For some years now we have been
hearing about the benefits of fiber.
Advertisers use words like “regular,” and “healthy.” Those are code words.
In case you don’t use fiber,
regular and healthy mean you’ll be in the bathroom quite often. Regular describes the trips you’ll make –
roughly every 1 ½ hours, and healthy means you will be sitting most of the
day. This is known as the laws of
unintended consequences. Or maybe not. But, I digress.
A code word I now need to use is
“offensive.” That word describes the
environment during, and immediately after, your visit to the porcelain
convenience.
We have a spray ready and waiting
for such emergencies. But because I
don’t do a lot of the grocery shopping that spray is marginal.
The aerosol can I picked up was
labeled “fresh linen.” Upon spraying, I
realized that fresh linen smelled like nothing I had ever smelled before, and
it was nearly ineffective. Its weak
aromatic properties force me to apply the fresh linen air neutralizer to the walls
in the form of spray paint.
Finally being able to open the
door, both my sainted wife and Smokey the cat became weak and were on the verge
of fainting.
A new solution was in order.
This time I was going to make the
selection from the air freshener department at my local supermarket. There, I discovered why we had fresh linen
flavor available on the toilet tank.
I came across such aerosols as
“cashmere woods,” “summer rain,” and “Hawaiian breeze.” None of those appealed to my thought association
senses so I decided to try them out.
Hawaiian breeze smelled like
pineapples with a touch of lime and mango, summer rain reminded me of a wet
shower stall, while cashmere woods harkened me to damp sawdust in my workshop.
I opted for “pine vistas” which was
the last air freshener I was allowed to spray before the store manager
suggested it was time for me to leave his hoity-toity establishment.
Evidently this assortment of
sprays was melding together to create an airborne ocean of smells that, when
combined, resembled following a garbage truck.
The pine vistas odor eliminator was
working well until my sainted wife complained it too closely resembled a
Christmas tree. I never knew her to be
anti-fir, but you never really know someone.
On the other hand, Smokey enjoys
anything better than unadulterated fiber results. He’s even using it for his litter box, now.
