Not a Wom

Just this morning, without the idea of becoming amazed, I read my ritual morning newspaper.

My sainted wife was opposite me furiously typing away at the computer attempting to pay our bills online and on-time.

Smokey was high above on his cat condo watching the normal daily activities.

Suddenly I espied an actual newsworthy story causing me to exhort a few words of disbelief that cannot be replicated here.

It seems as though not all scientific grant money is frittered away for any apparently inane reason.

Wouldn’t you know this daily rag published a hard-hitting story about wombats.  This caused me to investigate more about these little creatures.

In all honesty, wombats are neither bats nor woms.  They are 3½ foot long marsupials that are native to Australia. I’m certain they were named by some inebriated Aussie who slurred his or her words.

Marsupials are animals that give birth live and carry their young around in pouches.  They are mammals – unlike seahorses that also carry their young around in pouches.  But you should have learned that in elementary school.

Kangaroos, opossums, and Tasmanian devils, are all marsupials.

In any case, there is a postdoctoral fellow at Georgia Tech who has dedicated her “career to studying, in intricate detail, the biomechanics of how animals poop and pee.”

Just in case you had to answer the phone or listen to your nagging spouse while attempting to read the last paragraph, I’ll repeat it for you.

There is a postdoctoral fellow at Georgia Tech who has dedicated her “career to studying, in intricate detail, the biomechanics of how animals poop and pee.”

Yep.

This article goes on to explain about the wombat being a cousin of the koalas, also marsupials.  They further burrow tunnels creating hazardous conditions for livestock that can easily break legs.

Wombat

Wombats are a food source for Aboriginals, weighing on at about 40 pounds.  It would appear that being short, fat, with small tails and big noses, and small ears, a wombat could easily be mistaken for a kid I knew in high school named Joe Nusbaum.  But I digress.

Still, the gist of this story is just around the corner.

Wombats, according to this Georgia Tech fellow, poop – drum roll, please – little cubes.

Yes, wombat poop is easily identifiable by their dice-like bowel movements.

They produce up to 100 cubes of poop every night!

Apparently they spread this square poop about the outside of their burrows to serve as a ‘keep out’ sign.

There’s much more to this science-oriented article than adolescent humor.

Of course, I could find nothing of that sort.  I could only imagine perfectly stackable poop.

And now you can win that bar bet about which animal poops cubes.  You’re welcome.

The True History of Thanksgiving Day

In the spirit of the season in general, Thanksgiving Day in particular, I thought I’d take some time to present an offering that will likely wind its way through generations.

Much as “The Night Before Christmas” has become a classic, I fully expect my masterpiece to be read far and wide each and every Thanksgiving Day.

It was 1492 when Christopher Columbus stumbled upon the shore of a land mass he thought he was India.  Alas, it wasn’t.  Still, because Mr. Columbus thought his trans-oceanic voyage was successful he called the inhabitants of this land “Indians.”

The India he was seeking was a land described as full of merchants, commerce, textiles, and spices.  Where he was standing was anything but.  However, the natives he met were exotic in appearance and spoke a foreign language, leading to the belief he has succeeded in opening up an ocean trade route.

This newly-discovered land was correctly identified as a land mass between the Old World – Europe – and Columbus’ mistaken India, by Amerigo Vespucci, another Italian explorer and cartographer.

Of little value for lucrative trade, this land that included North America, Central America, and South America, was named for Mr. Vespucci, hence the name America.

Largely forgotten – even intentionally avoided as a detour to India – America was home to Paleo-Indians who migrated from Siberia to North America.

In the 16^th century, to escape religious oppression, European Colonists fled their homes to travel and migrate in America during a period called English Reformation.

The ocean voyage took brutal months at sea with limited food, water, and provisions.  There was no air conditioning on the summer trips, very little heat on the winter voyages.

These determined travelers were called Pilgrims because of their pilgrimage to be able to find peace for practicing their religion, Puritanism.

Upon arrival, the Pilgrims were met by the settlers from Siberia.  Both groups were exact opposites of each other; the Siberian Indians were a crude people who resided in animal skin tents, while the Pilgrims were accustomed to living in thatched roof houses.

In an act of pity, the Indians helped the Pilgrims with their needs of modest shelter, and food that was unique to the Europeans.

Scallops, fish, deer, and other meats were provided, along with corn, and breads for substance.

The Pilgrims brought potatoes and other root vegetables to grow, all of which was shared with their new friends.  This initial gathering was loosely termed “thanksgiving.”

Since their arrival in the day set aside for giving thanks was celebrated as a way to thank God for his help in all aspects of growing and harvesting and the ability to freely exercise their right to religion.

Unfortunately, Democrats hijacked the idea of religious settlers living together with Indians, and the games began.

It started when some nut decided that Indians should not be called Indians.  The word offended their goofy heads and a new term – Native American – would henceforth be used to describe Serbian Indians living in America.

It didn’t matter that Native American is also used to describe ANYONE born in America.  I am a Native American, although I am from Polish heritage, for instance.  But I digress.

This brain trust was well on their way to modifying history with this small act of semantics.

Mushy brained kids in school learned that Columbus did not discover America, the Indians did.  However, they can’t be called Indians.

And according to Liberals, Mr. Columbus brought the white man’s diseases in order to kill the Indians who aren’t Indians rather, Native Americans.

In order to distract the populace from all this, President Ronald Reagan officially created football, signing an executive order to form the Green Bay Packers, and the Detroit Lions.  This E.O. stated the Lions must, as a tradition, lose every year in the game played on Thanksgiving Day.

They also learned in indoctrination camp, er, school, that once the religious settlers made America their home, they rounded up the Native Americans – not me, but other Native Americans – and put these fun-loving, peaceful inhabitants on reservations.  These reservations were alleged to closely resemble concentration camps, according to college professors.

These concentration camps were eventually transformed into cigarette hubs and casinos.

It wasn’t long after all Native Americans – not me included – were killed or banished to concentration camps that all the good stuff the Puritans stole from the Native Americans began to be marketed to Japan in exchange for Datsuns and Toyotas.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a proclamation on October 31, 1939, making Thanksgiving Day an official, nationally celebrated holiday to commemorate the pilfering of all natural things in America from the Native Americans.

It is now the law in 38-states that turkey must be served on Thanksgiving Day; even vegetarians are forced to consume turkey and dressing.  And pumpkin pies that no one eats were added through an amendment under President Trump just to irritate Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters.

So it is with great pleasure that I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving Day.  Except for Maxine Waters and the Florida election officials, that is.

Go Home

Today begins back in 1973.  I was watching the morning news and thought back to the days of yore when I was in college and decided I wanted to attend an Emerson, Lake and Palmer, concert.

I was residing in upstate New York, at the time, near a music venue called Saratoga Performing Arts Center, abbreviated SPAC.

It was a fashionable indoor/outdoor arena surrounded by a sloping hill.  This arrangement allowed one to purchase indoor seats in case of inclement weather, and still be able to sit on the lawn with a blanket and snacks during nicer evenings.

The ELP tickets were on sale at the SPAC ticket box where people camped out to be certain to simply purchase some.

I don’t remember SPAC’s capacity, but the local FM radio stations promised this concert would be a sell-out.

Although working my way through college with two jobs while attending school, a friend who also had a desire to see ELP offered to buy me a ticket in my absence.

Evidently the once-orderly crowd became antsy just about time the ticket office opened resulting in a melee, of sorts.

I received this second-hand account via my ticket buddy, who was fortunate enough to acquire enough for himself, me, and others in his special circle.

It seems as though anxious people who didn’t want to wait their turn for ELP tickets cut in line in front of the polite would-be concert goers in a selfish move.

Yes, this is the first thing I thought of when I heard about the equally selfish 7,000 louts who are making their way from Central America to the United States.

This group of malcontents is thumbing their noses at Americans and American law because this is what they want.  Period.

Standing in line to get asylum in America is for the stupid; cutting in line shows they have muscle and pride.

Yea!  More people who can't obey the law!

And nitwits around our country are crying crocodile tears for these gate-crashers who are already refusing to follow the rules of the greatest country on Earth.  We need fewer of them, not more.

Honest, hard-working, skilled, American residents are now finding themselves at odds with Democrats, whose one note song of racism is staining the fabric of our nation.

My ELP ticket-buying pal didn’t want excuses; he wanted order and justice.  That’s something we should all want now at the southern border.

Enough with the trespassing of the United States of America.  If you can’t follow the rules, go home.

Geographical Oddity

While attending school as a small child I recall making maps and doing research about varying United States areas, and foreign countries, alike.  Those times were called geography class.

Somehow, the maps and our study meshed neatly with some of our history and language classes, making for a more thorough lesson.

Living on The Eastern Shore presents a special kind of geography lesson in which likely few people ever participated.

The words “The Shore” are used by so many people to mean so many different things, and therein lies the problem.

New Jersey, Delaware, the People’s Republic of Maryland, and Virginia all have areas called The Shore.

Reading local newspapers and books, one would think that only Maryland possessed The Shore.  It doesn’t.

To make things more concise, people will add terms such as “Upper Shore” and “Lower Shore”.  Of course, that Maryland joint doesn’t recognize Virginia as even touching water.

So when Marylanders say Upper Shore, they really mean Maryland closest to Delaware; when they say Lower Shore, they are referring to Maryland near the Georgia border.

You must understand that the Atlantic Ocean barely touches Maryland’s eastern shore because of a strip of land called Assateague.  Assateague is a barrier island – 37-miles long.  The northern two-thirds are in Maryland, while the other one third is in Virginia territory.  That is, unless you query Marylanders who believe it is all in Maryland.

Until the 1933, this was one solid island.  Then, a violent storm cut a space through this fragile land creating two parts.

The United States government eventually decided it could better manage the land and created the Assateague National Wildlife Refuge.  Since this barrier island protects a Virginia island named Chincoteague, the Virginia portion is often referred to as the Chincoteague Wildlife Refuge, too.

Here comes the good part.

Virginia’s portion of The Shore forms the back side of the Chesapeake Bay.  This bay is also thought of as belonging to Maryland; only a portion of it is on Maryland territory. 

When you hear about blue crabs from Maryland, it should be understood they don’t often use navigational aids to maneuver around.  Oddly enough they don’t know if they’re swimming or residing in Maryland or Virginia.

For Marylander Use

Moving south on a map from Virginia’s Eastern Shore will take you to the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel, abbreviated CBBT.

The CBBT consists of a series of bridges and tunnels completing the 17-mile span across the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay – the Virginia portion that Maryland thinks it owns.

It lands on a spot of terra firma between Norfolk and Virginia Beach, Virginia.  This land practically borders on the North Carolina state line.

These cities are populated with military personnel, marine services, and copious businesses.  As such, major television stations are based there.  In fact, all the television stations are based there.

WTKR, WAVY, WTVZ, WHRO, and WPXV, are all major players in the Virginia Beach area, which is roughly 70-miles from where I live on The Shore (the Virginia part of The Shore).

Their weather broadcasts speak of The Peninsula.  I’m not sure of the existence of another peninsula other than the Virginia portion of The Shore (not the Maryland side).

I’ve written to the weather clowns – er, meteorologists – about this, politely asking to which peninsula they are referring, to no avail.  Perhaps reading is not a requirement for a meteorologist, or maybe they are just plain uninformed about the definition of a peninsula.

To sum all this up, high-tax, liberty-restricting Maryland is not the sole owner of the Chesapeake Bay or the only state that abuts the Atlantic Ocean.

Virginia actually separates the Chesapeake Bay and the Atlantic Ocean, and Maryland from North Carolina.

Virginia Beach meteorologists have discovered a mystery peninsula somewhere near the Chesapeake Bay.

Don’t you wish you paid closer attention or smoked less weed in elementary school?