WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?

Here’s some good news and bad news.  My sainted wife doesn’t get nearly as upset by my often goofy remarks anymore which is the good news.  The bad news is that her otolaryngologist says she doesn’t hear as well as she used to.

For your information, an otolaryngologist is an ear specialist; I know this because I looked it up.

In any case, I thought my sainted wife was merely ignoring me but, alas, she was unable to hear me.

I mistakenly thought my hilarious jokes were, in fact, unfunny; they weren’t.

So we packed a lunch and some extra water and fuel cans for our trip to the nearest otolaryngologist, which was roughly the distance of half the Sahara Desert away.  Yeah!

Four days later, we arrived for the hearing test.

The doctor came out to summon her.  “Is Uncle Paul’s sainted wife here?”

After nearly 30-seconds of silence, she again stated – in a slightly louder voice, “IS UNCLE PAUL’S SAINTED WIFE HERE?!?”

I had to nudge her arm and gesture that someone was looking for her.

Smiles abounded and she disappeared with the doctor behind the sliding glass doors.

It wasn’t long before she re-emerged with her normal stoic expression.

I immediately knew the news was not good.

When she reached me, I stood to greet her and asked if she was all done with the examination.

Then I again said, “ARE YOU DONE?”

She poked me in the ribs and grimaced.

Just outside she said she would be just fine if she could extract some nasty wax from her ears.  According to the doctor, it seems as though this stuff was creating a dam in her ear canal and was easily remedied by a daily application of some baby oil and a warm compress, augmented by a plumber’s plunger.  A small plumber’s plunger, I might add.

That last genius technique was all my idea.  But I digress.

A few days of squirting that concoction into her ears proved to be a medical miracle.

The good news is her hearing is again good, and my jokes are once again, funny.

The bad news is my brilliant idea for her wedding anniversary gift is now no longer superior.  I had an ear megaphone already selected.

Alas.

Let Them Eat Cake

Just as I do every day, I was waiting at the airport and I began thinking about cakes.

I sit at the terminal waiting to espy Jon Stewart, Chelsea Handler, Lena Dunham, Keegan-Michael Key, Al Sharpton, Spike Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Cher, George Lopez, Barbra Streisand, Amy Schumer, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Mylie Cyrus, all of whom promised to leave the United States if Donald Trump was elected President.

He was, and I have yet to catch a glimpse of any of these phonies departing.  Alas.

In any case, as I said, I was thinking about cakes when a monitor in the terminal ran a CNN story about Jack Phillips.

Mr. Phillips is a baker who specializes in over-the-top wedding and special event cakes.  In fact, they are more works of art than confectionary goods.

Some time ago a gay couple desperately desired Mr. Phillips to design and bake a cake for their husband and husband marriage.

Mr. Phillips, a devout Christian, declined because his religious sect did not allow for marriage to occur between anyone other than a man and woman, period.

Rather than thanking Mr. Phillips for his time and finding another bakery, this pair felt it necessary to attempt to financially ruin Mr. Phillips and his bakery by filing a discrimination lawsuit.

This couple, Charlie Craig and David Mullins, took their case to the Colorado Civil Rights Commission. The free thinking commission ruled against Phillips, and a Colorado appeals court agreed.

Well, the United States Supreme Court took this case and overturned the judgment against Phillips because it violated Mr. Phillips’ Constitutional Rights.

You see, everybody wound up with hurt feelings, and you can be wrong even though you throw a legal tantrum.  In this case, the Supreme Court felt government officials treated Phillips’ religious beliefs as mere rhetoric, pooh-poohing his long-standing rights.

This is when I began to use logic.  I’ve only been to Colorado once on business, and although I simply love blueberry cake doughnuts with a light powder sugar glaze, I hadn’t had the opportunity or drive to visit any bakery, much less Jack Phillips’ bakery.

However, I’ll wager my retirement check there is more than just one bakery in Colorado.  And if a bakery refused to make a cake of any sort for me – or sell me blueberry doughnuts – I’d be glad to take my business elsewhere involving no legal action.

In fact, Lowe’s refused to serve me in their window treatment department; I made my displeasure known and haven’t been back.  Nor will I return even if they sell artificial hearts and I need one to continue living and kvetching.  But I digress.

Husband and husband Charlie and David should have simply gone to one of the other Colorado bakeries to order a cake for their special day.  But no.  They opted for notoriety and revenge.

Now the sour grapes Left is publishing “what-ifs,” such as what if an atheist baker refuses service to evangelical Christians?

Here’s a thought: If those hypothetical Christians had any sense of self-worth they would take their trade to a bakery that appreciates the rights and wishes of the baker while respecting and celebrating diversity.

Get over it.

The Culicidae Are Back

More than regularly we, on the Eastern Shore, are bombarded with advertisements to visit this special place.

These ads are laden with pictures of families frolicking on the beaches, playing in the water, dining in any one of seemingly countless restaurants, and herds of free-roaming horses.

But for some reason these Madison Avenue-types the Shore’s most prolific creature is invariably omitted.  The Culicidae are those oft-neglected bugs, otherwise known as mosquitoes.

In the unlikely event you’ve never left your domicile, or you reside in Antarctica, you have either seen of been bitten by – or both – by a mosquito.

I’ve written about these things before but, today we’re going to address their positive side.

For some reason mosquitoes are viewed as pests that not only bite, they also carry diseases to humans and pets, alike.

Actual size, almost

Mosquitoes breed by laying eggs in standing stagnant water.  And only the female mosquitoes bite.  It seems they use the extracted blood from their bite to help their eggs develop. 

Since the males don’t lay eggs – you should have paid more attention in your biology class – they tend to bite fruits and drink dew from vegetation.

The lifespan for a mosquito is roughly 50-days, in the event the bitee doesn’t have reflexes conducive to rendering the female mosquito flat.

Because water is a key element in their breeding, it is important to leave plenty of undisturbed water in old tires, birdbaths, and plant saucers.  Without those amenities, the population would sadly diminish.

Many people attempt to ward off mosquitoes by applying anti-bug sprays and wipes.  Sometimes they work, sometimes not. 

They also deploy devices that emit carbon monoxide in an effort to attract mosquitoes.  Once in the device, the hapless mosquitoes become stuck to a glue loaded panel to which they become attached.  Eventually they die.  Alas.

For your information, mosquito bites leave a welt because their proboscis injects a blood anticoagulant to better allow their victims’ blood to flow.  Most humans are allergic to that anticoagulant, hence the reaction in the form of a welt.  You’re welcome.

In any case, mosquitoes are very entertaining while they buzz your ears and fly behind your eyeglasses.  My favorite skeeter activity is when you climb into your car and a half-dozen quickly fly in with you.

They so badly wanted to be there with you.

It’s kind of like the neighbor’s dog that, every day when you pass by their house, the dog jumps off the porch and violently chases your car down the road.  This is a daily event continues until one day when the dog, snarling and barking, shows teeth and angry eyes during the chase, catches your car – teeth fully implanted in the bumper, paws being used like brakes.

Now that the car has been caught, what does the dog do with it?  But I digress.

So those mosquitoes are now inside your vehicle and you need to spend the next few minutes trying to quiet them down.  Sure, they’re pretty annoying bouncing off the windshield and side windows now desperately trying to get back out.  I find all this genuine entertainment, though.

Local officials can’t seem to find money to pay for spraying, so maybe it’s time to view mosquitoes in a more favorable light.  These County executives seem to think we live in the Commonwealth’s Official Mosquito Hatchery.  They’re wrong.

The way I see it there are two solutions to this situation.

Since their lifespan is about 50-days, simply wait them out.  Plan B would be to move to Antarctica.