Are You Ready For Some Football?

Thank goodness that we have once again arrived at football season.  It’s been a pretty quiet few months since the mayhem of ice hockey ended with the award of the Stanley Cup to, er, nobody really knows.
 

So, football is back to fill that void in true couch potato lives with violence and injuries.  It is funny to see sophisticated football fans laugh at NASCAR fans; footballers believe NASCAR is all about waiting for wrecks, while NASCAR fans believe football is all about injuring the quarterback.  Both are right.

 

For football novices, the quarterback is the guy on the team who gets all the girls.  The rest of the team has become somewhat indiscernible over the past few years with commentators inventing new names for the varying positions.

 

What used to be jobs such as end, guard, tackle, center, half-back, full-back, and quarterback, have evolved into free safety, left corner, middle back, running back, and the guy who gets all the girls.

 

Those commentators who changed the face of the game left the game because they ceased being effective either on the field or with the girls.

 

But, it is also the playing contingency that helped with name changes.  When giving a sweaty interview after the game, they would usually say things such as, “Broomblat I, ya’know, gommerajnsd, ya’know, wit sommjan and a touchdown, ya’know.”

 

Their remarkable communication skills should come as no surprise since 99% of the NFL is comprised of college graduates.  That information should make mom and dad proud.

 

And although these guys play together as a team, some players are better thought of than other teammates.  Just as homes of multiple siblings have a sense of rivalry, so do NFL teams.

 

The Washington Redskins have quarterback RGIII, or Robert Griffin, III, who is likely to replace President Obama as the next king of the universe.  It’s great that RGIII may actually lead the United States into war with Syria, right after he finishes with that cure for cancer.

 

In any case, one of the other guys on the team is critical to its success – the center.  The center is the fellow who picks the ball up from the ground and hands it to the quarterback.  That oversimplification is actually quite complex.  You see, it is the center that must point to the guys on the other side of the line of scrimmage, a clearly critical action that ensures your team realizes there are other guys actually there.

 

But, the crux of the game is the arrangement of plays.  These football players are skilled professionals who must remember quite a number of plays – run and pass.  To realize true success, these plays are drilled over and over and over so that there will be no chance of error in the game itself.

 

These plays are scripted, like a complex dance, by former players and coaches who painfully go over these steps with their studies.  Eventually, they are ready for game day and call the plays with the help of assistant coaches and assistant assistant coaches.  These plays are transmitted via wireless communications, and are so secret that these coaches cover their mouths with folders while reading the plays.  It seems that opponents employ lip-readers to spy on the other guys to intercept that crucial information.

 

Nonetheless, here’s a copy of secret plays that will be used throughout the football season, and into the Superbowl: first down, run up the middle.  Second down, run up the middle.  Third down, throw a forward pass 7 feet over the intended receiver’s head.  Punt the ball to the other guys.