Random Thoughts

Politicians, too often, forget they were hired by us, work for us, and need to heed us to keep their jobs.  If they forget those things, they should be fired by us when they don’t do what we want them to do.  It’s a job.

 

What’s the big deal with corned beef and cabbage?

 

Newspaper funnies are no longer funny.

 

People have tried for years to evade smoke from cigarettes and cigars.  They enact laws to prohibit use of a legal product which is heavily taxed in order to discourage its use.  In some cities, smoking in your car or apartment is illegal.  It’s interesting that a new push is on to legalize smoking marijuana.  I suppose that smoke is less offensive.

 

We regularly hear folks tell us that dogs are smarter than cats.  Cats poop in a box when it is raining outside and cover it up when they go outside.  Dogs don’t, hence cats are smarter.

 

Complaints are heard about the high cost of insurance, food, and gas.  But, we think nothing of spending in the neighborhood of $100 per month for internet service.

 

Microwave pizza is still awful after thirty years.

 

People pay more for bottled water than gasoline, and complain about the price of gas.

 

Women who often say, “I don’t care what other people think,” are very concerned about what other people think.

 

Weather forecasters would do better to get real jobs in which they need to be correct.

 

You never want to hear a doctor say, “Ooops!”

 

Where does all the toilet paper go?

 

My doctor told me to exercise more.  I offered to let him exercise with me.  He declined.

 

My sainted wife is at the store so often I suggested she get a job there.  And a discount.

 

It’s absurd that we can teach Islam principles in school but not say, “Merry Christmas.”  What happened to that church and state thing?

 

Why do people keep snakes as pets?

 

I wonder what those tattoos you got at age twenty will look like at age seventy.

 

Our U.S. attorney general said it was okay to kill Americans with drones domestically.

 

There are so many stupid people in this world you would think schools were outlawed.

 

Nobody counts change anymore.

 

It seems as though every kid has ADHD.

 

The lines in parking lots are there for a reason.

 

A former friend was sitting at my kitchen table when she got a phone call, looked at the number and said, “Not him again.”  Now I know why she never answered when I called, and you know why she is my former friend.

 

I could use a big lottery win right now.

 

Keep an eye out for knuckleheads with Confederate flags in the back windows, blaring rap music.  They’re actually pretty easy to spot.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Excuse me while I get the cat more toilet paper.

Broken Glass

In the 1960’s, women saw the civil rights movement as a vehicle to attain their own idea of privileges perceived to be missing from their lives.

 

Jumping aboard the protest bandwagon, countless women across the country took to the streets to burn their brassieres and proudly carry novel signs with kitchy sayings.  Soon, the hungry media picked up these antics and carried them as stories about the downtrodden feminine gender.

 

This was the birth of the ‘women’s movement’ and encompassed everything from jobs to reproduction.  It was a monumental time for these women but, it continues today.

 

Yes, it was those same women who burned their bras that also gleefully threw their underwear on stage to male singers such as Elvis Presley and Tom Jones.  They wanted to be free of men but with men, at the same time.

 

This quite perplexing display of demands led America in various directions.  They claimed that a woman could do anything a man could do, only better.

 

A Miss title was changed to Ms. which confused those Mrs. titles.  That was fine since married women so desired to separate themselves from that dirty word “married.”

 

Carefully watching from the sidelines, many men witnessed women contorting facts to achieve such lofty goals as legalizing abortion, breaking the proverbial corporate glass ceiling, and wearing pants.

 

All these efforts brought us such illustrious female figures as Danica Patrick and Lauren Silberman.

 

It the event you were in a coma for the past month or so, Danica Patrick is a female racecar driver.  She drove an Indy car for several years and decided to switch to NASCAR to conquer a real challenge.  The Nationwide Series, which is a transitional league for less-experienced drivers, hosted her.  She didn’t do well.

 

Nonetheless, she was given a ride in the Sprint Cup Series – the big boy league – and qualified for the Daytona 500 in the pole position.  That is quite a feat that made many people proud.  Sportscasters fawned over her accomplishment while the media left race fans with the impression she was the only driver entered in that race.  She wasn’t.

 

Likening her pole-winning achievement to curing cancer, she finished a strong tenth place.  But, she broke the good ol’ boys barrier which delighted race announcer Darryl Waltrip to no end.

 

She dutifully proved she could compete with men on a level ‘playing field.’  Still, that was no the end of the good news for the fairer sex.

 

Lauren Silberman had a hankering to break the gender barrier in professional football.  Ms. Silberman tried out as a place kicker to much hoopla.  Once again, the media made quite a spectacle of this event.

 

She teed up the football and with a swift arching rotation of her right leg kicked the ball an astonishing 19 yards!  Her second effort made it roughly 13 yards.  Apparently, the NFL was not especially interested in her spectacular athletic abilities.  Still, she tried to prove the naysayers wrong.

 

Women in the military are akin to this display of the Women vs. Men battle in civilian life.  It seems as though women have been met with the law of unintended consequences in this struggle, though.  They have proven themselves as fit as men and may now be subject to registering with the Selective Service for draft during a crisis, as a result.

 

Unfortunately, we still have gender-segregated sports including basketball, baseball, tennis, and golf.  I’m not sure why now that women have proven they can compete with men.

 

Good luck to all those competitive members of society who have so much to prove.  You go, girl!

 

 

Painful!

Nearly everyone I know enjoys a challenge of some sort.  Some have a talent to take a block of wood, seven paper clips, and an old chicken bone, and make an armoire.  Others can grab a cup of flour, an egg, peanut butter, and a paper towel to contrive a Smith Island cake.  And others still like to defy themselves to rebuild cars with little more than a spatula.

 

I, personally, possess no special worldly skills so, I challenge myself by watching “Jeopardy!”  This is a half-hour television program that runs daily, in syndication, and draws fools such as me who really want to believe I have knowledge.  I don’t.

 

Mesmerized by the three contestants, I am regularly glued to the TV to see if I know any of the answers.  Actually, the host, Alex Trebeck, gives you the answers and you must supply the question.  For instance, “Stupid people who waste time,” is the answer; “Jeopardy! Watchers,” would be the question.

 

Mr. Trebeck is not only smug but also a Canadian.  He seems to enjoy correcting incorrect answers with a glimmer in his eye.  Remember though, he has all the answers written down for his pleasure.

 

Offering a variety of answers, the contestants chose from categories that often contain material that is absolutely foreign to me.  My least favorite are “Opera Highlights of the 1800’s,” “Esteemed Poets from Cork County, Ireland,” and “Oscar Winners Whose Names End in the Letter ‘L’”.

 

The more difficult the answer, the higher the cash prize for that question.  In the event an incorrect question if given, that amount is deducted from that person’s score.  At the end of the game, the person with the highest amount of money wins.

 

But there is a final question in which all participants with cash can wager any amount of that money.  Only the category is given before the answer is revealed.  Needless to say, these answers are even harder than the rest of those in the game.

 

These final Jeopardy! Categories include “Shoe Sizes of 1960’s NBA Players,” “Kentucky Fried Chicken Secret Recipe Ingredients,” and “Number of Roofing Tiles on Famous European Castles.”

 

Very little of the information necessary to successfully provide a question can be found in People, Elle, or Southern Living magazines.  Rather, one would need to peruse encyclopedias, trade journals, and Mensa publications, or old newspapers. 

 

I don’t personally keep track of the questions I get correct but my sainted wife does.  As of today, I have accumulated the stunning amount of $200; I feel the amount should be closer to $378,000.  Although this represents nearly a decade of watching, I believe that is quite an accomplishment.

 

Most of the contestants appear rather geeky, meaning they look as though they were severely bullied or otherwise picked-on as children, thus turning into anti-social types who regularly turn to books and equally generally awkward company for companionship.

 

This doesn’t mean they cannot interact with other normally appearing individuals.  It means their of idea of a raucous Saturday evening is a date with Masterpiece Theater.  Crack open the flavored water!

 

Sure, I’m jealous that these nerds know how to make their own ‘tahini,’ and can name the Gutenberg Bible’s typesetter’s grandmother.

 

I guess we all have our special torture.  Give me a waterboard any day.

Money Worth Nothing

A visit to my bank to retrieve some documents led me to a discovery – a stack of cash in two-dollar denominations.  It seems that because of my infrequent stopovers at my financial institution, I had forgotten of what exactly lie therein.  Papers with indecipherable numbers and savings bonds rested neatly inside this compact metal box, safe from the world outside.

 

But it was the hard cash that jogged my memory of how they came to be.

 

Indeed, I was caught up in that frenzy actually buying a one-hundred bill stack from the bank.  Knowing they would be worth something in a few years, I carefully placed them in my bank box for safe keeping.

 

Those bills lay adjacent to the Sacagawea dollar coins that the Treasury illuminati also said were minted to save money on paper currency printing.  The Sacagawea coins were supposed to help the government save money over the easily damaged paper money, because of the durability of the metal coins.

 

The coins were also designed to aid the vending industry to more easily convert their machines to accept coins rather than bills.

Once again, people such as me hoarded them in rolls fresh from the bank.

I rushed home from the bank vault to check on the current price of both the $2 bills and the $1 coins.  They were worth exactly face-value!  It seemed time to begin using the currency as cash rather than future speculation.

Peeling off one bill from the stack of one-hundred, I ventured out to help the economy and purchase some olives for my martinis.  At the grocery store, I handed the cashier my crisp $2 bill only to receive a blank stare and the comment, “We no take this.  It not real money.”

Oh, but it was.  It was also discomforting to have an especially young foreign-born cashier who was too young to remember 33 1/3 LP records, tell me about legal currency from my home country.

Arguing with her would’ve been useless – akin to discussing advanced placement physics with Smokey the cat.  It is likely the store manager was equally clueless as he was concentrating more on acne salve rather than the produce department’s wrinkled green peppers.  But I digress.

Just to clarify, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing still prints $2 bills but, they do not distribute them to banks on a regular basis.

 

Once again, the government has given America something useless.  My valuable $2 bills cannot be used as American currency in America by an American.  Heaven knows how much my $1 coins aren’t worth.

Monopoly

The eastern American colonies had a mail system established by the Continental Congress in 1775 but, its ability to move mail was limited.  It was in 1860 that an answer to the problem of sending communications across our country was solved with the birth of the Pony Express.  This solution helped people correspond with one another, cross-country, prior to the invention of the telegraph.  Although freight was readily moved east to west, those trips took a while and moving personal mail was less than timely.

 

Several businessmen joined forces and established the quick mail delivery system charging an astronomical $5 per half ounce of mail – the equivalent of $20 by today’s standards.  It was a dangerous and elaborate maze of routes and riders that included William Cody, otherwise known as “Buffalo Bill.”

 

A series of corporate buy-outs and government contracts eventually morphed the Pony Express into the United States Postal Service (USPS).  By nearly anyone’s standards, 238 years should be enough time to financially break even.  But, nearly everyone would be wrong.

 

The good news today is the USPS lost $1,300,000,000 in the last quarter of 2012.  That’s considered good news because it was far less than the $3,300,000,000 in the comparable quarter the previous fiscal year.

 

To offset these ‘lost’ dollars, the USPS decided to do what any competent business would – raise prices.  The newest price increase was to stamps in the amount of who-knows-what.  It really doesn’t matter to the USPS in as much as they have no competition, by law.  They can – and do – charge whatever they want because they are a monopoly when it comes to letters.

 

Price increases are regular activities for the USPS with few Americans sure of what the current rate is or even was.  I can tell you all that junk mail you receive each day costs the sender only pennies, and presorted mail costs seven cents to annoy its recipients.

 

The USPS now seems to feel that they need to cut back to save monies ill spent for the past decades.  These cash-saving efforts include eliminating mail delivery on Saturday.  They promise to keep parcel delivery for that day, for the time being.  This is really good news for me as my mail carrier cannot get my mail to me Monday through Friday.  He seems to be dyslexic, delivering my junk mail to all my neighbors who kindly bring it to me, expecting a beer as a reward, thereafter.

 

It must be borne in mind that in many places the USPS used to deliver mail twice daily until the 1960’s.

 

One should also consider that Fedex and UPS run head-to-head competition with the USPS for packages.  This is allowed because they don’t compete with letters.  USPS advertises “overnight delivery” of letters.  This is just some sort of advertising scheme because their “overnight delivery” is not overnight it could be two days or more but, what the heck.  By the way, both Fedex and UPS are doing very well with their package delivery.  The USPS, not so much.

 

This is a prime example of a government operation and its lack competence.  People crying for more government involvement in every iota of life should think about the USPS morons who conjure up these hare-brained ideas before they so willingly turn over important, major segments of society to government dolts.  I’m just saying…

 

 

Super Bowl Review

Congratulations!  We made it through another Super Bowl, this time XLVII, or 47.  Someone with extraordinary skills in Roman numerals got the job naming these events.

The hoopla was nothing less than I expected.  For two weeks, we heard about the nefarious acts with which the players were involved.  One player was alleged to have made a comment about gays in football, and another was allegedly involved with a murder some years ago.  Forget all the steroid use, dog-fighting, philandering, bounty-hunting, and substance abuse by other sainted players in the NFL.

Then we were overdosed by the validity of the teams actually playing in this contest.  Some aficionados of the sport felt these two teams should not be playing because they were the teams with the “best” records.  That’s the fault of the endless playoffs, no the teams.

It seems the coaches were also blood brothers.  Countless interviews with their parents were designed to evoke emotions trying to favor one brother over the other.  Too bad Mom and Dad did not cave – even after the game.  Neither did the brothers.  Apparently they now have their own differences and have not contacted one another after this contest.

But the big story is that Beyonce, the big half-time show performer, sang and grabbed her crotch – a la Michael Jackson.  The week prior, she performed at the presidential inauguration and lip-synced the words to the National Anthem.  It appears as though she found her voice and actually sang during the Super Bowl.  That’s magical!  Hooray!

Just after the beginning of the second half of the game, an electrical failure darkened the stadium forcing a 35-minute delay of game.  This respite in the hoopla gave both teams time to reflect on the lop-sided score, thereby prolonging the lives of both coaches whose health conditions were likely guarded.

No Super Bowl would be complete without the anticipation of the various ads promised to be aired.  Days before this game, one-hour television shows running commercials – interrupted only by other commercials – ran in order to reflect on ads from years gone by.  Yes, one hour of solid commercials; how delightful.

People who crazed over new ad spots could care less about the game itself, only to elate in the fact previously unseen commercials were entertaining them in lieu of the action.  Personally, I don’t even remember the commercials because I left the room when they were being aired.

Then there were those ‘alternative’ shows to the Super Bowl.  For those not interested in the football game and Beyonce, there was entertainment in the form of The Puppy Bowl IX, The Lingerie Bowl, and the Sky Angle network airing Paul McCartney singing “Hey Jude.”  Welcome to America!

For those who just awoke from a coma, the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens played in Super Bowl XLVII.  And the Ravens won.

Seriously – The Puppy Bowl?

 

 

 

Alice, Again

If Lewis Carroll were alive today, his head would explode.  Mr. Carroll penned Through the Looking-Glass, a sequel to Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.  This creative story centered on Alice who discovers she can pass through a mirror thereby entering an alternative world.  What is up was down, what was white is black, what was right is left.

Not so long ago, we all entered Alice’s world when killing babies became acceptable.  This sordid thinking allows partially-born babies – otherwise known as “fetuses” – to be left to die without medical attention.  Such words are twisted semantics known as ‘Constitutional protections’ called abortion.

Although I am having a tough time finding the actual word “abortion” in The Constitution, thousands of pro-choice supporters recently marched on Washington, D.C. to demonstrate their undying approval of the 40-year old Supreme Court decision that protects the killers of their babies - themselves.

Ironically, the nation is in a state of hand-wringing over the possession and use of semi-automatic firearms whose specific right to “keep and bear” is mentioned in that previously mentioned Constitution.

Words such as “common sense” and “saving lives” are often heard when the anti’s are carping about the simply written Second Amendment.  Quite odd, indeed.  But, things get even odder when newly introduced legislations promise to turn millions of legal, responsible gun owners into felons, with the stroke of a pen.

Semi-automatic firearms have been in existence for over 100-years now.  Today, though, they are now uber-dangerous because some hoplophobes deem these tools ‘unacceptable.’  Oh, that pesky Second Amendment.  Have you already forgotten about that annoying fetus mentioned above?

Such misguided paths to “a safer society” are hollow, at best, when such noise emanates from big-city mayors whose populations are dying at record rates even though their own jurisdictions have super-restrictive laws against gun ownership.

Now, we learn that joy abounds in Illinois where illegal immigrants are now able to legally drive.  If those words are examined, they reveal something astounding – these are the same folks who broke into our country, thereby earning the title “illegal.” 

The crazy part is that these same law-breakers do not have to provide their fingerprints lest we offend them into not registering to drive.  WHAT???

Unfortunately, the dreadful excuses we have as political representatives are forging ahead with their pandering to those law-breakers.  Legal citizenry be damned!

In case you do not wear a seatbelt when driving, you can expect to be pulled over by the police.  It seems as though people forgot when those political imbeciles told us that seatbelt use was optional and would never, never ever be subject to a traffic stop.  Simply put, they lied.  After all, it was to protect us because they know me better than I do.

This is the time you need to take a break from reading and look out your front window.  Each person on a bicycle should be wearing a helmet – by law in 21 states.  Clearly the reason for this law that wasn’t able to protect all prior generations is to ensure Americans won’t get hurt.  Go on and peer out your window.

In the event no motorcyclists rode by on your glance to the outdoor world, 28 states have no helmet laws.  It is plain to see that motorcycles are far safer than cars, trucks, vans, and SUVs, that require seatbelt use.

To recap, killing babies is okay, self-defense is bad, breaking the law is fine, bicycle safety is strict, motorcycles are safer than cars, and we let this, legal citizens will go to prison for exercising their rights, illegal citizens are rewarded for their bad behavior.

Welcome, Alice.