Blow Me

As children we are given coloring books and crayons to express ourselves.  Then, we are told to “stay between the lines.”  It seems as though if we color beyond those boundaries we are somehow bad people.

 

That thought came to me while in a bathroom at a Hardee’s restaurant last week.  I had just finished peeing and was washing my hands when I noticed there was no paper towel dispenser, only one of those useless blow dryers.

 

When I was a little kid I recall trying to dry my hands with one of those dryers, to no avail.  I recall reading the metal riveted sign that instructed the user to “rub hands vigorously,” again, to no avail.  I wiped my wet hands onto my trousers to reach the desired result.

 

The Hardee’s blow dryer produced similar results – none.  I left the men’s room with wet trousers and semi-dry hands.

 

It wasn’t as much the moist britches as much as it was the instructions that began to bother me.  After fifty years of wiping my hands on my pants I realized I was still following the instructions by vigorously rubbing my hands together.

Suddenly my mind switched gears to 1964.  That was the year the federal guvment mandated seat belts be installed in all cars.

 

I have been using seat belts for over a half-century in cars, airplanes, and on amusement park rides.  I would say I have some experience.

 

Alas, instructions about their use still abound.  On the sun visor is an ugly sticker that gives both written and pictorial directions for anyone who just awoke from a five-decade coma, or an Obama supporter.

 

On every flight I’ve ever taken, the stewardesses or flight chicks, or whatever their current title is, stand in the aisle with a miniature seatbelt.  They plug one end into the other and then demonstrate how to uncouple the pieces.  After roughly 400 visual examples, I have yet to learn anything new.

 

Keeping all this in mind, I feel that each traffic light and every stop sign should have a sign posted that explains the procedure for behavior at that junction.  I’ve witnessed many drivers simply roll through stop signs and drive willy-nilly across lanes of traffic without even slowing.  (Hence the installation of red-light cameras.)

 

In all my years I have never seen a person on a just-landed airplane frantically calling for an air chick to help them unbuckle their seatbelt.

 

Likewise, I have yet to spot a skeleton inside an automobile that spent their final days attempting to undo their safety belt.

 

Why are all those instructions given when we clearly know how to do things? 

 

My suggestion for all this insaneness is to  stop with all those nonsensical instructions and spend that time and money on building something that will actually dry hands.

 

I think I’ll invent a paper towel.

We Made It

This year is the 45^th anniversary of that great secular celebration, Earth Day.  It was in the late 1960’s that Paul R. Ehrlich, renowned scientist, that brought much of this about.

 

Ehrlich, in case you missed it, wrote a well-received book about the population explosion on the planet.  He insisted the masses were responsible for the Earth’s ills and should be controlled (read: exterminated) to help the cause.

 

The simple elimination of only 2 billion people would certainly assist in saving our orb home.

 

As such, Ehrlich penned a paper about the climate of our surroundings and cited the production of greenhouse gases as the primary culprit in his theory on climate change.  Of course, these gases were the result of people.

 

His paper was alarmist in nature and only caught the attention of the media in the mid-1970’s, five years after the inaugural Earth Day.

 

Ehrlich’s paper, unbeknownst to the masses, was warning the world was cooling.  A great ice age was soon to descend on the Earth and freeze people to death.  In fact, the rest of the scientific community insisted it was warming.

 

Clearly someone was wrong.  Unfortunately, cash-flush politicians used American’s money to change our behavior and lecture us on how we should change our ways to save the planet.

 

But, who was right – the global coolers, or the global warmers?

 

Somewhere along those 44 years neither could be confirmed or denied as the truth-as-fact.  So, they were both declared correct by calling our contrived problem neither cooling nor warming.  It was a draw.

 

“Climate change” was to be the official moniker for spending countless dollars and increasing taxes to do so. 

 

Resurrect Al Gore.  Former Vice President Gore, appearing to need a tan and diet, has been making noise lately about climate change.  This is the same Al Gore that has been dutifully collecting carbon credits from businesses to offset their production of those nasty greenhouse gases, and putting that cash into the Al Gore suit pocket and private jet fund.

 

Oddly enough, President Barack Hussein Obama, amid terrorist attacks, internal corruption, involvement in overseas election scandals, starting new wars, new-found racial strife, and Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, has just declared climate change as the top priority affecting our country.

 

Huh?

 

In any case, for nearly half a century we have been listening to half-baked “climatologists” berate us common folk as being too stupid to understand the dire situation in which we are residing.  Still, they can’t agree on if we are approaching a warming or cooling period.

 

Nonetheless, we must take our medicine and bow neatly from the waist.  Gore recently announced climate change deniers should be punished because they don’t believe in “the cause.”

 

Meanwhile, we should be thankful we dodged a major bullet that Ehrlich predicted in 1968 that we would run out of food in the 1970’s and 1980’s, causing mass starvation.  I must have missed that crisis.

TMI

Some years ago the phrase du jour was, “That’s TMI.”  No, no.  You’re thinking of TMJ, the jaw problem that was all the rage in the 80’s and 90’s.  TMI is an abbreviation for “too much information.”

 

TMI used to be interjected into conversations when the listener thought they were being bombarded by more information than they needed.  In other words, they were performing the service of censors.

 

A good example of TMI is, “So I got me a five-minute shower this morning, but it took me nearly 20-mintues to clean my back hair from the drain.”

 

“Ugh!  That’s TMI!” was the normal response to that statement.  Of course the listener issued a fake sense of disgust because, as mammals, we all have hair somewhere on our bodies.  That hair falls out and winds-up clogging the drain of the shower.  Amen.

 

But the you-know-them-types of women, who looked as though they just stepped out of a trailer with their bouffant hair-dos and makeup that seems to have been applied by Ringling Brothers, are the first ones to cough up the letters TMI.  But, I digress.

 

Those aren’t the people to whom I’m referring in this space.  No, the subjects of today’s blog are the ones who leave out important details and still feel it necessary to over explain the unnecessary stuff.

 

“I’ll meet you for breakfast at 8:00 AM in the morning.”

 

That sentence contains TMI.  Traditionally, I eat breakfast in the morning.  I also recall from my school days that 8:00 AM is in the morning.  Where, would be a better detail to add.

 

Another fine illustration is when people tell you where they live or are from.  “I was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan.”

 

TMI, again.

 

I’m certain I would have guessed that the Detroit to which they were speaking was located in Michigan.

 

The same holds true for Pittsburgh, Tampa, Schenectady, and Los Angeles.  You do not need to add the state as if the listener just awoke from a coma only to learn that Denver was moved to Illinois.

 

I know this sounds petty but, those same folks who feel compelled to include TMI omit critical details about other not-so-obvious things like locations, parking availability, or quantities left.  I hate to drive 45 miles only to discover they just sold the last one, or they moved to a new, more convenient location.

 

In any case, pay close attention to speakers to verify my concerns.  And remember to return for another new topic next Monday.  TMI.

Batter Up!

Not Mark McGwire

Baseball season has begun and already teams are preparing for post season play.  But, they should be more interested in what is happening today and some events in the distant past.

 

A comedian, George Carlin, once did a bit about the difference between baseball and football.  It was amusing and concise.  Baseball was for the weaker members of society, while football was for real men.

 

Not a month goes by without some monumental story about a football player sustaining a concussion while engaging their sport.  Other players whine about back injuries, and still more complain about how they played injured, given high doses of pain-numbing pharmaceuticals to keep them in the game.

 

Now, these guys want pity and financial compensation for their pain and suffering.  Neither will help.  Common sense would have helped, though.

 

In any case, they didn’t balk and took their salaries with a needle sticking out of their arm.

 

 Enter Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire, both baseball players who, in 1998, were entrenched in a batting duel.  They each seemed to possess super-human skills that did not exist in prior seasons.

 

Each day brought a new stat to the baseball world with each hitting a home run or two in that days’ game.  The tally was astronomical and nearly everyone – except my sainted wife – was talking about these feats.  Sosa and McGwire’s goal was to beat Roger Maris’ home run record that has stood since 1961.

 

But, in 2005, both men appeared before Congress to explain why both tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.  Both denied the accusations.

 

These guys are not alone in their quest to outdo others in their sport as other baseball players, football players, bicycle riders, swimmers, gymnasts, and tennis players have all tested positive for these banned substances.

 

In fact, I feel they should be able to use any drug necessary to enhance their game as they clearly cannot compete with other athletes that do not use augmentations.  I would love to see a 400 pound baseball player step-up to the plate with arms so big they resemble telephone poles.

 

If their use of those substances helps them garner a few more dollars in pay-for-play, so be it.

 

But, I don’t expect to hear any crying about how their minds were turned to mush by steroids, or how they have developed bleeding in their joints, ruptured tendons, or brittle bones.

 

Baseball is about as perfect a game as it gets.  Big guys that can hit well don’t have to run the bases quickly.  Little guys who can run don’t need to drive the ball out of the park.  And mediocre players can stand in the outfield all day long to work on their tans.

 

While you read this, I hope you thought of Pete Rose.  He was the fellow who was banned-for-life from baseball because as a manager he admitted to gambling on games.  It should be noted he said he never gambled on his team losing.

 

Rose has been denied a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame as a result, even though he eventually admitted he did gamble.

 

Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Sammy Sosa, and Mark McGwire are all eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame.  All used steroids, all lied about, and all have been exonerated.  It’s time for Pete Rose.