There are many words that
describe me but, I’ve never been accused of being wasteful. Growing up, we were not wealthy; in fact,
that proverbial silver spoon in my mouth was made of plastic.
I suppose that meager lifestyle
groomed me to be rather frugal throughout the balance of my life, which borders
on cheap.
No, I’m not a hoarder; however I
still see uses for many items that most other people would view as disposable.
Pieces of heavy duty twine are
saved to later bundle stacks of newspapers and cardboard destined for the recycling. Bags of Styrofoam peanuts are stored to be
reused in the near future. Empty jars
will be filled with old cooking grease and disposed of in the trash within
weeks. These are just a few examples of
my miserly ways.
You must realize I throw away
“junky” stuff for which I see no viable use, and do so with aplomb. That’s because I also detest clutter.
All these practices are an effort
to save money down the road by not having to purchase balls of twine, expensive
Styrofoam, and drain cleaner, to solve my stop-gap problems.
But it was my sainted wife who
spurred my cranial idea cells, after her recent physical examination.
Her getting a new life insurance
policy was the catalyst that triggered this mental tsunami in me. It seems she needed to ensure her perfect
health to this company that is betting they are not going to have to pay out on
her gamble with longevity.
Besides home-based EKG, blood
pressure, and head cavity tests, she was administered a urine test. Yes, a urine test.
She is not, and has never been, a
drug user of anything stronger than baby aspirin and Pinot Grigio.
But this pee test was not
checking for anything legal. Rather, it
was checking for the illegal mood changers such as marijuana, crack cocaine,
and methamphetamines.
My sainted wife – like me – is a
little long-in-the-tooth, and I believe she would likely be less stoic if she
perhaps imbibed in a wee-bit-o’-weed.
Still, she and the pee cup-issuing nurse got a good chuckle out of the
whole exercise.
It was at this point the nurse
went on to explain how she also travels from home-to-home giving pee tests to
the previously convicted among us, who are currently on home detention and must
pass a regular urine squirt in the jar.
This nurse told my sainted wife
about the many ways these legal miscreants attempt to circumvent their tests,
or beat them altogether.
Evidently that old adage about
‘necessity being the Mother of invention’ is alive and well.
These law breaking innovators
evidently keep “clean urine” hidden in a vial inside the toilet tank for just
such emergencies. Such samples are
provided by friends and family just in
case.
Then there are merchants on eBay
purloining a substance called Clean Pee that actually can be warmed up to
replicate a human’s body temperature. No
lie.
Suddenly my brain cells kicked
back in to those recycling activities in which i am regularly engaged. It was also at this point that I realized I
had literally dumped hundred of thousands of dollars down the toilet.
Those jars I would normally use
for grease disposal are now being filled with you-know-what.
I will guarantee this stuff is
drug free and capable of passing test after test after test.
So if you’re in the market for
some clean pee, give me a call. I can
help for $50 per pint.
