Money For Nuthin’

While patiently waiting in line to check out at Walmart, I noticed a fellow in front of me sporting tattoos.  It wasn’t enough for him to have tats on his arms, and legs, but he also had them on his neck and face.

 

My mind wandered to where a fellow like this worked that overlooked this body art and decided to hire him.  I was certain he wasn’t in a public-relations position because not everyone enjoys seeing a life-sized tarantula tattoo climbing from a shirt collar.

 

To call a seven-inch spider below your ear a distraction would be to minimalize a situation.  That’s akin to saying World War II was a tiff.

 

He turned to likely see who was standing behind him, only to reveal more body art on his face.  Bluish tears streamed from his right eye, and a blackish scroll circled the left one.  The only tattoo missing was the “LOSER” on his forehead.

 

As per usual, Walmart has 28 check-out lanes and only two cashiers.  Perhaps people can’t get hired because they don’t know what money is.  But, I digress.

 

This was the first time I was delighted to have limited checkers so that I could stand in line longer.

 

When I was a kid we would occasionally go to the county fair where I wanted to visit the sideshows consisting of The Bearded Lady, Fattest Man on Earth, and Tattooed Woman.

 

Throughout life I’ve seen The Bearded Lady in a Food Lion market, Fattest Man at a Chincoteague restaurant, and now finally witnessed the Tattooed Woman – in the form of a man – inside a Walmart, this time at no cost to me.

 

After a three hour wait, he reached the cashier only to reach for his wallet to remove his EBT card.  Those of you reading this outside of Virginia, EBT is an abbreviation for Electronic Benefits Transfer.

 

Years ago these downtrodden folks were issued “food stamps” in the form of travelers cheques.  They were given to the recipients in book form and torn out to be used.

 

Now, they are simply issued a credit card-like affair that can be conveniently reloaded until the recipient/user gets off the guvment program.  Actually, one person was removed because they mistakenly got a job seven years ago.

 

In any case, the tattooed man seemed to have plenty of money for body art, but not enough for food.

 

Sure, I was glad to be of assistance because we shouldn’t make him wait for anything in life, much less a job or tattoo.

 

The best part of all this is that I know deep down that he’ll likely get more tats either on the streets or in prison. 

 

No, I’m not angry this dude has more tattoos than teeth.  I’m angry because my tax dollars paid for this conduct.

 

And the great equalizer for such stupid behavior is Hepatitis B.

Summer Vacation

It’s summertime in America and many, many residents are heading out for some well-deserved

vacations.

For years, and before I retired, I looked forward to time-off, most of which was spent doing work on and around the house.  Nonetheless, my sainted wife and I occasionally found time to get away for a few days of sightseeing, fishing, or just relaxing at home.

 

So it was with interest that I heard a news story some years back about three Americans who spent their vacation time hiking on the North Korean-South Korean border.

 

It seems these young pukes wandered into communist-controlled North Korea and were promptly arrested.

 

Roughly a year later, more stupid Americans, with similar pursuits, trekked the Afghanistan-Iran border.  Not sure there aren’t enough hiking trails in the United States, I would suggest these compass-challenged fools take an orienteering course before leaving their homes.

 

It took months of high-level negotiations for both North Korea and Iran to return these oafs to America.  I believe they should have their right to vote taken away just out of principle.  They’ve already proven their mental shortcomings.

 

Today’s news stories included a group of hikers in Washington who were exploring an ice cave.  For some unknown reason the ice cave collapsed.  Several children were injured and one woman was killed in this mishap.

 

The hand wringing has begun because the cave is too unstable to risk recovering her body.

 

And, two Americans were gored in Pamplona, Spain, during the annual running of the bulls.  This news item gave me pause to reflect on my free time and the dangers associated therewith.

 

I don’t own a parachute, motorcycle, skateboard, or hang glider.  I do own a cell phone with a number pre-programmed to dial 911, and a fire extinguisher.

 

My down time is fraught with danger, and some blood has even been spilled.

 

I once received a paper cut from turning pages of the television guide, and even was bitten by a few mosquitoes.  Exsanguination was not a threat, and I recovered nicely after a martini, thank you.

 

I’m certainly not going to point fingers at these risk-takers but, I don’t feel as though they deserve special considerations because of their poor lack of judgment.

 

If you want to run with the bulls, train to outrun your fellow runners.  Portable GPS devices are available in every department store if you want to hike.  Just stay out of ice caves.  Period.

 

Perhaps you should just stay home and mow your yard, wash your car, or ogle over your sunbathing neighbor.  And, have a martini handy.

Boogie For All

United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, in 1964, said, “I’ll know it when I see it.”  That quote referred to an obscenity threshold test and is where we begin today.  This made me speculate if the same test could be applied to the Boogie.

I’ve heard the titles and songs for ages: Boogie Fever, Get Your Boogie Down, Boogie Nights, Boogie Wonderland, Jungle Boogie, Blame It on the Boogie, and Boogie.

All this boogying made me wonder where it began.

Firstly, boogie is described as a repetitive shuffle rhythm originally played on a piano.  It started circa 1916, but was used in earnest in the 1930’s with Benny Goodman, Glen Miller, and Tommy Dorsey.

Nearly 100 years later, we are still referring to the boogie.

In the 1970’s, people were shaking their boogie thing perhaps with their Boogie Shoes.  Boot Scootin’ Boogie cannot be done in regular Boogie Shoes.  And, a Boogie Man is not a grown-up Boogie Child.

Brian Setzer enjoys boogying on practically all his albums.  Kool and the Gang do a lot of boogying, too.

Country and western artists also Boogie.  Hank Williams was Born to Boogie, and Charlie Daniels once did the Boogie Woogie Fiddle Country Blues.

Hank Williams, Jr., was Born to Boogie, while Kid Rock has done the 3 CATT Boogie.

It appears as though nearly everyone is doing the boogie of some sort and by all styles of music, including something called “rap.”  Rap is poetry spoken by someone with little talent beating a five-gallon bucket, in case you didn’t know.

Women also got in on this boogie train.  Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, and a freak called Ru Paul did a song called Jealous of My Boogie.  Uh-huh.

In any case, the boogie and/or boogie woogie is music to which you feel obligated to tap your foot, slap your knee, or sway to the beat.

I’m not quite sure if an Oogie Boogie is similar a Boogie Woogie but, here’s a list of boogiers you may contact to ask: KC and the Sunshine Band; Al Jarreau; Earth, Wind and Fire; The Jacksons; Bette Middler; Brooks & Dunn; Heatwave; The Andrews Sisters; Stevie Wonder; and Insane Clown Posse.

Those of you who wager on this website won if you said Barry Manilow was in on this boogie business, as well.

It doesn’t appear as though The Boogie or any related Boogie activities can be considered dangerous to your health.  Please keep something in mind, though.  According to the Centers for Disease Control, Boogie Fever may, or may not, be related to the Rocking Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu.

Boogie at your own risk.