The True North

Well before the presidential elections, I began learning another foreign language.  Yes, I actually know several, including Polish, German, a bit of Italian, and a smattering of English.

I needed these different tongues to get me through my jaunts around the world.  My latest endeavor was Spanish, inasmuch as my neighbor, who is a native Peruvian, is a terrific guy with a great family. 

To better communicate with them, I decided to make an effort to demonstrate inclusion.  For the Christmas holiday, I learned to wish him “Fleece Navidad.”  Unfortunately, that has more to do with sheep than Baby Jesus.  I stand corrected, though.

So, because our new president is threatening to build a wall to keep out illegal aliens, I realized we would have very few new Spanish-speakers breaking into America.  To stay ahead of the curve, I thought it would be prudent to ready myself for a new influx from the north rather than the south.

Canada is often referred to as “America Lite,” a term that is not necessarily offensive, but not really flattering, either.

Fact:  Florida triples in population during the months of November through April, mostly because of the invasion of Canadians.  Canada actually closes during those winter months forcing our northern neighbors to seek residence elsewhere; the last Winnebago driver turns the lights off. 

Florida is much warmer and has better health care than Canada, hence the flood of bodies.

Just as with countries to the south of the United States, countries to the north utilize a different language than we Americans do.  With the exception of Louisiana and New Jersey, most of America speaks American English.

Of course, some speak the language better than others but, for the most part, a word is a word, is a word.  Unless it is Canada, that is.  You see, they use English and French which is akin to setting your hair on fire.

Let’s examine this international phenomenon I like to call “annoying.”

The country of Canada consists of 3.86 million square miles, or 375 trillion square kilometers.  Because it’s a foreign country, they feel it necessary to distinguish themselves from the United States by using an archaic system of measurements.  Of course, the only nation to put a man on the Moon was the country not using the metric system.  I’m just saying…

In any case, Canadians drive on lines, a northern name for small roads; and they don’t use napkins, they use serviettes.

Back bacon is term for thinly-sliced ham, which you would buy with a loonie.  A loonie is not only someone native to California, but a hard currency in Canada, too.

And if a Canadian were to stay home from the job, they would book off work.  Perhaps they’re home because they had a two-fer last night, which is reference to a 24-pack of beer.  I’m guessing it would be Labatt’s.

If someone accused you of mucking down something, you’d stand accused of shoveling food into your mouth.

Plus, while conversing with ANY Canadian, you need to work the words hockey, snow, and “eh,” into every sentence.

There you have it.  You are now ready to accept visitors form the Great White North into the lower fifty with open arms without spending a lot of time trying to figure out what a “S'il vous plait” is.

You’re welcome.