Still Getting the Shaft, Not the Mine

With my sainted wife out of town, I was forced to do something which I find absolutely deplorable – go grocery shopping.

 

A few years ago I penned a story about the high price of edibles, and even explored the gouging going on in the quaint world of farmers markets.

 

But today we are going to examine the sneaky price-raising that has become commonplace in America’s grocery stores.

 

Time was when you purchased things by the dozen.  Eggs, corn-on-the-cob, doughnuts, and bagels are just a few examples that were commonly sold in twelves.  The rare exceptions were hot dogs and hot dog buns which are sold in packs of ten and eight, respectively.   But, I digress.

 

Today, doughnuts and bagels are sold individually with no discount for quantity purchases.  It used to be that if you bought twelve, you would occasionally get a free one calling it a baker’s dozen.  That implies the last – or thirteenth one – was for the baker to taste to ensure top quality.

 

Corn-on-the-cob was also sold by the dozen.  No longer, though.  Now corn ears are sold by the dollar; three for a dollar, of four for a buck is routine.  With corn being raised in record amounts, the cost should be nearly free, rather it is expensive because so much is being used for export and for ethanol.

 

To divert our collective low intelligence, stores try to make such produce purchases seem as though they are bargains by lowering the amount of product instead of simply raising the price.

 

Along that same vein is coffee.  Coffee was once sold by the pound in bags, cans, or in bulk.  One magical day, the price of coffee changed from buying one pound cans to buying 13 ounce cans.  Three pound cans became 1 pound, 13.3 ounces.  That is quite a difference in sizes.  Three ounces for the pound can, 19.7 ounces for the three pound version, difference in product weight is now the rule.

 

Of course, the price per pound didn’t decrease, the size of the package did, giving the impression your food costs less.
 

Toilet paper is must-use for everyone.  My TP holders used to be full of toilet paper when a fresh roll was installed.  Little or no room behind the roll or side-to-side existed.  Not now.

 

Today’s TP rolls are at least an inch thinner and ¾” narrower, meaning you are getting thinner sheets that are smaller but, likely paying more than you did years ago.  Once again, perception that any price increase was a small one because you didn’t realize the size changes, too.

 

Cucumbers squash, and zucchini were sold individually for 25₵, each.  Yesterday, they were selling for the premium price of 97₵ per pound.  That calculated system means you’ll likely get only three cucumbers instead of four for a buck.
 

Once again, not exactly a jail-able offense but, still another way to sneakily get more money for less from the consumer.

 

Of course, it is not the fault of the grocer or road-side farmer that prices continue to creep up; the blame lies with the consumer who readily pays the price because they merely want the product.

 

Let us not forget we also bring our own bags to the store to “conserve” resources.  I believe the only resources we are saving are those of the supermarkets.

 

Instead of a cheap plastic sack, I would prefer a kiss on the cheek when I get screwed.  I’m just saying…

Knee Slapping

Repeated studies insist women find “a sense of humor” the number one trait that they find attractive in men.  They actually don’t.

 

And, most people, including my sainted wife, insist they have a good sense of humor, when, in fact, they have none.

 

Here’s a very funny joke:

 

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.
"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this: I'm naked in a refrigerator..."

 

Most recipients of this bit of levity don’t even smile likely because it is a long joke and their attention spans are limited.  But it is funny.

 

We live in dire times with drought, disease, and poverty, with no end in sight.  How about lightening up and laugh at the funny things and quit being to sensitive to everything.

Nick’s Name Nicknames

American Indians used to name their offspring after the first thing or event witnessed after the child’s birth.  This is where we get names such as Running Deer and Red Moon.  Perhaps this is where the name “Nick” originated; the baby’s dad cut himself shaving.  That’s just a guess.

 

Wading through life, I’ve met a slew of people from various walks of life, and enjoyed the company of most.  That was ages ago and things have since changed.

 

Today’s world is different, though, as nearly everyone has been on television at one point or another, or they have their own television program as a reality show.

 

Way back when, we used our given names to get by in life; now special monikers are used to identify folks, for any number of reasons.

 

Very, very few of my acquaintances had nicknames.  Joe was Joe, Tom was Tom, and Mike was Mike.  Sure those are abbreviated versions of Joseph, Thomas, and Michael, but they are versions of their “real” names.

 

The nicknames to which I am referring are one that are pinned on a person by either family or friends, and are equally cool as they are uncool.

 

Youngsters who are dubbed after their fathers are often nicknamed “Junior.”  This name is not necessarily offensive unless your dad was Adolph Hitler, in which case you’d like to change your name to $#!+head.  But, I digress.

 

Take, for example, Magic Johnson.  In case you didn’t know, his first name is Earvin, not Magic.  These type of namings are evident in much of sports with nicknames such as The Diesel, Bear, Smoke, The Captain, and The Murderer.  That last one is my personal naming of O.J. Simpson however, that nickname hasn’t caught on.

 

In school where everyone’s saintly kids are really mean, nicknames of other kids are issued in the vein of Four Eyes, Geeky, and Freckles.  Those names are meant to boost the egos of the less-intelligent students who will wind-up busing tables or digging ditches for Four Eyes and Geeky.  That is called Karma.

 

But the music world is where the coolest nicknames are given and worn as a badge of honor.

 

Gatemouth Clarence, Guitar Matt, Blues Harp Lou, are just few that one can find in the jazz field.  Then there are people nicknamed The King, and The King of Pop – one was Elvis while the other was Michael Jackson.  “The Queen” belongs to Aretha Franklin, and The Duke belonged to John Wayne, a non-musician.

 

Let us not forget the genre of R&B/rap, where people nicknamed Ice-T, Ice-Cube, and Vanilla Ice, can be located.  It seems as though singers with “ice” in their nicknames are given television show jobs, as per the law.  I never did find people named Ice Cream, Italian Ice, or Ice Cold.

 

Boxers have their own little planet of names usually beginning with the name “Sugar.”  It would appear that creativity is in short supply as no one uses the nicknames Knuckles, K.O., or Eight-Count.  Names like Glass Jaw and Gotta Go should be avoided at all costs.

 

Now I’m in the market for a really cool nickname for myself that doesn’t include the word “clown,” “goofy,” or “super fat.”

 

I’m open to suggestions.  Write to me.

Game of Stupid

People say such stupid things in hope that you will play along to look equally stupid.  I, on the other hand, am much too smart for all those games.

 

For example, one Christmas season, a neighbor sat on her porch and watched me decorate my house.  Miles of lights, candy canes, garland, and reindeer, adorned my property, along with a tasteful Santa.

 

All-the-while, this woman, who considers placing one electric candle in a window decorating, had the nerve to mosey over and attempt to explain where I went wrong by beginning with the words, “Sometimes less is more.”

 

There is no such thing as less is more, just as there are no examples where fewer Christmas lights are better than more.  Less money is not better than more.  Amen.

 

Another stupid phrase is “I love you, but I don’t like you.”

 

Such words can only escape the mouth of an idiot.  Try explaining why you “love prime rib, but don’t like it.”  The logic doesn’t follow.

 

Then there are the words to make idle conversation such as, “Is it hot enough for you?”

 

People enjoy saying that when they see you perspiring to the point your sweat runs down the small of your back and hits the waistband where it is summarily soaked up by the shorts and underwear.  I suppose it is an ice-breaker, still it is not funny.  It is stupid.

 

Another string of words that usually grate my nerves is, “Have a good one.”  Not being sure as to what these gleeful folks are referring, I usually thank them but think I do have a good one, just not a very large one.  Perhaps they are talking about my home or car retirement check.

 

Now we examine all those self-righteous dopes in the environmental movement.  They are quick and loud to tell you that you need to conserve resources such as fuel and water.  Unfortunately, those dolts are also quick to jump on an airplane, or into a car, to travel a protest, using copious amounts of fuel and water enroute.  That’s hypocritical and stupid.

 

Television weather folks enjoy carping about the lack of rain during long dry periods.  Each day they ask rhetorical questions about when relief from the current drought will occur.  But, the second it starts raining, their query is, “When will it finally end?”  That’s plain stupid.

 

Giving unemployed people seemingly endless benefits in the form of money and food debit cards is equally stupid.  We all fall on bad times but, those times should be motivation to restart your goals and life, and strive to do better.  Short-term help is usually a necessity; long-term bennies are often a curse.  Anything you subsidize, you will get more of.  Paying someone not to work will usually succeed.

 

Motorcycles are fun and economical, and seem to be nearly everywhere.  Cars are more prevalent and larger and sturdier and safer but, car passengers are forced to wear seatbelts because the guvment wants to keep you safe.  If you fail to wear a seatbelt, you will be summarily fined and, in some states, given points on your driver’s license.

 

On the other hand, if you ride a motorcycle in many states, you do not need to wear a helmet.  This stupid move assumes riding a motorcycle assumes the scooter is safer or guvment officials don’t care about your safety.  In any case, no one should pity bikers with severe head injuries, or those who met a worse fate because they didn’t wear a protective device.

 

There are tons of examples of stupid to cite – too many for this space.  Just look around and recognize what doesn’t make sense.  And refuse to be sucked into the game of stupid.