S.O.S.

Today is special if you live near the mid-Atlantic region; you are alive.

Over the weekend, a snowstorm of epic proportions struck the East Coast with a fury that is rare.

El Niño, the Spanish name for “Al Gore was wrong,” appears to be the culprit of most inclement weather being felt in America.

Allow me to explain: The jet stream moves downward because of political gasbags spewing all sorts of nonsense, thereby creating warm air beyond all hope.  That combined with ocean business – maybe tides – causes the Moon to wobble, thereby creating blind tsetse flies that mate out of wedlock on Tuesdays.

All that translates into what Weather Channel folks term “lots of snow.” 

Having lived in the Washington, DC, area for several decades helped me become acquainted with not only the threat of snow, but the behavior of people from the Seat of Government.

People there laugh at terroristic threats, crime, drug shootings, and extreme parking fines.  But call for a shoebox full of snow to fall and the masses go nuts.

Speaking of nuts, Spike Lee is probably apoplectic over the “whiteness” of the snow.

Local weathermen and weatherwomen and any other suffix that will elate you delight in scaring the begezuz out of sophisticated Washingtonians to the point of inciting mayhem at the local supermarkets.

Oddly enough I regularly kept bread, beer, hot dogs, and ice in my fridge.  Those provisions were there because I often got hungry.  I also owned a shovel in case a politician stopped by to add political promises to my lawn.  But I digress.

So it was with interest that I listened when the overly-educated WDC residents were instructed to purchase pre-snowfall bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper.

Warnings like this seem unnecessary to well-prepared individuals living outside The Beltway however, you’re talking common sense here.  There is little of that inside The Beltway.

Upon being given those marching orders, the masses would storm the supermarkets to loot the shelves of bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper.  Even those that were lactose intolerant would scarf up cartons of milk, buttermilk, even eggnog, “just in case.”

Perhaps that “just in case” meant the snow would linger longer than the usual two days.  Of course stores were all within walking distance so transportation to and fro was not the issue.  Rather it was “I need to get mine before it runs out.”

Alas, food shortages are not the main problem during large snowstorms.  Instead the issue is likely power outages caused by snow-weighted utility lines and nearby trees.

So all those provisions desperately fought for “just in case” will probably spoil unless strategically placed outside in the snow.  Note of caution: Keep rummaging dogs, crows, and rodents away from your stash.

Still, I’m baffled as to how everyone in the Washington Metropolitan Area would enjoy their bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper. 

I’ll bet as French toast on the commode.