S.O.S.

Today is special if you live near the mid-Atlantic region; you are alive.

Over the weekend, a snowstorm of epic proportions struck the East Coast with a fury that is rare.

El Niño, the Spanish name for “Al Gore was wrong,” appears to be the culprit of most inclement weather being felt in America.

Allow me to explain: The jet stream moves downward because of political gasbags spewing all sorts of nonsense, thereby creating warm air beyond all hope.  That combined with ocean business – maybe tides – causes the Moon to wobble, thereby creating blind tsetse flies that mate out of wedlock on Tuesdays.

All that translates into what Weather Channel folks term “lots of snow.” 

Having lived in the Washington, DC, area for several decades helped me become acquainted with not only the threat of snow, but the behavior of people from the Seat of Government.

People there laugh at terroristic threats, crime, drug shootings, and extreme parking fines.  But call for a shoebox full of snow to fall and the masses go nuts.

Speaking of nuts, Spike Lee is probably apoplectic over the “whiteness” of the snow.

Local weathermen and weatherwomen and any other suffix that will elate you delight in scaring the begezuz out of sophisticated Washingtonians to the point of inciting mayhem at the local supermarkets.

Oddly enough I regularly kept bread, beer, hot dogs, and ice in my fridge.  Those provisions were there because I often got hungry.  I also owned a shovel in case a politician stopped by to add political promises to my lawn.  But I digress.

So it was with interest that I listened when the overly-educated WDC residents were instructed to purchase pre-snowfall bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper.

Warnings like this seem unnecessary to well-prepared individuals living outside The Beltway however, you’re talking common sense here.  There is little of that inside The Beltway.

Upon being given those marching orders, the masses would storm the supermarkets to loot the shelves of bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper.  Even those that were lactose intolerant would scarf up cartons of milk, buttermilk, even eggnog, “just in case.”

Perhaps that “just in case” meant the snow would linger longer than the usual two days.  Of course stores were all within walking distance so transportation to and fro was not the issue.  Rather it was “I need to get mine before it runs out.”

Alas, food shortages are not the main problem during large snowstorms.  Instead the issue is likely power outages caused by snow-weighted utility lines and nearby trees.

So all those provisions desperately fought for “just in case” will probably spoil unless strategically placed outside in the snow.  Note of caution: Keep rummaging dogs, crows, and rodents away from your stash.

Still, I’m baffled as to how everyone in the Washington Metropolitan Area would enjoy their bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper. 

I’ll bet as French toast on the commode.

Bass Ackward

We’re an amazing lot.  If we are pro-women, we want a woman for whom we can vote.  But, it can’t be any woman.  It must be a pre-selected woman; Hillary, not Carly.  Black candidates should be represented by Barack, not Ben.

The same holds true with science.  Global climate change is fashionable so, it must be true.  As such, society must recycle and drive vehicles made of papier mache or the planet will succumb to humanity.

And when people want to have children in today’s world, they can, and do, consult with the medical community in an effort to produce offspring that are disease-free.  Some parents are even going so far as to select their progeny’s hair and eye color via DNA treatment.

This was a news story on a local TV channel two weeks ago, and has had me fuming ever since.  Of course I don’t want children to suffer from a preventable health problem for any reason.

However, those children that are managed in labs are perplexing to me.

I dare say society, as a majority, tends to scream loudly when visiting a grocery store selling vegetables that are not labeled as to how they were grown.

Because of droughts, pestilence, flooding, diseases, and sunlight and climate variations, scientists have developed seeds for crops that can withstand most or all of the above challenges.

A few short weeks of drought can leave entire countries without food but, these genetically modified (GM) foods can endure such harsh conditions.

The easily misled among us are apoplectic about these GM foods making their way into America’s food supply, and they want to avoid these crops, wholesale.

Included in these GMs are salmon, and other seafood, that can easily sustain down-and-out cultures world-wide that need food to prevent starvation.

For some reason, such manipulation of the genetics of these foodstuffs is viewed as evil and dangerous.

On the other hand, tweaking physical features of babies is applauded as forward-looking, and promising for future generations.

You can’t have it both ways.  You must select, and GM foods hold promise to the hungry on Earth, and are far more important than a child being born with red hair.

Sorry.

Suffering From the Fever

If you’re reading this before January 13, 2016, you are still eligible to be a billionaire.

You read that right.  For only two dollars, you can select numbers and, if correct, take home more money than most people collecting social services from the guvment.

This jackpot in the Powerball drawing will be at least $1,300,000,000.  For you trivia fans that’s about $900,000 a minute from the day Christ was born until today.

In other words, it’s more than a dollar a second for 30 years.  That’s a lot of money.

I’ve mentioned this to several strong-minded folks, and they all said the same thing: you’re not going to win so, save your money.

Of course these douchebags were affluent enough to not really need a large amount of “play cash.”  They have boats, high-end cars, expensive trucks, jet skis, and stately manors.  I don’t.

And a win would allow me to buy a house next door to any or all of these over-inflated pukes.  But why?

Because I could rub their noses in my easily found affluence, that’s why.  Each day they would go off to work I would be on my front lawn, perched atop 1985 Buick which is sitting on cinder blocks, with a pitcher full of martinis.

“Hey there neighbor!” I’d yell, hoisting a Mason jar adorned with three olives swimming in my icy concoction.  “Have a nice day!”

A bit if sputum from their lips aimed in my direction would bounce off their manicured Zoysia grass lawn, accompanied by a one-finger salute.

How great would that be?  But I digress.

The naysayers point out that you have a three times better chance to get struck by lightning, better chance of getting bitten by a shark, or dying from getting struck by an asteroid, than winning this cash.

And while that may be partially true – because I don’t swim in the ocean, and I carry an umbrella to ward-off flying space debris – at least I’m in the running; they’re not.

The odds of winning are 1:292,000,000.  That’s a lot.

Yet, the smartest person in the world is probably buying tickets just to help the economy.  Yep, President Obama is likely standing in line at J’s Convenience Store.  Maybe.

Good luck.