Thanksgiving Day Festivities

Once again we are quickly approaching that time of year when we are inundated with an abundance of spare time on our hands because of holidays.

 

We just finished with Labor Day, Armistice Day, and are looking Thanksgiving Day in the immediate days.  Unlike Christmas, this is a secular celebration meaning that people of all religions can get into the celebration mode and fight and argue like us Christians.

 

Thanksgiving Day was established so that we, as both a society and individually, could take time to reflect on our lives and give thanks for all we have.

 

That day, we are expected to gather as a family and grin and smile and nod to one another as we overlook Aunt Edith’s false teeth lying next to the sweet potatoes during the Thanksgiving dinner, or Dad’s ability to belch during the quietest moments of the meal.

 

We are also expected to watch football on television.  For our international readers, that is not soccer.  We are expected to see the Detroit Lions win; they won’t.

 

No, the turkey will be especially dry because Mom wants it to be “safe” so, she leaves it in the oven for an extra hour, or so.

 

Gravy will be lumpy, the green bean salad will be gone first, the sweet potatoes with those little marshmallows will be overly sweet, and the mashed potatoes will be cold.

 

All those pumpkin pies will be store bought, and the coffee will be bitter from sitting so long.  No one drinks coffee on Thanksgiving Day.

 

Rather, we rise in the morning to rattling pans and spoons and join the rest of the family for Bloody Marys during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  In fact, that is no longer a parade but has turned into three hours of ads with a few marching bands sprinkled therein.

 

By the time the Santa float arrives, we have switched to beer and are ready for discussions about how poorly our favorite football teams are performing.  We’re still not talking about soccer.

 

Eventually, those discussions become louder until it is time to eat.

 

Dad carves the turkey with everyone oohing and ahhing adding comments about how great everything looks.  At this point, we’re all so hungry we could devour broken glass soaked in used motor oil.  But, we are forced to tell the others what we are thankful for.

 

By the way, I’m thankful for not contracting the Ebola virus.

 

It isn’t long before all that preparing, cooking, ironing table cloths, and polishing flatware has come to an end.  The guys are tired as the tryptophan and booze kicks in.  Those who have a greater tolerance will likely start arguing about something – anything – and still be doing so while the police arrive.

 

Folks eventually leave, some of whom will return for Sunday’s meal, a few will not be seen until next year, others will disappear until their bail is paid.

 

In any case, think about what you can give thanks for.  And don’t argue.

I’ve Got You Covered!

In case you just arrived on this planet via spaceship, you likely have heard of Judge Judy.  Judge Judy is a grizzled, but somewhat pleasant, adjudicator of interesting legal cases. 

 

Some of these cases involve folks who have had entertaining traffic mishaps, most of them centering on the lack of auto insurance.

 

Today, I just paid my flood insurance for my home in Virginia.  The bill was nearly high enough to reach the International Space Station but, it is because my home is in a “flood plain.”

 

It is called a flood plain because it is a plain that floods.  Typically, high tides, the occasional nor’easter, and fairly rare hurricane can make things pretty, well, flooded.

 

To grease the skids for the insurance companies, they charge those exorbitant rates to protect themselves from us trying to protect our stuff.

 

I also have a small bungalow in God’s Waiting Room, also known as Florida.

 

This place also is insured against flood with flood insurance, wind with wind insurance, hurricanes with hurricane insurance, fire with fire insurance, and something unique to Florida – sinkhole insurance to protect against your home vanishing into the ground.

 

None of these insurances are cheap and all must be paid annually.  My last bill demanded money plus my first born male child.

 

To get to and fro, I have a car that requires insurance, too.  This insurance is really special inasmuch as I get to select how much insurance I cover plus I get to select my deductible rate.

 

Allow me to explain how this works.

 

After using the same auto insurance carrier for nearly three decades, someone slammed into the back of my car while stopped in the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.  The little tart driving the other car was fumbling for a CD under the passenger seat and blamed me for not simply driving through traffic stopped ahead of me.

 

My insurance company, whose identity will not be revealed – but their name rhymes with “Wallstate,” was delighted to collect nearly $25,000 in premiums from me.  Now, they were hesitant to talk with me about paying me for any damage.

 

As luck has it, tart-girl’s insurance company delivered a suitcase full of twenties to our door, about the same time our insurance agent disconnected his phone.

 

This adventure was eye-opening since I can only imagine trying to collect for my homes which could be damaged by a storm.

 

“We’re sorry, Uncle Paul.  Your hurricane insurance doesn’t cover the wind damage that caused your roof to blow away.  By the way, we found it in Ames, Iowa.”

 

“But what about my wind insurance?” I would query.

 

“This is rain damage I’m talking about,” claims the insurance clown.

 

“How can the rain get in there without the wind?” is my next question.

 

And so, this circular debate is akin to one I would have with Smokey the cat.

 

That, Judge Judy, is why I don’t have insurance.

Gotta Have It

Every few years a new fad arises to tantalize folks of all walks of life.

 

Remember the hula hoop?  That was a fad for nearly everyone except Hawaiians.  How about the Frisbee and whiffle balls?   Also fads.

 

Superballs, slime, Slinky, pogo sticks, Razor scooters, ape-hanger handlebars and banana seats for bicycles, are all examples of fads, too.

 

A fad is a form of behavior that becomes obsessive to a large number of the population, and can be found virtually everywhere.

 

Throwing a Frisbee on the beach and in school quads was unavoidable in the 1960’s.  Some folks were good at passing a flying disc to another person, others not so much.  The good ones developed tossing a Frisbee into a sport of ersatz golf, still being played today.

 

Whiffle balls and bats – once found near every toy counter – were used to aid actual organized Whiffle ball tournaments, likely for frustrated baseball players such as myself.  They are constructed from plastic, with the balls containing large perforations making them less-than-aerodynamic, thereby precluding extended flight.

 

My sister had a hula hoop as a kid, only to see it mysteriously vanish one trash-collection day.  Otherwise, it could be found lying in the yard, unused.

 

Tons of kids my age had old bikes that needed freshening for the age.  Rather than tossing them into the dump, they were retrofitted with tall handlebars and elongated seats.  These accessories made them appear more modern and added a few more years of use for just a couple of dollars.  Another fad.

 

Each child in America had to have a Razor scooter at the turn of the last century.  These aluminum foot-powered devices came with just enough accessories to introduce kids and their parents to their local hospital emergency room personnel.

 

These things were no more dangerous than those steel roller skates that my sister also had.  Her skates needed a wrench called a key to fit them to your saddle shoes.  These skates were endorsed by the Orthopedic Association of North America.  Please include skateboards in this list of potential widow-makers.

 

Let us not forget Beanie Babies.  This was akin to the Enron scam that bankrupted much of America.  BBs were small stuffed animals that appealed to adults as well as children.  They came in various designs, and an entire set was needed to make them worth anything.  To complete those sets, people were spending their trailer rent to acquire that stuffed red crab, only to realize another Baby was just released to create more economic drama.  These Beanie Babies can be found today at yard sales and thrift stores, nationwide.

 

But, the rich are not immune to fads.  A handful of years ago, everyone with a pulse suddenly bought an SUV.  Not sure why, gas companies delightedly raised the price of a gallon of fuel by $1.50 as a way to say, “Thanks!”

 

Today, 11 people do not have SUV’s, and those people are blind and cannot drive.

 

The latest fad is to stay Ebola-free.  Not exactly sure how it is transmitted or treated, the hemorrhagic disease has the population on edge.  Meanwhile, our national leaders are sure no one will get it in America.  Unfortunately, hundreds of Americans are being treated for it, and the president wants to bring additional infected Africans to America to prove he knows what he is doing.

 

This is irresponsible coming from a hapless leader.  Let’s let this fad stay overseas and create a new toy.