The True History of Thanksgiving Day

In the spirit of the season in general, Thanksgiving Day in particular, I thought I’d take some time to present an offering that will likely wind its way through generations.

Much as “The Night Before Christmas” has become a classic, I fully expect my masterpiece to be read far and wide each and every Thanksgiving Day.

It was 1492 when Christopher Columbus stumbled upon the shore of a land mass he thought he was India.  Alas, it wasn’t.  Still, because Mr. Columbus thought his trans-oceanic voyage was successful he called the inhabitants of this land “Indians.”

The India he was seeking was a land described as full of merchants, commerce, textiles, and spices.  Where he was standing was anything but.  However, the natives he met were exotic in appearance and spoke a foreign language, leading to the belief he has succeeded in opening up an ocean trade route.

This newly-discovered land was correctly identified as a land mass between the Old World – Europe – and Columbus’ mistaken India, by Amerigo Vespucci, another Italian explorer and cartographer.

Of little value for lucrative trade, this land that included North America, Central America, and South America, was named for Mr. Vespucci, hence the name America.

Largely forgotten – even intentionally avoided as a detour to India – America was home to Paleo-Indians who migrated from Siberia to North America.

In the 16^th century, to escape religious oppression, European Colonists fled their homes to travel and migrate in America during a period called English Reformation.

The ocean voyage took brutal months at sea with limited food, water, and provisions.  There was no air conditioning on the summer trips, very little heat on the winter voyages.

These determined travelers were called Pilgrims because of their pilgrimage to be able to find peace for practicing their religion, Puritanism.

Upon arrival, the Pilgrims were met by the settlers from Siberia.  Both groups were exact opposites of each other; the Siberian Indians were a crude people who resided in animal skin tents, while the Pilgrims were accustomed to living in thatched roof houses.

In an act of pity, the Indians helped the Pilgrims with their needs of modest shelter, and food that was unique to the Europeans.

Scallops, fish, deer, and other meats were provided, along with corn, and breads for substance.

The Pilgrims brought potatoes and other root vegetables to grow, all of which was shared with their new friends.  This initial gathering was loosely termed “thanksgiving.”

Since their arrival in the day set aside for giving thanks was celebrated as a way to thank God for his help in all aspects of growing and harvesting and the ability to freely exercise their right to religion.

Unfortunately, Democrats hijacked the idea of religious settlers living together with Indians, and the games began.

It started when some nut decided that Indians should not be called Indians.  The word offended their goofy heads and a new term – Native American – would henceforth be used to describe Serbian Indians living in America.

It didn’t matter that Native American is also used to describe ANYONE born in America.  I am a Native American, although I am from Polish heritage, for instance.  But I digress.

This brain trust was well on their way to modifying history with this small act of semantics.

Mushy brained kids in school learned that Columbus did not discover America, the Indians did.  However, they can’t be called Indians.

And according to Liberals, Mr. Columbus brought the white man’s diseases in order to kill the Indians who aren’t Indians rather, Native Americans.

In order to distract the populace from all this, President Ronald Reagan officially created football, signing an executive order to form the Green Bay Packers, and the Detroit Lions.  This E.O. stated the Lions must, as a tradition, lose every year in the game played on Thanksgiving Day.

They also learned in indoctrination camp, er, school, that once the religious settlers made America their home, they rounded up the Native Americans – not me, but other Native Americans – and put these fun-loving, peaceful inhabitants on reservations.  These reservations were alleged to closely resemble concentration camps, according to college professors.

These concentration camps were eventually transformed into cigarette hubs and casinos.

It wasn’t long after all Native Americans – not me included – were killed or banished to concentration camps that all the good stuff the Puritans stole from the Native Americans began to be marketed to Japan in exchange for Datsuns and Toyotas.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a proclamation on October 31, 1939, making Thanksgiving Day an official, nationally celebrated holiday to commemorate the pilfering of all natural things in America from the Native Americans.

It is now the law in 38-states that turkey must be served on Thanksgiving Day; even vegetarians are forced to consume turkey and dressing.  And pumpkin pies that no one eats were added through an amendment under President Trump just to irritate Nancy Pelosi and Maxine Waters.

So it is with great pleasure that I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving Day.  Except for Maxine Waters and the Florida election officials, that is.