Where, oh where, to begin this new year. There is so much fodder with peanut
allergies, electric cars, affordable health insurance, and the United States ’ Gay Olympics in Sochi
We have a tribe of bearded guys and their trophy wives who
hunt ducks and pray and seem to be everywhere, including in Kmart in the form
of Chia Pets. That makes me nothing but
jealous.
There is a sitting Unites States Congress and Senate, who, thankfully,
are now on vacation, that feels it is better to fund the United Nations and old
film restorations rather than returning military veterans, out of their inability
to find $6,000,000,000.
Watching all this mayhem leads me to make predictions for
the New Year and here are a few of those for 2014.
It seems that a majority of Americans re-elected a man to
office who claims to be a Constitutional scholar, yet knows little about the
Constitution. I predict he will outlaw
free thinking and confiscate all bank accounts in May or June. Retirement accounts follow in August.
Thankfully, we dodged another Christmas season without
bloodshed over displays of a crèche because of a random do-gooder’s complaint
of pain for someone else. I see the
letters G – O – D being outlawed altogether from the alphabet just to make
things easier for Supreme Court Justice John Roberts.
The new season approaches for another round of marketing for
stores. Beginning in early January is
St. Valentine’s Day, followed by that spring holiday associated with eggs and a
bunny – because we can’t mention Easter any more than we can mention
Christmas. I envisage July 4th
as the day stores will bring back Halloween displays.
My big prediction for 2014 is that every car insurance company
will save you money. That is, they will
save you money until your first renewal, at which time your bill will more than
double because of all those “high risk” drivers they’ve signed along with you.
Drones may be following you around in the upcoming year and
actually catch you twerking with either Mylie Cyrus or Hannah Montana. A new internet channel will be created to
show all her hijinks, all the time.
Billy Ray Cyrus will be castrated out of principle.
All the Kardashians will pool their money and buy Associated
Press to ensure they are receiving the appropriate amount of media coverage.
In a related matter, Kanye West will win the Douchebag of
the Year Award, in an unprecedented tie with Vice President Joe Biden.
Lindsay Lohan will buy her own rehab center and hire Judge
Judy to try her cases for TMZ and Entertainment Tonight.
Smart phones will finally grow to the size of cinder blocks
and be connected with wires to the walls, kind of like the phones of yore.
Dennis Rodman will be named the new “uncle” of North Korean
President Kim Jung Un, and lead the North Korean Olympic Basketball team to a victory in the summer games.
Nancy Pelosi will have a face lift. Again.
And, her eyes may fall out of their sockets.
Ford will reveal the much-awaited 2019 Mustang that will
look just like the 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and
2018, models.
Former President George W. Bush, will be blamed for the
Washington Redskins’ name and their losing record.
