Saving the Planet

Virtually daily I read at least one newspaper cover-to-cover.  I still enjoy flipping pages from left to right, folding them in an origami style to mosey into the bathroom, and then contort the comic section into a neat rectangle to better handle the crossword puzzles.

And each day I read news that is less than smile-invoking that include both local and national stories.

Donald Trump conspired with the Russians; Donald Trump is a racist because he bombed Syria with Tomahawk missiles, whose name is offensive to American Indians; and Donald Trump wants to put bald eagle sandwiches on the McDonald’s menu, are just a few of the stories that put life itself in a dim light.

With North Korea readying to send nuclear ICBMs to the United States, ISIS retards trying to kill all Christians and Jews, and American college students protesting the fact we breathe air, only add to the written media mayhem we see and hear non-stop.

Chief Wahoo

But this morning, I stumbled across a legitimate news article which put true terror in both my heart and soul.  The headline was: “Commish goes after Indians logo.”

You read that right.  It seems as though Cleveland, Ohio, and Major League Baseball’s commissioner Rob Manfred, believe the biggest, most dire threat facing civilization today is the Chief Wahoo logo.

For people unfamiliar with sports, especially my sainted wife, each team has a logo, and most have mascots.  The Cleveland Indians’ logo is that of a cartoon character named Chief Wahoo.

Before you get ahead of this story, keep in mind that there are other American Indian logos in the professional sports world.  Let’s count them: Washington Redskins, Atlanta Braves, Chicago Blackhawks, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Reds, Golden State Warriors, and the Cleveland Indians.  That’s seven.

Somehow the only logo that seems to bother the self-righteous MLB commissioner is the one that belongs to the Cleveland Indians.  Of course, the National Football League commissioner has agita over only one team too, the Washington Redskins.

Let’s forget about the racist Boston Celtics logo, the super-offensive Minnesota Vikings logo, the obese-implying New York Giants, and the criminally weird and divisive Chicago Bears.  I know the bears aren’t really offensive, but someone somewhere is an animal lover who feels that bears are being exploited.  But I digress.

So you see, there is hard-hitting news that can really make a difference in the way people live their lives.  If only we could change the offensive names of sports teams, Senator Charles Schumer might even crack a smile.

Nah.

The True North

Well before the presidential elections, I began learning another foreign language.  Yes, I actually know several, including Polish, German, a bit of Italian, and a smattering of English.

I needed these different tongues to get me through my jaunts around the world.  My latest endeavor was Spanish, inasmuch as my neighbor, who is a native Peruvian, is a terrific guy with a great family. 

To better communicate with them, I decided to make an effort to demonstrate inclusion.  For the Christmas holiday, I learned to wish him “Fleece Navidad.”  Unfortunately, that has more to do with sheep than Baby Jesus.  I stand corrected, though.

So, because our new president is threatening to build a wall to keep out illegal aliens, I realized we would have very few new Spanish-speakers breaking into America.  To stay ahead of the curve, I thought it would be prudent to ready myself for a new influx from the north rather than the south.

Canada is often referred to as “America Lite,” a term that is not necessarily offensive, but not really flattering, either.

Fact:  Florida triples in population during the months of November through April, mostly because of the invasion of Canadians.  Canada actually closes during those winter months forcing our northern neighbors to seek residence elsewhere; the last Winnebago driver turns the lights off. 

Florida is much warmer and has better health care than Canada, hence the flood of bodies.

Just as with countries to the south of the United States, countries to the north utilize a different language than we Americans do.  With the exception of Louisiana and New Jersey, most of America speaks American English.

Of course, some speak the language better than others but, for the most part, a word is a word, is a word.  Unless it is Canada, that is.  You see, they use English and French which is akin to setting your hair on fire.

Let’s examine this international phenomenon I like to call “annoying.”

The country of Canada consists of 3.86 million square miles, or 375 trillion square kilometers.  Because it’s a foreign country, they feel it necessary to distinguish themselves from the United States by using an archaic system of measurements.  Of course, the only nation to put a man on the Moon was the country not using the metric system.  I’m just saying…

In any case, Canadians drive on lines, a northern name for small roads; and they don’t use napkins, they use serviettes.

Back bacon is term for thinly-sliced ham, which you would buy with a loonie.  A loonie is not only someone native to California, but a hard currency in Canada, too.

And if a Canadian were to stay home from the job, they would book off work.  Perhaps they’re home because they had a two-fer last night, which is reference to a 24-pack of beer.  I’m guessing it would be Labatt’s.

If someone accused you of mucking down something, you’d stand accused of shoveling food into your mouth.

Plus, while conversing with ANY Canadian, you need to work the words hockey, snow, and “eh,” into every sentence.

There you have it.  You are now ready to accept visitors form the Great White North into the lower fifty with open arms without spending a lot of time trying to figure out what a “S'il vous plait” is.

You’re welcome.

Time to Clean House

A 5-year-old girl in North Carolina was suspended recently for playing with a stick.

New Age Arsenal

Yep, you read that right.  She was playing with a stick and was sent home for a one-day suspension for playing on the school playground with other students.

It seems as though Caitlin Miller was playing “princess” with two other girls during an assigned playtime.  One girl was the queen, the other was the princess, and Caitlin was playing the guard protecting the other two.  She was using a stick as a gun.

Here is where I get chafed.  Caitlin did what countless other kids have done for generations – pretend, or play act – using items available to make their play session complete.

As a child, I, too, played like a kid.  Most of the neighborhood kids had plastic guns.  Armed with rolls of caps – paper and gunpowder molded together forming a sub-miniature concoction that resembled tiny red toilet paper – that created a “BANG” when the toy gun trigger was pulled.

They were annoying to the adults but, they were great fun for us kids.

We played Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians (not Cowboys and Native Americans), G-Man, Army/War, just about anything we could mentally muster to be able to use our plastic guns.

Very few kids had to “borrow” a gun from a playmate; each had their own and each wielded them with aplomb.  I carried a Thompson submachine gun.

Alas, poor Caitlin had to make up her own gun in order to protect the fantasy monarchy with which she helped create a tiny make-believe land.

Each day Caitlin and the rest of America can tune-in practically any television station to watch cartoon characters, and live people, play act.  She could easily get lost in the fantasy she is seeing before her eyes.  But, her teachers felt the need to chastise her for mimicking those adults she’s supposed to look up to and emulate.  Sad, indeed.

Here’s my rub.  I fully blame the teachers and administrators involved because they are the ones who created their goofy zero-tolerance policy.

Those same weak-minded adults need to be drug-tested because, and correct me if I’m wrong, a stick cannot shoot bullets.

I am a pro-Second Amendment guy who believes guns are God’s tool to keep people free from tyranny, and safe from violent crime.

I often carry a gun for which I paid a small fortune.  Had I known, or even thought, that a stick could be as intimidating as a gun, I could have saved a bundle.  I wouldn’t have to clean it, nor would I have to hide it in a holster when out in public.

Once again, this is an excellent example of stupid people assigned to educate our kids.  It’s about time to clean house of nitwits in charge of teaching – or rather indoctrinating – America’s next generation.