the minute because rentals would be quickly returned, otherwise.

For your information, the first lesson before a rental kayak can be used is clearly laid out in the rental agreement.  You have no rights, as your heirs don’t either.  Life jackets are important.  And, the first maneuver learned is how to upright the capsized vessel.

Nonetheless, these death traps are all the rage.

They can be had in plastic or wood.  Even Walmart sells them.  They are visible on the roof of every yuppie’s electric car, and prominently displayed at all the bicycle and umbrella rental joints.  Prices vary.

If you stand near the marsh, inlet, and bay shores, you can easily catch a glimpse of one of these unstable boats being piloted by equally unstable thrill-seekers.

You can usually hear them coming.  The dead give-away is one person yelling at their partner, or kids, to “hurry-up and paddle; we ain’t got all day!” 

I intentionally left out the “stop crying” part so as not to indict the patriarchs in child custody court.

In any case, if you really want one of these vacation/morale boosters, just wait until next year.  You’ll be able to get one at your local second-hand store for pennies on the dollar.

Until then, wear your life jackets!