False Advertising

Over the past several spring weeks, it has rained 18-days on The Eastern Shore.  Now it is expected to rain another five consecutive days as a result of Tropical Storm Bonnie making her way up the Atlantic seaboard.

That needed to be mentioned because all that sogginess has set my planting clock back nearly two weeks.  But I digress.

A brief respite from precipitation offered an opportunity to rush outdoors to try to start some plants that I fully expect to bloom before Halloween.

Over the abnormally-cold and snowy winter I ardently searched for some plants with a “wow factor.”

To me, a wow factor is something that makes people stop and look, then look again to ensure they are not looking at a dream.

In the automotive world, my wow factor is an AC Cobra, created by Carroll Shelby to compete against Ferraris in the 1960’s.  He manufactured these two-seat beasts out of welded framing on which an aluminum body sat; powering these devils was a 427 cubic inch engine.  But I digress, again.

Last year’s wow factor plants were Gladiolus.  A variety of colors, including red, yellow, maroon, pink, white, and violet, helped create a garden that generated plenty of eye-candy.

Forty of these bulbs returned this year to, hopefully, reinstitute interest that will invoke more oohs and aahs from neighbors and passers-by, alike.

In addition, those of you not familiar with The Shore might want to take note that mosquitoes abound aplenty.  The county sends a spraying plane over the town to kill they nasty critters, usually just ahead of a good rain.

You see, skeeter eggs hatch with the benefit of water; standing water in flower pots, drainage ditches, rain gutters, and even just expelled saliva in the form of spit, will cause thousands of these disease-carrying pests to develop into full blown blood suckers.

To counter this exercise in exsanguination, I planted an all-natural plant to ward-off these disease-carrying machines – Yarrow.

Yarrow is used for flavoring beer, making tea, healing wounds, and killing mosquito larvae.  This seemed like a win-win plant as I could envision myself drinking beer without fear of being attacked by thirsty mosquitoes.

Two plants made their way into my shopping cart and were summarily planted into decorative pots.  And all was well.

Then I began perspiring after mowing the lawn.  The sweat droplets hatched a new generation of the blood-sucking nemeses.  Short of weaving a suit and matching fedora from this plant, mosquitoes were not impressed.

Bottom line: Yarrow doesn’t work.

This year’s wow factor, however, is another perennial, Eryngium Blue Sea Holly.  Although it’s too

Eryngium Blue Sea Holly

early to tell how they will finally look, the package displays an ocean of these plants that appears to be quite attractive.

As an aside, Eryngium is grown for use as food, herbs, and even a remedy for scorpion stings.

Recalling my experiment with Yarrow, and the bleak results of its ability to repel mosquitoes, was an important factor in my plant-buying decision.

It’s a very good thing The Eastern Shore is short on scorpion populations.

Wrong Again

Yesterday I made my tri-annual visit to my doctor.  I visit him several times a year because I have 

good insurance and he makes payments on his new sailboat.  But, I digress.

He told me to stop losing weight and start drinking beer!

Well, not actually.  Just the opposite is true.

We argued about the dramatic change in the Earth’s gravitational pull, which was the true cause of my weight gain.  He didn’t think that was the case, I differed.  I pointed out that the magnetic poles were shifting and likely affected the gravity.  I don’t think he bought it.

This morning, though, while watching the national news, a story was run extolling the virtues of beer.

It seems research scientists have been holding out on me the fact drinking one beer a day can help fight off several debilitating illnesses.  Having two a day is even better in fighting off cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.  Hard to believe, but true.

So a call to my doctor was attempted until my sainted wife snatched the phone from my normally gun-clinging fingers.

“You’re not going to call your doctor?” was more of an exclamation rather than a question from my sainted wife.

“Sure I am!” was my retort as a question more than an exclamation.

This banter continued until Smokey the cat interceded.

It isn’t often that I am this right on this many levels.  Besides, I was thirsty.

My logic was based on science from that beer study, combined with fact most of my acquaintances drink beer in copious quantities.  And, they’re all pretty healthy.  They’re alive, anyway.

During my college days I conducted my own extensive personal study on beer consumption by attending countless mixers, associating with fellow drinking collegians, and sampling every lager known to man. 

That extensive research was inconclusive.

Not to brag but, I was vying for the U.S. Olympic Beer Drinking Team.  Unfortunately, Foster Brooks beat me out for a position.

But using those news story facts as a barometer gave me justification to argue with most medical professionals, including my doctor.  After all, I’m paying him.

He wasn’t impressed with my debating skills.  He did ask me whether left or right was the starboard side.

I suggested he phone my sainted wife for an answer since she has them all.

Unglued

I love to share news, and although this news is not necessarily good or bad, you will be the first to hear it.

It’s official!  The world has come unglued.

Ferguson, Missouri, rioters are hailed as “heroes” for standing up to a police industrial complex who killed a street thug, who just assaulted a shop owner, and refused to heed police orders.  Bravo!

Weasels, under the guise of “women’s rights” protectors, are murdering innocent babies in order to sell their little organs.  Imbeciles applaud these measures in the vein of “women’s health.”  They are funded by federal tax dollars.  Bravo!

A local chairperson of the NAACP is found to be a white woman.  She claims to be a black woman.  She was born to two white parents.  FYI, the NAACP is the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.  Colored people are not white people.  Bravo, again!

The mentally ill jerk that killed a slew of students at a community college in Oregon was black.  The media desperately tried to portray him as white, including linking him to white supremacist activities, and even tinting his photo to make him look white.  Bravo!

Some Florida guy was arrested because he broke into a house and vandalized it because, according to him, he listened to too much music and masturbated too much, which made him go crazy and destroy stuff.  No word yet on how the judge felt about this cretin.

The Republican Party wanted to win the presidential election in 2016, but only if their chosen candidate is selected by its delegates.  Citizen favorites need not apply because they are not part of the establishment.  Read: You’re not going to screw Americans like we have been doing for decades.

In a related matter, stupid Americans are protesting Donald Trump’s promise to build a wall to keep illegal foreigners and terrorists out.  They claim racism.  They are imbeciles.

Just as inane, singer Bono, from U2 fame, has a stellar plan to defeat ISIS.  ISIS is the Islamic State of Iran and Syria.  Bono suggests the United States send comedians to Syria to make fun of them and make them laugh.  No lie.  Did I mention this genius is a singer?

A woman was let into a Florida funeral home to use the bathroom.  Instead, she slipped into a viewing room and stole a ring from a displayed customer’s finger.  Too bad it was a 99-cent plastic ring, and too bad she was caught on video.  Now she can’t lie about this scenario.

At the corner of dumb and dumber, we find college-aged pukes who feel the rest of America should pay for their college education.  It’s clear they didn’t learn anything about the financial world up until this point making them too ignorant to attend college, or vote.

And while we’re on the subject of paying for things, those highly skilled burger flippers are demanding a raise in pay to $15+ and hour.  Once again, those uninformed deadbeats would rather gouge their customers than better themselves by obtaining a degree or a marketable skill.  Not to worry, robots will replace them within five-years.

Lastly, Pope Francis offered his two cents about those pesky, unvetted Syrian refugees that President Barack Hussein Obama so desperately wants to bring to America.  The Pope seems to think we are being selfish in denying scores of these possible terrorists entry into our country.  I’ll bet Pope Francis is opening the doors of the Vatican as I write.

Didn’t I tell you the world is unglued?

Bully, Bully

President Theodore Roosevelt used “bully” as an adjective of commendation during his term in office from 1901 – 1909.

At the time I’m sure it was as fashionable as everyone using the word “amazing,” today.

Over the past ten years, or so, we’ve been hearing about something totally different, bullying.

Bullying is what some people or groups do to intimidate others for any reason including power, attention, compensation, and entertainment.

We heard the stories about school thugs who bully fellow students and goad them into fighting, cowering, or even committing suicide.

A national effort arose to make parents and teachers aware of the signs of bullying, along with possible solutions.  And it was mostly feel-good rather than substantive.

Kids still picked on others and parents showed how they condoned such behavior by even videotaping the acts of intimidation.

And now we are back to square one in the battle.

A goofy group named Black Lives Matter has been bullying presidential candidates on the campaign trail.  Everyone is afraid to condemn these characters because of the sacred racial aspect.

Enter Donald Trump, a candidate for Chief Executive, who has garnered nation-wide attention and admiration for his outspokenness and frankness.

It seems as though the college pukes in America who are anti-Trump are bullying other students by crying about how Mr. Trump exudes racism.  There are no details attached thereto, just an accusation.

A fraternity had made a symbolic wall on the Mexican border out of sandbags.  Black students trespassed on the fraternity’s property to disassemble that wall by throwing the sandbags into the street.  Evidently the black’s right to freedom of speech trumped the fraternity’s.

People who are being forced to quit smoking are threatened with job loss because of an addiction.  They are required to smoke outside because others feel their personal actions are detrimental or merely offensive.

And now the mere belief that global climate change is not real is subject to physical restraint and perhaps “re-education.”  That was a term used by the Soviets as an excuse to imprison citizens in Gulags, FYI.

All these are examples of bullying that affect everyone, not just children.  It seems as though the little school bullies grew up to bully the rest of us.

It is time to stop playing nice and tell the bullies to take a long walk off a short pier.

Busted

Just yesterday I was watching a television show called COPS.  It is one of the longest running shows on TV, and follows law enforcement folks on-the-job as they apprehend nefarious felons.

Every once in a while there is an episode that sticks out, I feel, because of the sheer stupidity of the criminals and their associated excuses for committing their illegal deeds.

Last night’s show was particularly entertaining as the police were attempting to stop a vehicle with no working tail lights.  It seems the driver was in a decided hurry to be elsewhere and didn’t stop when the police turned on their lights and siren,

As a public service from EasternShoreFishAndGame.com, when the police turn on their lights and siren, you are, by law, supposed to stop immediately.  You’re welcome.

The fleeing driver did not, and the pursuit began.

We learned throughout the pursuit that the vehicle-in-question was, in fact, stolen.

Upon crashing the car into an immovable tree, the fleeing retard began his escape attempt on foot.

Not being an athlete – likely as a result of his regular ingestion of crack cocaine – this future felon had some difficulty out running a policeman wearing fifty pounds of gear, and carrying 25-plus years of doughnuts on this feeble attempt at freedom.  By the way, the cameraman and audio guy nearly outran them all.

When captured a short distance later, the somewhat angry policeman handcuffed this turd and began the search for contraband.  A variety of debris was removed from pockets, including lint, some crack, and a handy utensil for smoking it.

Not smiling because of his unexpected workout, the cop seemed delighted these goodies were found on his prey.

The captured fellow expressed surprise that could win an Oscar when the illegal business was removed from his trousers.

“These ain’t my pants!” exclaimed the criminal, attempting to explain the drugs and drug pipe found in his immediate possession.

He claimed he bought the pants a day earlier and didn’t check to see if anything was in the pockets.

This afternoon my sainted wife caught a glimpse of the t-shirt I was wearing.

“Oh, my God!  Where did those spots come from?” she shouted.

Using my experience from COPS, I proudly announced, “It’s not my shirt.”

I could immediately tell that she knew that was not the truth, probably faster than the cop in yesterday’s episode.

She gave me that stare, and I tried to return it.  Nothing worked.

I took my lumps for being the messiest eater on The Shore.

Busted.