Twenty Dollars Plus

It was an epiphany.  Just last evening I was trying to watch some inane television – using this medium as a sleep aid.  The hour was not too late but, that day was chock full of excitement that needed quelling.

 

Religiously, after exactly five minutes and 30 seconds, up popped a series of ads that gave me a deep look into my shallow existence.

 

Somehow, my life took a turn away from things critical to my survival and toward austerity.  This had to stop immediately.

 

First up was an advertisement for some sort of knee brace that instantly eliminated back and leg pain.  I was told the brace was absolutely necessary to help my sedentary life turn into one of dancing and field-goal kicking.  The New York Giants should get a couple of these for their special teams players.  But, I digress.

 

They were available for the modest sum of $20, plus shipping and handling.  But wait!  For only the cost of shipping and handling, I could get a second brace.  Shipping and handling amounted to eight bucks, each.  So, for $36, I could get a knee brace for each knee, rather than limping because I only had one.

 

Then we slid into an ad for an electric callous trimmer.  Evidently there is some crisis in the fashion world that dictates women have callous-free tootsies.  Women’s feet are shown with elephant-like skin being magically transformed into baby-bottom soft appendages.  The secret is the 2500 RPM motor that spins the cutting disk.

 

These products have been around for years and could be found in the kitchen gadget department as a cheese grater.  These, too could be bought for another twenty plus eight dollars.

 

Not being done with all the hype, I was introduced to a spice organizer shelf system.  Oddly enough, just last week, I was saying, to Smokey the cat, “I wish I had a spice organizer shelf system.  I wonder why nobody makes one.”

 

Evidently they do.  Smokey and I were glued to the TV to get the details.  It seems as though these shelves are made from durable polystyrene that resist rust, and support barbells.  This is great because I was also thinking of storing my barbells in my spice cabinet.  All this for only the amazing amount of $20, plus shipping and handling.  Smokey had his checkbook handy.

 

But wait, there’s more!

 

Back to programming but, in another 5 ½ minutes, I was treated to more sales pitches.  After all these years, I failed to realize I needed an organically green frying pan.  This pan was guaranteed to prevent anything from sticking to it.

 

That was all well and good, but how did they get the organic coating stick to the pan?  That was perplexing.

 

This $20 frying pan seemed like the ticket to trouble-free cooking for years to come, providing there were no questions asked.

 

In this world of television hawking, I came across fixes for nearly everything, and some things I didn’t realize needed fixes.

 

Brownie pans that cut brownies while they’re baking, special pans to create taco shell bowls, devices that prepare the perfect hard-boiled egg, and special cloths that were reverse-engineered from debris found at the Roswell crash site, guaranteed to soak up the Pacific ocean in seconds.

 

This was a clear bonanza of must-haves and helped me create my Christmas shopping list for this year.

 

America is such a great place.

Not Guilty!

It wasn’t long ago when my sainted wife and I were stopped by a local law enforcement representative.  I won’t tell you who it was but, it rhymes with Maryland State Valise.  The State Valise trooper told me the speed limit was 55 MPH.  I was traveling well above that, at which point he explained the number on the sign represented the maximum amount rather than the minimum.  I stood corrected.

 

Fast-forward to yesterday when my sainted wife and I were watching a COPS marathon.  Nearly every show contained a traffic stop that involved the stopee jumping and running from the vehicle.

Along the way, these upstanding citizens of the community, who clearly fled because they “were scared,” tossed copious amounts of crack cocaine and various drug paraphernalia in an effort to have no evidence on them when they were duly nabbed by the constabulary.

 

Invariably, once caught, these perps would deny knowing anything about that contraband, even though their pharmaceutical littering was captured on videotape.

 

Some even had drugs tucked neatly into the pants they were wearing and explained that away by saying not only did they not realize the drugs were stuffed in the pockets, the pants were not theirs – the britches were simply borrowed from someone unknown.

 

Of course these candidates for canonization were innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.  But I digress.

 

During one the many commercials breaks a conversation ensued about when the appropriate time to flee from the authorities was appropriate.

 

This is a good time to explain that neither of us imbibes in illegal narcotics, legal marijuana, or even listen to Lady Gaga.  Our biggest offense is tipping a glass, or two, of wine or spirits in the form of Crown Royal.  That’s a hint for readers wishing to express their sincerest gratitude for these amusing stories.

 

Finding ourselves perplexed, we tried to conjure up a scenario for taking flight to avoid apprehension by the law.

 

Since we don’t drink and drive, carry illegal goods, tote concealed weapons, smuggle undocumented aliens, or beat up our fiancés inside elevators, there was little in the way of a foot chase for us in which to become engaged. 

 

Baffled, we arrived at this scenario:

While traveling on the highway designed for speeds of 70 MPH, we are stopped for exceeding the speed limit of 55 MPH.  As soon as the Maryland State Valise pull over, my sainted wife bolts from the car.

 

Immediately, a chase is on.  Although a humdrum one since my sainted wife has been collecting Social Security for some years, it is a chase, nonetheless.

 

She is sprinting at a blistering pace of two- to three-miles-per-hour, with the police huffing and puffing behind, akin to blue-tick hounds in pursuit of a fleeing raccoon.

 

Enroute to a safe haven, she tosses split-sized bottles of chardonnay and pinot grigio as she makes her Mercury-like escape.

 

Meanwhile, I dutifully complain to the backup trooper that I was stopped because of profiling, all-the-while repeating the sentence, “I didn’t do nothing!  I didn’t do nothing!”

 

Eventually, we both find ourselves standing in front of a judge with our public defender.  Our excuse for resisting arrest?  We were scared and, it wasn’t our wine.

 

“Good enough for me,” says the judge.  “You two are free to go.”

How Much?

Way back when, in 1952, Patti Page sang a song entitled, “My Jealous Eyes.”  The good news is that when you tired of that song, you could turn to the flip side of your ‘45’ to listen to, “(How Much For) That Doggie in the Window?”

 

A ‘45’ is a 45-RPM disc that was originally made of wax, and later of vinyl, eventually being dubbed a “record.”  Kids would go to a record store to buy their favorite record and listen to it on a hi-fi.  But, I digress.

 

For nearly three-minutes, we heard Ms. Page whine about getting a dog from a pet store to keep her boyfriend company in her absence.

 

Most notably is that she never gets the actual price of that dog.  This is a splendid example of why commerce is dying today.

 

Practically every business in the world has a website that touts their wares to anyone and everyone that visits.

 

Websites need the businesses to “rent” a domain name, which costs money.  Once established, they need someone to design and create the graphics of the site.  Often, professionals – with the business’ input – add photos, names, contact numbers, addresses, product lists, corporate information, that makes their product appealing to the masses.  Once again, an important thing to include is the price.

 

Too often, though, businesses omit the price because they want your contact information so that can badger you at a later date.

 

On paper, that strategy sounds great but, these companies never get my info because I don’t want to have to dicker with a salesperson three weeks from now, before I simply hang-up on them.  Suddenly, these clever marketers went from sale to no-sale in just a few seconds, with no chance of my returning to waste more time.

 

Try getting an idea how much new windows will cost.  Window manufacturers will show you frames made from wood, vinyl, or even aluminum, with varying numbers of glass panes, some with tinting, and a few with special gas sandwiched in between.

 

There is a basic cost to assemble these parts at which they must be sold in order for the seller to make a profit, and any extras will merely add to that cost.

 

Rather than simply giving that price, they will note that after a form is completed, a sales representative will call with “more information.”

 

These smarmy strategies can be found on vehicle websites, carpet and flooring sites, and those websites that want to install new bathrooms and kitchens.

 

I’m an adult and realize a new vehicle price is not the price for which I will buy that car or truck.  Added thereon will taxes, license plates, registration, and perhaps a “delivery fee,” whatever that is.  That truck had to be delivered somewhere; I don’t really know if I paid a “delivery fee” on my zucchini and cauliflower in the market. 

 

Besides, did they ship my new truck one-at-a-time or with seven others on a hauler?  Remember that each one is being charged that “delivery fee.”

 

I also expect that any carpeting I buy will cost me money for padding and installation, thereby adding to the advertised price.  I don’t need or expect some telephone clown to try to up-sell me on tack strips.

 

In any case, if you have a company and a website, simply add prices of your products or services if you’d like to sell anything so I don’t have to ask about that doggy in the window.

Random Thoughts II

Do those pokey left-lane drivers realize the “Slower traffic keep left,” signs means them?

 

Why is Brett Favre’s name not spelled F-A-R-V-E, the way he pronounces it?

 

When did the Dallas Cowboys become “America’s Team?”

 

There were no police shootings of blacks in Ferguson, Missouri, yesterday.

 

There were 11 shootings of blacks by blacks in Chicago last week.  No riots or demonstrations occurred.

 

Where is all the puffed rice on The Eastern Shore?

 

It should be illegal to sell stereo speakers in odd numbers.

 

Why don’t guys who mow lawns for a living own calendars?

 

Does anyone grow tomatoes in Accomack County?  I can only find ones grown in China.

 

Speaking of China, why does our fish come from there?  We live on a peninsula, for Gods’ sake!

 

Crabs should not cost $90 per bushel.

 

FYI, I leave the toilet seat up in case Hillary Clinton stops by.

 

I’ll wager that Michael Bloomberg is a stupid as he sounds.

 

Why does the Fiat 500E cost $22,000?  It’s only worth $7,000.

 

Does President Barack Hussein Obama still have a golf handicap?  If so, he should quit.

 

Whatever happened to Steely Dan?

 

I applaud Dan Snyder for keeping the Washington Redskins’ name intact.

 

Hardee’s makes the best burgers.  Five Guys are second.

 

Eric Holder sounds like a first-class douchebag.  But, I mean that in the nicest sense.

 

What I listened to as ‘rock and roll’ are now ‘oldies.’

 

Why do the stupidest people think they are smart?

 

Is everyone happy that the LA Clippers have a new owner?

 

The U.S. Navy is spineless to knuckle under to an offended atheist group and remove bibles from base hotels.  How will they be able to fight foreign enemies if they can’t handle these whiners?

 

People in Wales are pressing for a waiting period for knives.  Evidently they are the weapons-of-choice in lieu of outlawed guns.  Who would have guessed that?

 

Why is everyone suddenly on SSI?

 

Is the ebola virus contagious or not?  Please make up your mind and give us an honest answer.

 

I wish RoboCop was real.

 

Come back for more words of wisdom next week.