Bravo Sierra

Last week I was desperately trying to communicate, via telephone, with someone just shy of being a

primate, with them horribly misspelling my name, even after having me spell it for them.

My first attempt resulted in something akin to a train hitting a deer.  Letters were read back to me everywhere and in no particular order.

Again I tried by speaking louder and slower, to no avail.

Suddenly, I remembered my NATO Phonetic Alphabet.  This was a sure-fire way to wade through the waters of stupid with no chance of error.

According to Wikipedia.org, the NATO Phonetic Alphabet (NPA) is officially known as the International Radiotelephony Spelling Alphabet.  This system is used to associate specific words to identify letters of the English alphabet so that critical combinations of letters can be pronounced and understood by those who transmit and receive messages by radio or telephone.

No chance for error in this premise.  This is where you’ve heard people say things like, “Uniform Sierra Alfa” for USA.  And yes, alfa is spelled correctly.

So I decided to implement the NPA to help expedite this goat rodeo.

Everything started off less than promising when the idiot to whom I was speaking began writing out the words for the letters.  Suddenly my name went from five letters to nearly 28.

I then tried to explain this exercise to the imbecile on the other end of the conversation.  “When I say ‘alfa,’ you write the letter ‘a’”.

“When I say ‘kilo,’ you write the letter ‘k’.  Got it?”

Their silence meant they were rolling their eyes at me and likely giving me the finger.  Nonetheless we were on our way to abbreviating this telephonic waterboarding.

The smell of success was in the air until I got to the “z” in my name.  This non-Mensa representative adlibbed by jumping ahead and inserting her own identifying word, “xylophone,” which was not even close.

“Zulu!” I shouted.

“What?  I thought you said ‘z’!” she retorted.

I did but, at this point it was akin to arguing with a cat.  She was no brighter after my call and she still had a job dealing with people who had little or no choice but deal with this embarrassment.  Her boss should be fired unless that person is even stupider than my point-of-contact.

In any case, there needs to be a thorough shake-up at the Social Security Administration.

Random Thoughts IV

It’s time for more random thoughts.  And, if you read the title as “Random Thoughts IV,” as in ‘intravenous,’ you are wrong.  Those are Roman numerals for “4,” indicating this is the fourth installment.  Sorry.

In any case, we have arrived at another juncture of examination of the junction where perception meets reality.

Grab a drink and read on.

• Are cops that stupid to think no one in their vicinity is video recording anything?
• Why does it always take AAA 2 ½ hours to arrive to your disabled car?
• How come hospitals – where drugs are plentiful – charge $50 for an aspirin?
• Do you need to sit in two different bath tubs to use Cialis®?
• I wish someone would crush that annoying insurance lizard.
• I don’t care if I have 22 items in the ’20 items or fewer’ aisle.  I’m a rebel!
• What sort of psychotropic drugs does The President use?
• I always get stuck behind the van full of amateur tourists.
• Every TV channel goes to a commercial break at the same time.
• Hillary Clinton doesn’t know the difference between a truth and a lie.
• Whatever happened to whitewall tires?
• And ashtrays in cars?
• Why do people still live in Detroit and Chicago?  You know the answer.
• It’s too bad Baptists aren’t as violent as Muslims.
• I’m still on the lookout for .22 cal ammo.
• Smokey the Cat is smarter than 37% of the voters.
• Don’t people own mirrors anymore?
• A funeral is not a place for that Metallica t-shirt.
• I still don’t have a tattoo.
• I still don’t want one.
• President Obama sold over 1,000,000 guns since he took office.
• Do they still make trash cans?  If so, stop throwing garbage on my lawn!
• Has John Kerry been institutionalized yet?
• You can register a SmartCar, but not a golf cart.  What’s the difference?
• How many terrorist attacks will it take before America stops smoking dope and closes the borders?
• Why is it okay to try to outlaw guns, but kill innocent babies?
• Did Michael Moore eat himself to death yet?
• Who is Whoopie Goldberg sleeping with to have a television job?
• Fireball liquor is very good, and very dangerous.
• I say we raise restaurant and bar prices and eliminate tipping.
• I should buy a gun to protect myself when the cops aren’t around.
• The AC Cobra is my favorite car.  Period.
• Tashfeen Malik needed to wear that rag over her face.  She’s wasn’t a good looking woman or man.
• Guns are not to blame for all the carnage; immorality and lack of God, is.
• I got a Social Security card when I was ten-years old.  Do you think I know where it is now?
• Doctors need to take a course in bedside manners.
• That thing on the end of the rifle barrel is a muzzle BRAKE, not a BREAK.  Please.
• Why do all my tree leaves all wind up in my gutters?
• I hope Smokey votes for Donald Trump.

Splish Splash

If you are a woman, or a man who is contemplating a sex change operation, you may stop reading and engage in something pertinent as this is not relevant to you.

I first saw these revolutionary devices on Assateague Island, Virginia, in the federal guvment park. 

This particular recreation area is set upon the marshes where native birds, lizards, turtles, deer, fox, and other fauna roam.  In fact, that is true because there are copious photos and drawings of these wild creatures hanging about the walls of this facility depicting such.

These critters, along with the associated flora need to be protected so there hung this device.

Now it was with great astonishment that I stumbled upon these nature saviors when I visited a Wal-Mart in Florida. 

My doctor figured I wasn’t taking nearly enough pills for a guy my age so he put me on a prescription of diuretics.  Those are pills designed to make one urinate – whether you want to or not.  But I digress.

In any case, with my diuretic working as advertised, I visited the men’s room at the Assateague recreation area.  There was my first encounter with this special urinal; a waterfree urinal.  It didn’t use water hence, the moniker “waterfree.”

Sloan urinal

Proudly stamped thereon was the name, Sloan.  Above this urinal was a metal plaque describing the operation of this waterless urinal, along with a self-applied backrub authored by Sloan.

But it wasn’t until after visiting the Florida Wal-Mart that I simply had to check out the Sloan website for some real information.  Below are the words found thereon:

“The wall-hung Sloan WES-1000 Waterfree Urinal provides a sustainable design option – conserving water as well as energy by eliminating the need to treat water and expend energy, while reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Waterfree Urinals do not use water...saving that precious resource as well as sewage and water supply line costs; reducing maintenance and repair bills; and creating hygienic, odor-free restrooms.”

By reading this description one would think this urinal would already be mandated for home toilet replacement by the guvment weenies.  “Water conserving,” “carbon dioxide emissions” friendly, “hygienic,” and “odor-free.”  What more could you ask for?

From personal experience I’d say they’re not really hygienic or odor-free.  Stevie Wonder could find one of these with his olfactory senses alone.  I did.  And, upon use, this miracle toilet began backing-up.

Not being a plumber, it was difficult for me to diagnose this apparent problem.  I say it was a problem because there was no mention of this added regurgitation feature on Sloan’s website.

Still, if we can – as a dying planet – buy a few more precious seconds of life by peeing in a pool of stranger’s splashing bodily fluids, it is worth it.

Along those lines I suggest we save money and simply use coffee cans as toilets.

Mission Accomplished

February is Black History Month, and we recently celebrated Martin Luther King Day, a national holiday designed to honor its namesake, the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Just for the youngsters, Dr. King was a non-violent protester who helped lead rallies and protests in order to help achieve equality through a “colorblind” society.  His dream was for a society in which people would be judged on the content of their character rather than their skin color.

Along the way many Americans have proven to be eager to attain those same goals of peace and love and unity.

Blacks traditionally marched through the streets of South Carolina on MLK Day each year to have the offensive Confederate flag removed to alleviate pent-up pain from the Civil War.

Over the last several years we were torn by another campaign to stop the use of “the ‘N’ word.”  This word is so offensive that it can’t even be uttered.  However, if you are black, you are free to use it with impunity.

If challenged over its use, blacks simply explain how non-blacks would not understand the pain it inflicts, recalling the days of slavery from pre-1870 time.

In fact, even the mention of slavery is becoming more offensive by the minute.  It seems that the word “slavery” has been documented to cause apoplexy in the overly-tender sensibilities of the African-American community, and pandering politicians.

This is purely symbolic, similar to the use of the phrase “slaving away” to describe over-working, or “slave driver” to describe a mean, overly enthusiastic boss.  Those phrases are verboten in public, and viewed as insensitive by those easily offended in today’s society.

To preclude any further animosity, pain, and suffering from the use and/or recollection of American history concerning blacks and their unique culture, ardent efforts have been made to better help us creep closer to Dr. King’s goal of colorblindness.

Following a June 2015 shooting of a traditionally black church in South Carolina by a white man, calls were made to remove all evidence to the Confederate flag, once and for all.

Later that year, the South Carolina governor agreed this erasure of history was appropriate, and officially ordered the prohibition of the display of this banner on public property.  Success achieved.

But on MLK Day, the throngs of marchers normally protesting the South Carolina flag are now without a cause.  I realize tradition begins somewhere; I guess it also ends somewhere, too.

And on the fifteenth of January 2016, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, announced its latest round of nominees for honoring cinematic achievements.

Excluded from this prestigious list of nominations was any reference to black actors, black actresses, or black subject matter.  This, too, has caused a surprising kerfuffle among cinema-industry blacks.

It seems as though there is one notable black film entitled “Straight Outta Compton.”  The gist of this film is the birth and growth of the hip hop movement in Compton, California.

For music novices, this featured group is named NWA.  The WA part is an abbreviation of ‘with attitudes.’  The N part is the oh so-offensive “N-word.”

Racist director Spike Lee, and overly thin-skinned Jada Pinckett Smith, publicly announced their displeasure at the racial imbalance of the nominees.  No word yet on their feelings of the racial disparity within the National Basketball Association and the National Football League.

Although I haven’t seen this cinematic masterpiece I surmise this movie is laden with liberally salted use of the N-word.  I can only hope was stopped by the Oscar’s folks the instant the first time it was spoken.

Congratulations!  Mission accomplished.

S.O.S.

Today is special if you live near the mid-Atlantic region; you are alive.

Over the weekend, a snowstorm of epic proportions struck the East Coast with a fury that is rare.

El Niño, the Spanish name for “Al Gore was wrong,” appears to be the culprit of most inclement weather being felt in America.

Allow me to explain: The jet stream moves downward because of political gasbags spewing all sorts of nonsense, thereby creating warm air beyond all hope.  That combined with ocean business – maybe tides – causes the Moon to wobble, thereby creating blind tsetse flies that mate out of wedlock on Tuesdays.

All that translates into what Weather Channel folks term “lots of snow.” 

Having lived in the Washington, DC, area for several decades helped me become acquainted with not only the threat of snow, but the behavior of people from the Seat of Government.

People there laugh at terroristic threats, crime, drug shootings, and extreme parking fines.  But call for a shoebox full of snow to fall and the masses go nuts.

Speaking of nuts, Spike Lee is probably apoplectic over the “whiteness” of the snow.

Local weathermen and weatherwomen and any other suffix that will elate you delight in scaring the begezuz out of sophisticated Washingtonians to the point of inciting mayhem at the local supermarkets.

Oddly enough I regularly kept bread, beer, hot dogs, and ice in my fridge.  Those provisions were there because I often got hungry.  I also owned a shovel in case a politician stopped by to add political promises to my lawn.  But I digress.

So it was with interest that I listened when the overly-educated WDC residents were instructed to purchase pre-snowfall bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper.

Warnings like this seem unnecessary to well-prepared individuals living outside The Beltway however, you’re talking common sense here.  There is little of that inside The Beltway.

Upon being given those marching orders, the masses would storm the supermarkets to loot the shelves of bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper.  Even those that were lactose intolerant would scarf up cartons of milk, buttermilk, even eggnog, “just in case.”

Perhaps that “just in case” meant the snow would linger longer than the usual two days.  Of course stores were all within walking distance so transportation to and fro was not the issue.  Rather it was “I need to get mine before it runs out.”

Alas, food shortages are not the main problem during large snowstorms.  Instead the issue is likely power outages caused by snow-weighted utility lines and nearby trees.

So all those provisions desperately fought for “just in case” will probably spoil unless strategically placed outside in the snow.  Note of caution: Keep rummaging dogs, crows, and rodents away from your stash.

Still, I’m baffled as to how everyone in the Washington Metropolitan Area would enjoy their bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper. 

I’ll bet as French toast on the commode.

Bass Ackward

We’re an amazing lot.  If we are pro-women, we want a woman for whom we can vote.  But, it can’t be any woman.  It must be a pre-selected woman; Hillary, not Carly.  Black candidates should be represented by Barack, not Ben.

The same holds true with science.  Global climate change is fashionable so, it must be true.  As such, society must recycle and drive vehicles made of papier mache or the planet will succumb to humanity.

And when people want to have children in today’s world, they can, and do, consult with the medical community in an effort to produce offspring that are disease-free.  Some parents are even going so far as to select their progeny’s hair and eye color via DNA treatment.

This was a news story on a local TV channel two weeks ago, and has had me fuming ever since.  Of course I don’t want children to suffer from a preventable health problem for any reason.

However, those children that are managed in labs are perplexing to me.

I dare say society, as a majority, tends to scream loudly when visiting a grocery store selling vegetables that are not labeled as to how they were grown.

Because of droughts, pestilence, flooding, diseases, and sunlight and climate variations, scientists have developed seeds for crops that can withstand most or all of the above challenges.

A few short weeks of drought can leave entire countries without food but, these genetically modified (GM) foods can endure such harsh conditions.

The easily misled among us are apoplectic about these GM foods making their way into America’s food supply, and they want to avoid these crops, wholesale.

Included in these GMs are salmon, and other seafood, that can easily sustain down-and-out cultures world-wide that need food to prevent starvation.

For some reason, such manipulation of the genetics of these foodstuffs is viewed as evil and dangerous.

On the other hand, tweaking physical features of babies is applauded as forward-looking, and promising for future generations.

You can’t have it both ways.  You must select, and GM foods hold promise to the hungry on Earth, and are far more important than a child being born with red hair.

Sorry.

Suffering From the Fever

If you’re reading this before January 13, 2016, you are still eligible to be a billionaire.

You read that right.  For only two dollars, you can select numbers and, if correct, take home more money than most people collecting social services from the guvment.

This jackpot in the Powerball drawing will be at least $1,300,000,000.  For you trivia fans that’s about $900,000 a minute from the day Christ was born until today.

In other words, it’s more than a dollar a second for 30 years.  That’s a lot of money.

I’ve mentioned this to several strong-minded folks, and they all said the same thing: you’re not going to win so, save your money.

Of course, these douchebags were affluent enough to not really need a large amount of “play cash.”  They have boats, high-end cars, expensive trucks, jet skis, and stately manors.  I don’t.

And a win would allow me to buy a house next door to any or all of these over-inflated pukes.  But why?

Because I could rub their noses in my easily found affluence, that’s why.  Each day they would go off to work I would be on my front lawn, perched atop a 1985 Buick which is sitting on cinder blocks, with a pitcher full of martinis.

“Hey there neighbor!” I’d yell, hoisting a Mason jar adorned with three olives swimming in my icy concoction.  “Have a nice day!”

A bit of sputum from their lips aimed in my direction would bounce off their manicured Zoysia grass lawn, accompanied by a one-finger salute.

How great would that be?  But I digress.

The naysayers point out that you have a three times better chance to get struck by lightning, better chance of getting bitten by a shark, or dying from getting struck by an asteroid, than winning this cash.

And while that may be partially true – because I don’t swim in the ocean, and I carry an umbrella to ward-off flying space debris – at least I’m in the running; they’re not.

The odds of winning are 1:292,000,000.  That’s a lot.

Yet, the smartest person in the world is probably buying tickets just to help the economy.  Yep, President Obama is likely standing in line at J’s Convenience Store.  Maybe.

Good luck.